How to KEEP Talking to Children About Race
Colleen Maher is a Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW) and Therapist Intern at Ensemble Therapy.
Haley Williams is also an LMSW who works at The University of Texas at Austin and attended graduate school with Colleen.
While in school, Haley was surprised, and dismayed, when she learned that Colleen did not know who Civil Rights legend John Lewis was.
Lewis has represented Georgia since the 1980s, but before that, he was a leader in the Civil Rights Movement and one of the “Big Six” who organized the March on Washington along with Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. He continues his advocacy and work today, shown here, at a recent protest at Black Lives Matter Plaza in Washington D.C.
Haley introduced Colleen to the longstanding work of John Lewis and the two of them were able to have an uncomfortable conversation without losing a friendship over it. In fact, it might have made them closer. Even before this conversation, talking about race has been happening since both were young.
Colleen: In first grade, a Black classmate of mine, seeing my arm next to a white sheet of paper asked me, “Why do they call you white, you’re not white,” drawing attention to the different colors she saw. All I could do was shrug my shoulder, “I don’t know,” though I was very aware that I am more of a peach, and why DID they call me white? As I got older, I realized that she, at 6 or 7 years old, had probably just started having or attending to conversations around race in our city and country, a conversation I would not have to encounter until college.
Haley: I was in second grade the first time I thought about race and color and what it meant. My teacher had given us free time, and my friends and I decided to draw photos of our family. My best friend had just brought her 120-pack of Crayola crayons to school, and I could not wait to utilize as many of those 120 colors as I could. I started with my dad, carefully picking out the right brown for his skin and the right green for his Army uniform. I then moved on to my sisters and me, carefully finding the right black for our curls and the correct brown for our skin, a lighter shade than my dad. My friend didn’t pay attention, focusing on her own family until I reached for a color she didn’t think I needed. She insisted that there was no way I should use that color in my family. What she didn’t know was that my mother is white. She has blonde hair and blue eyes. My friend didn’t believe me. I colored my mom the same warm brown I used for my own dad, but I made sure I added blonde hair so she knew who she was in our family photo. I don't know how my mom felt when I handed her that photo, but I do know all of my school projects, this is one of the few my mom has kept.
After mass protests against the killing of George Floyd, Beonna Taylor, Ahmaud Abery and many, many, many more Black people before them, white people are acknowledging race and racism in the United States in a way that they have not had to attend to since the Civil Rights Movement. Many well-meaning white caregivers are looking to change our country’s legacy and are now confronted with the daunting task of talking about race and racial injustice to our kids. So, what can you do?
Educate yourself!
The US has done a poor job of incorporating the history of BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, People of Color) into any mainstream history. We’re all at a disadvantage here gleaning from US History that MLK Jr. solved all that! When we don’t do our own work, it’s harder to help our kids understand why race is such an uncomfortable topic in this country. When we don’t address it, kids make up their own ideas or assume, “If you don’t have anything nice to say [about people who don’t look like us], don’t say anything at all.”
In addition to evaluating the books, movies, and television that your children are watching, evaluate what you yourself are watching. Children notice what we are doing and will mimic the behavior they see at home and at school. Think about the movies you’re watching, the books you’re reading, the television shows you watch as a family. Make sure that you have diverse representation of what you are consuming.
Here are some places to start:
Implicit Racial Bias Indicator: It’s important and imperative to acknowledge that you DO have biases. And then do something to change that.
The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander
How to be Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi
White Rage: The Unspoken Truth of Our Racial Divide by Carol Anderson
Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates
The 13th - Netflix Original Documentary
John Lewis: Good Trouble: Releasing on demand and digitally on July 3
Get comfortable being uncomfortable!
When kids ask questions we are NOT always going to have the most eloquent response. That’s okay. Conversations about race shouldn’t be a one-time conversation anyway.
The most important thing is to create a space for your children to feel comfortable asking questions. You don’t have to be an expert, and you don’t need to know everything. If children know they can come to you and ask you questions, they will ask you questions. This is especially important when they leave your home and maybe learning new things, or confronted with information that might be different from what they’re being taught at home. It’s okay to not know everything, but be open, transparent, and honest with your children. Let them know that there are some things you don’t know and that you are also continuing to learn. Give your child a space to ask questions and then work with them to figure out things that you both have questions about.
Don’t stand by or shy away.
DON’T “not see color” with your kids. THEY see color, so when you dismiss it, you allow our differences to go unhonored, unacknowledged, and uncelebrated.
Don’t stop having the hard conversation even after the media coverage shifts to another injustice or, worse, the status quo.
This blog has a lot of good language around certain topics like explaining the existence of racism or the Black Lives Matter movement.
Bring diversity into your home.
Normalize diversity, because it is normal. Offer books to your kids that show diversity. Best of all, books that show diversity without making a statement on race/ racial difference. And make sure that you are finding books that are truly diverse and show a representation of the United States and the world around us. Look for books that show children characters of different races, ethnicities, physical and mental abilities, religions, and cultures. Check out our Bibliotherapy Guide for suggestions that enhance social and emotional learning. Normalize media that shows children that the world around them might look different than the world inside your home. Celebrate holidays, events, and festivals for cultures and ethnicities outside of your own.
If your child is in school, talk to their teachers, ask about the books in the school library, the books in the teacher’s library, about the holidays that they will learn about and celebrate at school. Encourage teachers to celebrate diverse holidays and to learn about diverse individuals who have contributed to American and world history. Martin Luther King Jr., Rosa Parks, and Frederick Douglass are so important for what they did for Black History, but they are not the only important figures. Latinx History Month, Asian and Pacific Islander Month, and other racial, ethnic, and religious groups should also be celebrated.
These conversations had over the course of your children’s development, are hard and at times they will be difficult. We hope that this gives you some confidence in moving forward with some of those hard conversations to help you give your children the answers they are looking for whether you can have them in the moment or not. If you have questions about how to continue this conversation, feel free to reach out!
