Talking to Your Child about Race: The High School Years

Parenting ResourcesAnti-RacismResearch-based PracticesWritten By: Colleen TurnerWritten By: Haley Williams

Nov 24

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In so many ways, high school and the teenage years are the culmination of the work you have done as a caregiver.

It is the finale, the moment in which you can take pride in all the late nights, the early mornings, the dinners eaten in the car on the way to practice, the fights, and the disagreements. It’s the moment you’ve waited for since your child first came to your home—your child no longer being seen as a child in the eyes of the world, but as an adult.

But how do you know if you’ve raised an anti-racist child to be an anti-racist adult?

The conversations you will have with your high-school-age children about race and inclusion are similar to the conversations you’ve been having with them their entire life. When they were babies and toddlers, you reflected their feelings and encouraged their observations of the world around them. In elementary school, we discussed diving deeper with your child into their education and what they are learning about in school to explore the nuances that might not be present in their classroom education. While your child was in middle school, as their identity was developing, we encouraged allowing them the independence to explore and to grow, while still providing resources to help guide their exploration. All of this is still essential to conversations with your high school child.

Your Child: Continued Brain Development

After watching your child grow into a teenager, it can be hard to remember that though their bodies have changed in front of your eyes, their brain is continuing to develop. While some parts of the brain are fully mature by the time your child is an adolescent, other parts of the brain won’t be fully mature until your child is 24-27 years old (1).

Research has shown that the amygdala, part of what is sometimes called the “lizard brain”, is fully mature by this age. This is the part of the brain that controls some of our most primitive functions, such as our fight or flight response and aggressive behaviors (2). The frontal cortex, however, has not reached maturity at this age. This part of the brain controls our ability to reason and helps with thinking before taking action (3).

Part of this continued maturation of the brain can cause a lack of impulse control, irregular moods, misreading cues from peers, and not thinking about the consequences of their actions (4). Your child is still able to make decisions and comprehend right from wrong, but that does not mean that they will always make the right decision.

Being aware of this continued development in your child’s brain is important to understanding how to continue to broach tough conversations with them regarding race. Your child might freeze up, might get angry, or might disengage. Instead of using their frontal cortex to think before speaking, they might shut down conversations or say things they don’t necessarily believe or hold true. Help your child to slow down, pause, and reflect. Just like when they were toddlers, teenagers will continue to mimic the actions and behaviors they see from you. Try to replicate this behavior yourself when talking with them to encourage the discourse and discussions you want to have with them.

Your Child: Conversations and Calling Out

When your child was younger, you could talk with them about racism and inequality, but might not have been able to explore with them the exact structural and systemic issues that have created the racism and inequity seen today. Now that they are older, conversations around anti-racism can be rooted in the details and intricacies you might have glossed over before. Be direct. Use words like “microaggressions” and “discriminaton” to describe different topics, instead of “unfair” and “not kind” that you might have used when your children were younger. Don’t worry as much about things being over their head, or outside of their scope of understanding. Allow them to lead the conversation, ask questions when they are confused, and push them to think deeper and dig further.

As we’ve mentioned before, don’t feel that you have to know everything! Be there as a resource, but most importantly be there as a safe place for conversation and discussion. If your child knows they can come to you with questions and concerns, they will come to you. Remember, the most important thing is providing them the space and opportunity to talk. As Dr. Victor Carrion said, “All caregivers need to help their children think and talk about our country’s racial inequality as a step toward creating a more equal society.” Every conversation you have with your child moves our country forward.

Feel comfortable with calling your child out if you hear them say something that you find problematic or potentially racist. If you are working on building an anti-racist home, and have been building that home while your child was growing up, hold firm to the beliefs and values your child has grown up with. Point out when they have done or said things you find racist or discriminatory. Help them to understand why their words or actions are harmful and how they can do better in the future.

Just as you should feel comfortable calling out your child, you should also get comfortable with the idea of your child potentially calling you out for being potentially racist or making discriminatory comments as well. Be responsive to these conversations. Show your child that you are willing to listen and learn. Use this as an opportunity to model a productive conversation and how to react in situations where we are uncomfortable.

