Is My Child’s Sexual Development Normal?
As humans, we have various forms of development: cognitive, physical, emotional, and sexual.
While it seems like cognitive and physical development have been areas of focus for a long time, and our society has recently come around to putting more focus on emotional development and has begun to emphasize mental health, sexual development is still a taboo topic. This leaves caregivers with a lot of questions about if their child’s sexual development is normal. Without anything to compare one child’s behavior to, panic can ensue as caregivers ask themselves, “Should I be worried?”
To begin to answer this question, we’ll talk about common sexual behaviors in childhood.
Typical Sexual Development and Behavior in Children
Very young children are typically curious about their own bodies and other people’s bodies. Below are common sexual behaviors in kids under 4 years old, according to The National Child Traumatic Stress Network.
Exploring and touching private parts
Rubbing private parts
Showing private parts to others
Trying to touch their mother’s or other women’s breasts
Removing clothing and wanting to be naked
Attempting to see other people when they are naked
Asking questions about their own, and others’, bodies and bodily functions
Talking to kids their own age about bodily functions
As children begin to interact with their peers more, they explore and learn the social rules about sexual behavior. Below are common sexual behaviors in kids 4 to 6 years old, according to The National Child Traumatic Stress Network.
Purposefully touching private parts (masturbation), sometimes around other people
Attempting to see other people when they are naked
Mimicking dating behavior, such as kissing
Talking about private parts and using “naughty” words (even if they don’t understand the meaning!)
Exploring private parts with children their own age (for example, when “playing doctor” or saying “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours”)
School-aged children begin to hide their sexual behaviors from adults. Below are common sexual behaviors in kids 7 to 12 years old, according to The National Child Traumatic Stress Network.
Purposefully touching private parts (masturbation), usually in private
Playing games with children their own age that involve sexual behavior
Attempting to see other people naked or undressing
Looking at pictures of naked people
Viewing or listening to sexual content in media
Wanting more privacy and being reluctant to talk to adults about sexual issues
Beginning to be sexually attracted to or interested in peers
While adults may be in shock when kids engage in these behaviors because sexual development is a taboo topic, they are typical for developing children. Just like cognitive, physical, and emotional development, sexual development starts when a child is born.
“Young people do not wake up on their thirteenth birthday, somehow transformed into a sexual being overnight. Even young children are sexual in some form.”
— Heather Coleman, PhD & Grant Charles, PhD
But what about when your child does become a teen? While sexual development for this age group is seen as more typical, the topic can still be seen as taboo and therefore leave caregivers at a loss for words during important conversations. We’ll have a blog up soon about this topic and link it here, but in the meantime, remember that it’s never too late to start having these conversations and knowledge is power!
What should I say?
Now, back to the little ones: often adults begin to wonder if they should be concerned when young kids are engaging in some of these sexual behaviors with other kids, but as mentioned previously, exploring private parts with other kids can be typical. In fact, it even has its own term: sex play. This is where play activities are focused on body parts and functioning.
However, not all sexual behavior of children is typical, and there are some behaviors that need to be monitored, and others that show the child needs protection. Below are these behaviors, categorized by age, according to Interface Children and Family Services.
Behavior to Monitor for Ages 0 to 4
Masturbates in preference to other activities
Persistently watches others when nude
Pulls other children’s pants down against their will
Touches the private parts of other children in preference to other activities
Atypical Behavior that May be a Sign of Abuse for Ages 0 to 4
Compulsively masturbates which may cause self-injury, or in a persistent nature or duration
Demonstrates specific adult-like sexual touches or sexual activities (for example: imitates sexual intercourse)
Persistently touches the private parts of others
Forces other children to engage in sexual activity
Behavior to Monitor for Ages 5 to 9
Masturbation in preference to other activities
Masturbation in public, with others, and/or that causes self-injury
Persistent questions and/or comments about sexuality despite being answered or addressed
Persistent nudity and/or exposing private parts in public places
Persistently following others into private spaces, such as a bathroom, to look at their bodies or touch them
Pulls other children’s pants down against their will
Atypical Behavior that May be a Sign of Abuse for Ages 5 to 9
Masturbation that is compulsive, self-injuring, self-harming, or that is done to seek an audience
Persistent bullying involving sexual aggression; pulling other children’s clothing
Sexual behavior with significantly younger or less developmental-abled children
Accessing the rooms of sleeping children to touch or engage in sexual activity
Simulation of or participation in sexual activities such as oral sex or sexual intercourse with older children or adults
Behavior to Monitor for Ages 10 to 13
Masturbation in preference to other activities or in public
Accessing age-restricted materials: movies, games, or internet with sexually explicit content
Persistent expression of fear of sexually transmitted infection or pregnancy
Seeking relationships with older children or adults in preference to peers
Engaging in sexual activities with an unknown peer
Oral sex and/or intercourse with a known partner of similar age and developmental ability
Atypical Behavior that May be a Sign of Abuse for Ages 10 to 13
Masturbation that is compulsive, self-injuring, or that is done to seek an audience
Using grooming techniques, such as gifts, lies, bribery, or flattery to gain sexual activity
Force or coercion of others into sexual activity
Oral sex and/or intercourse with a person of different age, developmental ability, and/or peer grouping
Deliberately sending and/or publishing sexual images of self or another person
If your child is displaying some of these behaviors, one great resource is The National Child Traumatic Stress Network’s information on Understanding and Coping with Sexual Behavior Problems in Children.
You can’t be there every time your child is faced with harm. What you do have in your control is equipping your child with the belief and confidence in recognizing unsafe situations. When you implement PANTS, you teach your child they do have a right to bodily autonomy. By using this language, you communicate “I respect you and I respect your body.”
Talking with Kids about Sexual Behaviors
There are two instances in which caregivers talk to kids about sexual behaviors: for the purposes of education and in response to these behaviors occurring. In both instances, it’s important to provide information using language that is developmentally appropriate, which allows the child to fully understand, while also using the anatomically correct terms for body parts, which creates less body shame. Sometimes adults think that talking to kids about sexual behaviors encourages them to become sexually active, but research has shown these conversations give kids the knowledge that keeps them safe.
During educational moments, we can teach children the “basic” information about their current development and also provide safety information. The basic information can be shared in the same way you share basic information about other forms of development. For example, when your four-year-old complains they can’t stay up as late as you, you explain to them they need more rest because their body and brain are still growing. In the same way, when they complain they can’t be naked in a public setting, you explain to them they need to be dressed because everyone has personal boundaries. Basic information and safety information, categorized by the age at which to teach it, can be found in this informational handout.
To expand on this safety information and to understand how to have these conversations with kids, learn more in Rebekah’s blog Talking Bodily Autonomy with Children. In this blog, there are links to a few children’s books that can facilitate these conversations.
When responding to sexual behaviors occurring, we first want to make sure we understand what happened. When figuring this out, remember to ask open-ended questions with a calm tone of voice. Handling the situation in this manner allows children to explain the situation truthfully. From there, we can determine if the behavior was a typical behavior, a behavior to monitor, or a behavior that requires protection.
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WRITTEN BY RACHEL ESPARZA, LPC ASSOCIATE (SHE/HER/HERS)
Rachel Esparza is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate supervised by Jaclyn N. Sepp, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S™, NCC, RYT® 200. Rachel is also working towards her Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™) credential. At Texas State University, Rachel earned her Master’s degree in Professional Counseling (CACREP Accredited Program) and her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. She has experience working with children, adolescents, young adults, and families in community counseling settings.
