The Intersection of Friendship and Executive Functioning
Friendships. Acceptance. Connection. These are all things we want for our children.
As adults, we have felt the joys and tribulations of friendships and want to help children navigate those tricky waters. It's painful when we see our children excluded from a group or struggle to connect with other children. It can be extra challenging to unpack exactly why difficulties are happening and how to support our children to have successful social interactions.
Over my 18 years as a speech-language pathologist, primarily in the school setting, I have worked with hundreds of children to support their pragmatic language or social communication. Traditionally, it was believed that children lacked social cognition or knowledge of specific social skills (e.g., maintaining eye contact, sharing, taking turns, etc.) and instruction in these areas would increase successful social interactions. I would write goals targeting pragmatic language skills and children would meet their goals quickly demonstrating very sturdy social cognition.
But something wasn’t working.
When I would observe in the classroom or playground looking for generalization of their social knowledge, it wasn’t carrying over to in-the-moment interactions.
If these children know the skills, why aren’t they using them with peers?
The answer is found by taking a closer look at the executive functioning system. Research by Russell A. Barkley, Ph.D., ABPP, ABCN a clinical scientist, educator, and practitioner supports these observations in his research. Barkley states that children have difficulties with social functioning; “whether it is because they are distracted by extraneous stimuli, become overwhelmed by negative emotions, or have broader executive functioning deficits, they may be unable to recognize easily, at least not in the heat of the moment, that a current situation specifically calls for the abstract social skill they know they should enact.” (Barkley, p. 580).
So let’s break it down.
What is executive functioning and how exactly could it affect one's ability to develop friendships?
In its simplest definition, executive functioning is self-regulation. It’s our brain's ability to reach a future goal and is critical to social success. As Kate Mire wrote about in an earlier post, it affects all aspects of life.
Let’s take a look at some of the key components of the EF system and how breakdowns in certain areas may affect social connection.
PERCEPTION
Perception is the awareness of the environment. One must be aware of and observe their environment in order to match their behaviors to what’s appropriate. If a child isn’t perceiving their environment, they may demonstrate behaviors that could be misinterpreted as disruptive or acting out.
ATTENTION/SUSTAINED ATTENTION
Attention or focus is the ability to direct your attention to what is important in the moment and then hold that attention for a length of time. A child who isn’t sure where to direct their attention or how to keep their focus on what’s important in the moment may miss the nuances of nonverbal communication from peers or adults. A child may miss a cue that their peer would like a turn or isn’t interested in a certain topic. They may even be perceived by others as uncaring or uninterested.
WORKING MEMORY
Working memory, specifically nonverbal working memory, is the brain's ability to hold, manipulate, store, and retrieve information. This is extremely important for conversations and comprehension as well as perspective-taking. A child with difficulties in this area may have trouble using what they know about a peer to engage with them. We humans like to talk about things we are interested in. When others engage us that way it makes us feel good and want to be around that person more.
INHIBITION
Inhibition is the awareness to stop yourself in the moment. In a conversation, a person needs to be doing all the above-mentioned skills and then hold what they would like to say in their mind until it is their turn to talk while simultaneously listening and comprehending what the other person is saying. This is extremely difficult and is a wonder any of us can do it!
Imagine the child who pushes ahead to get to the swings first or be first in line. That child must again be perceiving the environment (notice others around them), attend to the other children in line, make a guess about how they may be feeling, use previously learned information about what peers like and don’t like, and then hold back your own desire to be first.
FLEXIBILITY
Flexibility is our ability to shift from one plan to another. With peers, this looks like going with the flow when friends want to do something different from what we had in mind. Once again, using all the aforementioned executive functioning skills to problem solve to stay connected within play or conversation.
SELF-MONITORING
Self-monitoring is simply awareness of our own actions. There will always be missteps within our social worlds. No one does it perfectly all the time. It’s important to know when we’ve done something well so we can keep doing what is working and especially important to know when something didn’t go well so we can make repairs.
Let’s imagine the child who is so excited to go down the slide she doesn’t perceive the peer waiting in front of her until she gets down and is greeted by angry accusations or tears. Self-monitoring here may be self-talk, “Oops. Sally is upset because she was waiting for the slide and I went ahead of her.”
SELF-CORRECTION
Self-correction is making repairs with peers. “I’m sorry Sally, I was so excited about the slide I forgot to look for a line.”
SELF-MODULATION
Self-modulation is the ability to regulate intensity levels to match those around us. A child who is observed to be “too rough”, or “too loud”, or “too quiet” may have difficulty with modulation which could be a turn-off to peers.
BALANCING
Balancing is being able to handle the multiple demands in life. This is an area usually targeted with teens and adults. People with deficits in executive functioning may become super focused on their studies or work and neglect friendships which take nurturing.
When I reflect on all the areas of the executive functioning system and how they affect one's ability to form and maintain relationships, it’s amazing anyone can do it!
As a therapist, we learn the number one best predictor of change for behavior is awareness. We can not change what we are not aware of, nor can we repeat what we’ve done well if we are not aware of how we accomplished it in the first place (Tera Sumpter, Seeds of Learning).
For a child struggling to make friends or social connections, taking a closer look at their executive functioning system may provide more effective and powerful intervention tools.
References:
Barkely, Russell A., PHD. (2015) Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder A Handbook for Diagnosis and Treatment, 4th Edition. New York, The Guilford Press.
Sumpter, Tera, MA, CCC-SLP. (2021) The Seeds of Learning: A Cognitive Processing Model for Speech, Language, Literacy, and Executive Functioning. ELH Publishing, LLC.
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WRITTEN BY MARY HADLEY, M.A., CCC-SLP (SHE/HER/HERS)
Mary is a speech-language pathologist with 16 years of experience. She is a graduate of The University of Dayton in Ohio with a Bachelor's in Early Childhood Education and received her Masters in Communication Disorders from New York University in 2006. She is the founder of Signpost Speech and Language Therapy, LLC where she works with both children and adults to improve social communication and executive functioning. Mary lives in Austin with her husband, two young children and very active German Short-Haired Pointer.
