How to Talk to Your Child About Suicide
Suicide is a topic that is difficult for anyone to talk about.
Throw in the mix of talking about suicide with your children and that conversation goes from uncomfortable to sometimes unbearable. It can be frightening to bring up such a heavy topic to our children and can bring up worries that we are “putting ideas in their heads” by doing so.
However, it has been shown time and time again that the best way to prevent suicide is through open and honest communication.
It is tempting to think that our children don’t know what suicide is. Unfortunately, it is much more commonly talked about with children than we would like to think, and it is not unheard of for children as young as 5 or 6 to express suicidal thoughts. On top of that, suicide remains the second leading cause of death for children 10-19 and 1 out of 6 high school students has considered suicide in the past year (Nationwide Children’s).
All this to say, we can give the option for peers, media, or social media to control the narrative of the conversation, or we can take the opportunity to shed light on a difficult subject, build trust, and discuss mental health in an open and honest way. But that leads us all to the question, How do we have the conversation?
When do we have the talk?
You may ask yourself, “How do I know when to talk about suicide?” Oftentimes, there is an event that occurs that can tell us it is time to have the conversation. This could be someone dying by suicide, something that is shown on TV, or a friend from school bringing up the topic. Any of these events warrant a conversation with your child.
Before jumping into the conversation, it is important to reflect on where your mind is in regard to suicide. What feelings come up when you think of suicide? Are you in an emotionally safe place to have the conversation, or would it be best to wait till you are in a better state? This question can be especially true if you recently experienced a loss from suicide yourself.
It can be tempting to just ignore the conversation altogether. However, children can often bottle up their feelings even if they are worried about someone's safety. Directly bringing up the topic can allow them the opportunity to share their concerns and clear up any possible misrepresentations about suicide and death. Having this conversation in a low-stakes environment where you can sit with your child can be helpful to take some of the pressure off the moment. Sitting by each other side by side, such as in the car, or taking a walk around the neighborhood could be potential low-stake times to have such a talk.
But What Do I Tell Them?
There can be a lot of pressure we put on ourselves to find the “perfect” words to say to our children. It may be helpful to instead think, “Listen first, and speak second.” In the event that someone they know may have died or had thoughts of suicide, lots of feelings can arise. It’s important to validate those feelings, whatever they may be.
Sometimes, caregivers can be alarmed that their child does not seem as upset as they “should be.” Remember, there is no correct way to feel once such an event occurs, and grief can oftentimes be expressed by avoiding the feeling altogether. Other times, children can somehow feel personally responsible for a suicide. It is important to reinforce that they are not in any way responsible for someone else’s death by suicide.
Children have been shown to cope better with suicide when given honest and factual information regarding the event from someone they trust (Talking to children about suicide).
You can start the conversation by inviting them to share what they have heard about an event or suicide. If the child is very young, you can ask what they know about death or what they think happens to someone when they die. You can then tell them that, “People’s bodies no longer work when they are dead,” or that, “They are no longer alive.” In all of our responses, we do not want to give answers that are confusing or abstract such as, “They have gone to sleep forever,” or, “They aren’t suffering anymore,” as this can lead to more questions and often leads them asking more about it. After the initial conversation, be prepared for the topic to come up again as the child continues processing the new information.
But How Much Can They Know?
It depends on a child’s age and developmental state. In young children (under 5), it may be best to keep the answers short and simple such as, “They died and it’s very sad.” Follow the lead of the child and keep in mind most children do not understand the concept of death until ages 5-7. Talking about it as a medical condition can be helpful as well by saying, “Their brain was sick and the disease took over.”
By elementary age, we can be more honest and direct about suicide and death. You can give more detail, but it is still best to keep it short. Giving too much information can lead to more anxious thoughts about the topic, so it is again important for the child to take the lead on what questions are being brought up. Naming depression may be appropriate at this age, so saying something like, “They had a disease called depression for a long time,” can be helpful when explaining what happened.
By the time children are in middle school, it’s appropriate to add the warning signs of depression and suicide. By this age, it is highly likely that they have heard about depression and suicide, and it’s important to know what they know and how they are feeling about it. This allows caregivers to clarify any misconceptions they have about suicide, such as suicide happening from a person being too selfish or weak. At this age, you can directly ask your child if they or any of their friends have been experiencing thoughts of suicide. Asking this question directly can show your child that you are a safe trusted adult that they can open up to should they ever experience such thoughts.
By high school, it is likely that they or a friend may experience mental health concerns. By this age, coming up with a plan with your child should they or someone they know is experiencing suicidal thoughts is important. Ask them what they plan on doing if they begin to feel depressed or experience suicidal thoughts. You can remind them that there are resources and help for people experiencing depression and that it is treatable. Normalizing mental health concerns can be reassuring for teenagers who are experiencing such difficulties.
Final Thoughts
After time has passed, children may accept and process these conversations or may continue to ask more questions about the topic as thoughts arise. Every child experiences grief differently and it’s important to normalize whatever is brought up. If a child experiences a loss from suicide, big events, such as birthdays, may be hard for them and may lead to more questions about suicide.
If you are concerned about your child having thoughts of suicide, it is important to reach out for help. There are warning signs for suicide such as the following:
Feeling down or hopeless
Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
Major changes in sleep, eating, or activity level
Stopping normal activities
Withdrawing from friends or family
Suddenly giving away possessions
Making comments about “wishing to be dead” or being a “burden” to others
Preoccupation with suicide or dying in writing, drawing, or online activity
Looking for the means to kill oneself (e.g. gun, pills, rope) or discussing a suicide plan (Nationwide Children’s)
If your child is experiencing any of the following it is important to directly ask your child if they are experiencing suicidal thoughts. If your child begins talking about suicide or thinking the world may be better without them, it is imperative to get help and take their words seriously.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger from thoughts of suicide, call or text the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. If there is an immediate safety concern, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
References:
Mental Health Commission of Canada: Talking to Children About a Suicide
University of Utah: How to Talk to Your Child About Suicide: An Age-By-Age Guide
Nationwide Children’s: Talking to Your Kids About Depression and Suicide
Child Bereavement UK: Children’s Understanding of Death at Different Ages
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WRITTEN BY SARAH KELTON, MED, LPC ASSOCIATE, RYT200 (SHE/HER/HERS)
Sarah Kelton (she/her/hers) is a Licensed Professional Counseling Associate (LPC-A) supervised by Jaclyn N. Sepp, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S™, NCC, RYT200. Sarah earned her bachelors degree in Applied Learning and Development and her master's degree in Counselor Education from the University of Texas at Austin. Sarah is currently working towards her Registered Play Therapist (RPT) credential.
