Depression, Anxiety and Agency
“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”
- Lao Tzu
The quote above is one of my absolute favorites. I often wish this quote had found its way to me sooner in my life because I think it (as any great quote does) gave me clarity on something that I had observed, but never synthesized into an actual idea. There are other quotes and references that address this same concept, but this is the only one that spells out to us that depression and anxiety are both remedied by your own actions; actions that can only be taken in the present.
Depression is a more common concept today than it has been historically. Whether it’s simply being talked about and recognized more or it is actually occurring more often is unclear, but it definitely stems from the same place it always has. Depression stems from this thought or feeling of “It wasn’t supposed to be like this” or “This isn’t the life I imagined.” It’s not difficult to fall into this feeling. So many of us have this feeling of disenchantment every day; from global tragedy or the sudden loss of a loved one to the grocery store no longer carrying our favorite ice cream.
That disenchantment can turn into resentment and eventually despair toward ourselves or the world for not meeting our expectations. Whether it was an expectation of yourself or of your environment, once it is shattered you feel powerless. The truth is: you are! Once that tragic, regrettable event takes place, the hands of time can’t be reversed. Sometimes that feeling of helplessness we experience in those moments stops us in our tracks. Enter: depression. But stay with me! Luckily for us, there is a way out of that terrifying, spiraling abyss that I’ll discuss in a moment.
An argument can be made that anxiety is the other side of the coin to depression. Humans have always become anxious when they believe there is a possibility of danger or strife in the future. Rather than a terrible event happening in the past, we stew on the idea of something awful happening soon. Sometimes we become worried about something that we may have some control over, such as an important exam or work presentation. Other times (and much more commonly these days) we experience anxiety about issues or events much larger than ourselves. Things like war, disease, disaster, and atrocities all make us feel that even if we threw ourselves wholly at a solution, we still would not be able to affect positive change. When we feel anxious about something this large, we (again) feel powerless!
As you’re reading this you may be thinking “Ben, these are some depressing ideas you’re throwing out to us.” You’re right! They absolutely are. In this blog, I’ve probably reminded you of at least one situation in which you have experienced that feeling of helplessness. If both depression and anxiety lead to this feeling, it stands to reason that there is something that can help address both of them.
The third part of the Lao Tzu quote states that, “If you are at peace, you are in the present.” The reason you are at peace in the present is because that is the only space in which you have any agency.
Agency is a fun piece of jargon we use in the therapy world to refer to our client’s ability to act autonomously in a way that suits their goals and lifestyle. The power to be the master of your destiny! This is important for anyone, but it is especially important for the depressed or anxious individual. It’s likely that someone who is experiencing either one of these is feeling an acute lack of agency. They often feel that nothing can be done to address what happened in the past or what might happen in the future. But if they find some agency, they can find a way out.
Finding autonomy and agency isn’t always the easiest task; sometimes it can be painful and difficult. It requires a person to first frame their reality in a way they find acceptable. If the way they currently perceive reality leads to that same feeling of powerlessness, it has to change.
A new way to look at the problem–a “re-frame,” to hit you with more jargon–is needed before someone can look for ways to take autonomous action. But once you are able to address your anxiety or depression with action, the relief is immediate. It could be studying for a big exam you’re worried about, or lending whatever support you can muster to help oppressed populations. It could even be accepting that you’ve lost someone or even an idea or belief that was precious to you but bravely deciding to pick up the pieces and construct your new reality without that special piece.
It can be a long process to get rid of the feelings that bring on anxiety or depression. But when those feelings creep in on us in the present, we can take solace in the fact that we are taking action and that those actions will affect positive change in our lives.
If you are a caregiver, helping your child leverage the power of their own agency can be huge for them. It’s easy to forget as adults who have so much control over our environment that children really don’t have that level of freedom. Most children are woken up, and 5 days a week are brought to a place in which they have very little agency. They have to listen to their teacher, interact with other peers that they did not choose (and sometimes really don’t like), and complete whatever assignments are given to them. To be clear, this rigid structure is very helpful for a child–it’s not as if they should be able to have absolute sovereignty in the classroom with teachers bending to their every whim. But it’s easy to see why a child might not feel that they have much say in what their day-to-day life looks like.
So how does one offer agency to their children? It usually has to start with what you are okay with your children having control over. Some caregivers let their kids make decisions on all sorts of things, even to their detriment; others keep it as rigid and scheduled as school, with every decision already made.
For the 90% of us that are in between these two extremes, we consider what power we are willing to give to the child, and present to them a range of options that we have decided we are okay with. For example, if a child doesn’t want to do his homework when you ask him, let him set the schedule and decide for himself when he wants to do it. Does he want to have a snack first? Does he want to do it before or after dinner? Does he want to get it out of the way right when he comes home from school?
Having some power to decide these things may help him feel more motivated because he’s doing it when he decides to, and not when someone else tells him to. If your child has something they want, present them with an opportunity to earn it. When your teen comes to you and says, “I’m bored!” tell them, “That sounds so difficult. But you don’t have to be bored! You can find something fun to do! I believe in you!” In summation, if you look for ways to encourage agency for your child, I promise you’ll find them.
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WRITTEN BY BEN KINSEY, LCSW (HE/HIM/HIS)
Ben has worked with children and families in many different contexts: Summer camps, schools, foster care and children's shelters, hospitals, medical clinics, and private therapy. He’s worked with teens, toddlers, and everyone in between. He can tell you one thing for certain: there is no handbook for the challenges and hardship you and your child are facing, both in and outside your relationship with one another. The goal in his room is to give your child the tools to cope with and navigate through any troubles they may be wrestling with, and with the family's support, empower them to use those same tools in the future.