Nobody wants to hear that they are making racist statements or unintentionally making discriminatory comments. It is natural to respond with anger and denial which can turn into shouting matches and disengaging with the conversation, or feeling attacked and getting defensive. Model the response you would want to see from your child. Speak calmly and with facts and knowledge. Do not get defensive and disengage from their conversation. Talk with them and use this opportunity to learn together. As we discussed earlier, your child will continue to mimic you and your responses. How can you make sure that you are setting a good example for them to follow?

Your Child: Continued Identity Development

As your child has gotten older, they are making more decisions on their own. This includes deciding what television shows they watch, influencers they follow on social media, and the media they consume. We still encourage you to be involved with the content your children are consuming and helping them to keep this content as diverse as possible. Rent or stream movies and documentaries about experiences outside of those that your family has experienced. Encourage your child to listen to podcasts, read articles, or watch the news and to engage with what they are listening to or reading. Ask them questions, guide their viewing or listening, and be willing to talk with them about what they have learned.

Continuing to allow your home to be a space for exploration and growth is important in supporting the continued development of your child. It is also important to remember that your child is an autonomous, independent thinker. You may have your own set of values, ideals, and beliefs that you share with your child, but that does not mean they will be the same values, ideals, and beliefs your child carries with them into adulthood. This stage in their life is when they are developing their own identity most strongly, something outlined by Erik Erikson in Erikson’s stages of psychosocial development.

Erik Erikson was a developmental psychologist most well known for his stages of psychosocial development. His theory outlined eight different stages that all humans go through as they develop. The fifth stage, Identity vs Role Confusion, occurs in children aged 12-18 years old. During this stage, “adolescents search for a sense of self and personal identity through an intense exploration of personal values, beliefs, and goals” (5).

Part of this exploration also includes your child wanting to belong to society and to fit into this society. Society can mean many things—the larger society that we are all a part of, the city where you live, the neighborhood where you live, and the school where your child attends. As your child struggles to adapt their identity with this desire to belong to society, their behavior might cause them to change how they behave or communicate in different parts of their life. This is what Erikson called identity crisis or role confusion. Help your child to process and understand this. Don’t pressure your child or try to force them to conform to an identity if they are not ready for it. This can disrupt the process that your child is going through on their own and cause feelings of anger and unhappiness (6).

Continue to be a resource for your child as they continue through their identity development on their own. At the end of this stage, your child should have a newly formed concept of their identity and who they want to be when they are older.

Your Child: Interacting with the World

Though we would like to protect our children from the rest of the world, the reality is that we are not always able to do so. Even with social distancing restrictions due to COVID-19, there are still opportunities for your child to engage with the world, and for the world to influence your child. Many of these interactions are positive, showing your child that there are people who are different from them and opening their eyes to the experiences of those who aren’t like them. However, some of those interactions have the potential to be detrimental, needing your attention and focus to continue the work of anti-racism and equity in your home.

Remind your child that they are a citizen of the community where they live and that they have the potential to impact the lives of those around them. Encourage them to take notice of what is happening around them. What is happening in your community at a local level? At the state level? Are certain communities being harmed or disenfranchised? Are there problems or issues that are in direct opposition to the values that you are teaching your children? What can they do to help? How are they uniquely positioned to make a difference? What special interests, hobbies, skills, or passions can they utilize to impact change in these communities? Remind them they are never too young to start making changes. There are so many youth activists who are making change around the world, who says one day it won’t be your child too?

In the blog post about middle school, we talked about the emerging importance of social media in your child’s life. The importance of social media in high school only increases. Research from 2018 showed that ninety percent of teens between 13-17 have used a social media profile at one point (7). More than fifty percent of teens reported using social media websites at least once a day (8). Teenagers are using social media for hours each day and could be unknowingly following influencers or profiles that are spreading false information or harmful and racist beliefs.

Continue to talk with your child about their social media use. Who are they following? Where are they getting their information? What influencers or celebrities are inspiring them or encouraging them? Social media, especially in times when we cannot physically gather together, can be a wonderful way to spread information and to share knowledge. However, it also creates opportunities for false information to be spread and for your child to learn discriminatory or racist rhetoric and knowledge.

You’ve laid the seeds. You’ve created the foundation. Continue to be a safe place for your children to learn and grow from. Provide examples of how to be an anti-racist adult for them to learn from. You have given them the tools to be anti-racist adults, and now the actions and decisions to be anti-racist are entirely up to them.

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