Talking Bodily Autonomy with Children
Safety is always at the forefront of a caregiver’s mind.
We openly discuss safety with children such as: don’t cross the road without looking both ways, don’t talk to strangers, wear a helmet when you ride your bike, don’t run with scissors, and on and on. Discussing consent and bodily autonomy with your children should be as discussed as reminding them to put on sunblock.
Approximately 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys experience sexual abuse and assault before the age of 18 by a peer or an adult. It is estimated that 93% of children know their abuser.
This is a frightening statistic and it’s valid to feel fear at this moment. Just like we hold safety conversations to avoid harm, caregivers have agency in risk reduction and increasing disclosure. When we have these conversations with children early we help set a precedent for open communication.
The most common concerns I receive from caregivers when thinking of broaching this topic are:
“I don’t want to scare my children. What if they become mistrustful of nurturing touch?”
“I don’t have the developmentally appropriate language.”
“Will this impact healthy sexual development?”
“I haven’t had the ‘birds and the bees talk’ yet – do I have to do this first?”
The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) has created a developmentally appropriate guide to begin speaking to your children about bodily autonomy and assault as early as age 4. Their guide provides the language and helps ease the common concerns caregivers face.
What should I say?
Let’s talk about PANTS (stated from their website):
P - Privates are private
Example: Your underwear covers up your private parts and no one should ask to see or touch them. Sometimes a doctor, nurse, or family member might have to. But they should always explain why, and ask you if it's OK first.
*It’s important to use anatomically correct language. Vagina, penis, anus, etc are not dirty words. We create less body shame when we acknowledge them as what they are.
A - Always remember your body belongs to you
Example: Your body belongs to you. No one should ever make you do things that make you feel embarrassed or uncomfortable. If someone asks to see or tries to touch you underneath your underwear say 'NO' – and tell someone you trust and like to speak to.
N - No means no
Example: No means no and you always have the right to say ‘no’ – even to a family member or someone you love. You’re in control of your body and the most important thing is how YOU feel. If you want to say ‘No’, it’s your choice.
Exceptions: There may be times when we, as your caregiver, have to put your safety first like putting on a band-aid or taking you to a doctor to get you stitches. We will always explain why.
T - Talk about secrets that upset you
Example: There are good and bad secrets. Good secrets can be things like surprise parties or presents for other people. Bad secrets make you feel sad, worried, or frightened. You should tell an adult you trust about a bad secret straight away.
S - Speak up, someone can help
Example: Talk about stuff that makes you worried or upset. If you ever feel sad, anxious, or frightened you should talk to an adult you trust. This doesn't have to be a family member. It can also be a teacher or a friend's caregiver.
How can I start this conversation?
The intention of these conversations is to make them as readily discussed as you would with other safety concerns. This is a conversation that can be held during a car ride, sharing a meal, or prompted by a story.
You can’t be there every time your child is faced with harm. What you do have in your control is equipping your child with the belief and confidence in recognizing unsafe situations. When you implement PANTS, you teach your child they do have a right to bodily autonomy. By using this language, you communicate “I respect you and I respect your body.”
Here are some additional resources to help you prepare for these conversations:
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WRITTEN BY REBEKAH HESS, LPC, RPT™ (SHE/HER/HERS)
Rebekah is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). Rebekah received her Master’s Degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from The University of Louisiana at Lafayette (CACREP Accredited Program) and a Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology from Louisiana State University. Rebekah has received her Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™) credential. She has experience working with children, teens, and young adults in an inpatient hospital setting as well as in a community clinic. Her work includes providing individual, family, and group therapy services to clients with diverse needs.
