Thriving Together: Navigating the Path to Successful Co-Parenting
Divorce and separation is undoubtedly a challenging experience for everyone involved, especially for children.
Amid the emotional rollercoaster, finding a way to co-parent effectively can seem like an overwhelming task - especially when we know that a child’s adjustment during this time depends largely on how well caregivers handle this uncomfortable experience. However, with dedication, communication, and a shared commitment to the well-being of your children, successful co-parenting is not only possible but can be incredibly rewarding.
Most children experience considerable distress in the early stages of divorce and separation, including, but not limited to, feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety, confusion, guilt, jealousy, loyalty conflicts, and yearning for the other caregiver (Lowenstein, 2006). Some of these experiences are externalized through an increase in misbehavior, need for control, academic struggles, and difficulties with transitioning between caregiver’s homes. Children might also internalize this challenging experience, putting together the limited pieces they know into large misconceptions and self-blame that remains unheard without a supportive system that encourages openness and vulnerability.
Despite these increased stressors, research shows us that children can be incredibly resilient during this time of change and loss when their caregivers prioritize the following co-parenting practices:
Prioritize Open and Respectful Communication
Effective co-parenting hinges on clear and respectful communication between both caregivers. Ergh, I know this already might sound like an impossible task for many of us. Let’s start our path here.
Each time communication will occur, take a moment to prepare yourself so you can enter the conversation with a calm, centered energy and a clear intention on what you need to accomplish. You can engage in Self-Care Practices with your child and explore Mindfulness for Caregivers to prepare yourself. Recognize your areas of struggle in your relationship with the other caregiver so you can practice setting aside your personal grievances or lingering emotions when discussing your children's needs. You are not there to rehash past conflicts, your focus in these conversations is centered on your child and their healthy development.
This is going to be challenging at times.
It is not a perfect process because we are humans with nervous systems that become triggered in relationships that are changing and uncertain. You may feel the odds are against you. You might be the only one practicing letting go. There will be conversations where you’ll believe nothing went well and more ruptures exist than before. There will also be conversations where you’ll come to an agreement, perhaps with a little less damage in the process. You will feel like a co-parenting ninja when you don’t react to a charge thrown at you and keep your eye on the original intention of the conversation.
The goal is to work on hearing the other caregiver with understanding and moving towards a solution that prioritizes your child’s well-being. You will end up disagreeing with your co-parent at times, but the most important part of this process is conveying that you understand their point of view. Listening and validating another does not mean you agree with them! However, there will be times when compromising on your personal preferences to create an environment that fosters your child’s growth and happiness is required to take another step on our path to successful co-parenting.
When your child looks back on this time in their life, think about how you want them to remember it.
Explore various communication channels such as a communication journal, texting, email, or dedicated co-parenting apps (some examples are OurFamilyWizard and 2Houses) to help streamline communication and reduce misunderstandings while sharing important information about your child's education, health, and activities. The goal is to establish conflict-free communication, so reflect on which type of contact works best for you and your co-parent. The protective factors of open and respectful communication maintain a unified front and present a consistent message to your child.
Respect Each Other's Boundaries
Recognize that your roles have changed, and you are no longer partners, but co-parents. This feels really different to all family members because these are new roles you haven’t experienced yet together. A lot of emotions will come up as your shared family values transition into more individualized and compartmentalized roles as a single caregiver. It is important that you respect each other's boundaries and privacy. Avoid prying into each other's personal lives, and refrain from using your child as a messenger.
When you use your child to convey messages to your co-parent, it puts them in the center of your conflict.
The goal is to keep your child out of your relationship issues. Compartmentalize your feelings about your co-parent and remind yourself that they are your issues, not your child's. No matter how triggered or upset you are, it is not appropriate to vent to your child. Reach out to your support system of good listeners when you need to get feelings off of your chest – friends, family members, colleagues, your therapist, or even a loving pet. We want to ensure that we are not setting up a situation where your child feels like they have to choose between you and your co-parent. Your child has a right to a relationship with their other caregiver that is free of your influence.
Show your child that they are loved and supported by both caregivers, regardless of the marital situation, by reviewing and implementing the Children’s Bill of Rights guidelines. You cannot change or control your co-parent’s choices or behavior, but you can change and control yourself. When confident of the love of both caregivers, children adjust more quickly and easily to the new family dynamic and living situation. Children who see their caregivers continuing to work together are more likely to learn how to effectively and peacefully solve problems themselves. Be the example! Use a respectful demeanor when interacting with your co-parent regardless if your child is witnessing the interaction or not. (Hint, hint: Your child is always listening and picking up on your nonverbal communication whether you realize it or not!) By cooperating with the other caregiver, you are establishing a life pattern your children can carry into the future to build and maintain stronger relationships.
The quality of the relationship between co-parents has a strong influence on the mental and emotional well-being of your child.
