Ensemble Therapy Celebrates PRIDE Month: Our Quick Guide to Navigating Gender and Supporting Youth!
I have been a member and a club sponsor for gender and sexuality alliances support groups for LGBTQIA+ folks for over 20 years, and every pride month people ask me the same question: “Why have pride month? What’s the point?”
Simply put, pride is the opposite of shame. Pride month is our time to come together and say to each other that there is NO SHAME in being your authentic self. You are lovable and wonderful and you can be proud of your identity! The reality is that a lot of shame is placed on our LGBTQIA+ kids and families, (and there are a lot of serious statistics about their experiences) so that is why pride month continues to be necessary– we need to stand up against the shame, together.
Let’s Talk About Gender
I asked a group of middle schoolers what their adult allies could do to become more attuned to them as a whole person, and the answer was clear: GENDER! Here are some answers to common questions I get from caregivers and teachers:
What is Up With Pronouns and Why are they Important?
The most common pronouns you may come across are “he” and “she” and “they.” Some people use other pronouns such as “ze” or “xe” among many others. By using the correct pronouns you are showing respect for that person’s experience. Using pronouns can be affirming (and even life saving for some people), so please do your very best. More below on what to do if you accidentally use the incorrect pronouns for someone!
What is Non-Binary and What is Intersex?
A “binary” is when there are only two options, and for gender it refers to being labeled “male” and “female.” However, there are a lot of people who do not fit into these two boxes. “Non-binary” refers to the fact that there is male, female, and a whole lot of “both” and “other” and “neither” categories. Differences in sexual development (sexual organs, chromosomes, etc.) happen all the time, and intersex traits show up in about 1.5% of the population, which is about as common as it is for a white person to have red hair. Biological diversity is normal! 1 in 1000 people do not have XY or XX chromosomes. This means we may need to ask some people how they feel about their internal experience, versus how they may be perceived externally.
What is “They” and How Do I Use “They?”
Many of the clients I work with use “they” to convey they do not fit in the “girl” or “boy” box. Some kids feel like they are both a girl and a boy, and for some it changes back and forth- they may feel like a boy one day and a girl the next. A key point to remember is that defining someone’s gender is not always linear. It can be a fluid and evolving component of a person. Some feel like they are neither male nor female, so “they” is a neutral term. Using “they” is pretty simple. You can say, “Pass the papers to them” or “They passed the papers.”
Is This Gender Thing Just a Fad or a Phase?
Let’s look at the data. About .66% of the population in Texas identify as transgender, which is equivalent to about 1 out of 150 children. These kids are here and deserve support. Most people who are transgender do not “detransition” or change their status. It’s not a fad.
What Do I Say When My Child Comes Out to Me?
When a child comes out to you, it means that they want to build trust with you, connect with you, and let you know about their experiences. This is a good thing! Simply saying, “Thank you for sharing this with me. How can I support you?” can be enough.
You do not have to know all the right things to say– sometimes just listening is the best response. It’s important to show support and affirmation and meet your child where they are. Caregivers often feel overwhelmed during the coming out process, and some experience a sense of grief. You may be worried about your child’s safety or how their friends/ family members might react to the news. You might think, “How is this possible? Are they even old enough to know?” Make time to process all those questions, thoughts and feelings with an adult at another moment.
When speaking with your child, show them that you believe them, love them unconditionally, and want to understand their experiences. Try to stay regulated and calm, even if you do not understand it all. Take a deep breath. “I am so glad you told me, and I love you” can be life saving words for your child.
My kid (or their friend) keeps changing genders and I don’t understand.
You don’t have to totally get it. You just have to respect their experience, believe them, and meet them where they are. Check in. You can say, “I noticed you are using ‘they’ on your social media- would you like me to use ‘they’ with you at home?” Or you can try, “Hi lovely, I am checking in about your experience with gender. Is there anything I can do to support you?” It is okay to simply validate their experience by saying, “I don’t know a lot about this gender stuff, but I am here to listen to you and support you.” If your child turns down a conversation about their gender, an appropriate response could be, “Okay, I hear that you may not be ready to talk about this with me now. Whenever you are ready, I am all ears.”
What do I do if I make a mistake about someone’s pronouns?
There are a lot of ways to handle this, but in general it is best to correct yourself and move on. For example: “Will you pass the papers to her?... I’m sorry, I mean pass the papers to them…” and keep talking. You do not need to have an entire apology speech. Just correct the mistake and really try to do better next time. A non-binary 7th grader recently shared with me:
“Gender is pretty much all made up and gender roles have changed over time. I want adults to know that I am an awesome human, and they can just treat me like a human. Gender is one part of me, but not all of me.”
That seems like good advice to me!
How can I learn more about all of this?!
References:
H. (2021). An Adorable, Accessible Way to Explain a Complicated Concept ». The Genderbread Person. https://www.genderbread.org/
Hoffman, J. (2016, June 30). Estimate of U.S. Transgender Population Doubles to 1.4 Million Adults. NY Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2016/07/01/health/transgender-population.html
The Trevor Project. (2022, May 9). The Trevor Project | For Young LGBTQ Lives. https://www.thetrevorproject.org/
Turban, J. L., & Daniolos, P. T. (2021). TRANSGENDER YOUTH: UNDERSTANDING “DETRANSITION,” NONLINEAR GENDER TRAJECTORIES, AND DYNAMIC GENDER IDENTITIES. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry, 60(10), S3. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jaac.2021.07.020
Interested in booking a session with us?
WRITTEN BY MEAGAN BUTLER, LPC, TBRI® PRACTITIONER (SHE/HER/HERS)
Meagan Genell Irish Butler is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) with specialized training in Mindfulness, Neuroscience-based interventions, and Trauma-Informed Practices. Meagan received her Master’s Degree in Educational Psychology: Counseling from University of Texas at Austin and her Bachelor’s Degree in International Studies: Intercultural Communication from Pepperdine University. As a lifelong learner, Meagan is currently in a PhD program at Texas State University.