Keep Things As Consistent As Possible
Consistency between households helps children feel secure and reduces confusion. This doesn't mean everything needs to be identical, but a shared sense of structure will help your children adjust more smoothly between households. Some important points to consider addressing on your roadmap to successful co-parenting might be:
Visitation schedule
Holiday schedule
Special occasions
Extracurricular schedule
Morning & evening routines
Rules, limits & chores
Screentime expectations
Homework expectations
Discipline practices
Communication practices with your child when they are with the other caregiver
Co-parenting fosters similar routines, rules, and expectations in both homes so that as your child transitions back and forth it isn’t overly complicated for them. They already have practice in adjusting to different environments from their experiences in school, extracurriculars, and vacations. But the actual move from one household to another, whether it happens every few days or just certain weekends, can be a very hard time for children.
Every reunion with one caregiver is also a separation from the other, each “hello” is also a “goodbye.”
To help your child adjust during this transition keep things low-key. Do not schedule a social or special activity when your child is returning to you despite how excited you are to reunite with them. Create some downtime together that is relational in nature, like reading a book, playing their favorite game, cooking their favorite meal, or participating in child-lead play.
For more ideas on spending time one-on-one with your child, check out Alex’s blog and for those of you with a teenager, Connecting with Your Teen is another helpful starting place. Listen to your child’s needs, wants and desires – this might mean recognizing their nonverbal communication at times. Your child will need time to adjust, so letting them know you are here for them while at the same time communicating that they can have the space they need is a way to respect their emotional health. Make packing simpler by keeping certain basics (toothbrush, hairbrush, pajamas, etc) at both homes.
Children need to know what to expect and what is expected of them – make the unknown known.
Flexibility is key, as unforeseen circumstances may require adjustments. Be sure to address decision-making processes for important matters like emergencies, education, healthcare, and extracurricular activities. We want to minimize potential conflicts and provide a sense of stability for your child. Embrace flexibility and compromise because life is full of surprises, and sometimes plans need to change. Be open to adapting schedules and arrangements when necessary while avoiding unnecessary conflicts. Have a family calendar at each home where your child can utilize a visual reminder of what is happening and when.
Practice compromise in situations where you have differing opinions because your focus is on your child’s best interest. Keep in mind that communicating with your co-parent is going to be necessary for the length of your child's entire childhood and longer. Having both caregivers play an active role in their children's daily lives is the best way to ensure that all your kids' needs are met and enable them to maintain close relationships with both caregivers.
Seek Professional Help When Needed
Co-parenting isn't always easy, and there will be moments when emotions run high and communication breaks down. In such situations, seeking the help of a professional mediator, co-parenting coach, or therapist can be immensely valuable. A neutral third party can help facilitate discussions and provide strategies for resolving conflicts constructively.
Your child also might need their own “person” that is outside of the family dynamics so they can express their feelings and work through complicated family dynamics that typically come up with big changes. At Ensemble Therapy, we create a foundational, safe space for every child where they feel accepted, supported, encouraged to take risks, and better prepared to face external factors that they cannot control.
We encourage active participation with all caregivers in a child’s life because a child’s healthy adjustment during this time depends largely on how well the caregivers are handling the situation.
In addition to your child’s individual or family therapy sessions, we work with caregivers on divorce/separation psychoeducation, healthy co-parenting practices, and facilitating a meaningful relationship between each caregiver and their child. In order to be most effective with your child, our clinicians take a neutral stance with caregivers and remain focused on the needs of your child. When there are high levels of conflict between co-parents, we will disengage from disputes in order to focus on the treatment plan of your child and remind you of the boundaries for conduct going forward.
It is not the role of your child’s therapist to make decisions about co-parenting schedules or co-parenting issues, and it is ethically prohibited by their licensing board.
We know it can be difficult to shift the focus away from interpersonal conflict with your co-parent, but the focus of your meetings with your child’s therapist is on the needs of your child and not a place to vent or to try and gain “allegiance” over your co-parent.
In conclusion, successful co-parenting after divorce requires commitment, empathy, and a willingness to put your children's needs first. By fostering open communication, respecting each other’s boundaries, maintaining consistency and flexibility, and asking for help – you can create a supportive and loving environment for your children to thrive. While challenges may arise, your shared dedication to your child’s well-being will undoubtedly lead to a positive co-parenting experience.
References:
Johnston, J., & Roseby, V. (1997). In the name of the child: A developmental approach to understanding and helping children of high conflict divorce. New York: The Free Press.
Lowenstien, L. (2006). Creative interventions for children of divorce.Toronto: Champion Press.
Solomon, J. (2005). An attachment theory framework for planning infant and toddler visitation arrangements in never-married, separated, and divorced families. In L. Gunsberg & P. Hymowitz (Eds.), A handbook of divorce and custody: Forensic, developmental and clinical perspectives. Analytic Press.
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WRITTEN BY JACLYN SEPP, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S™, NCC, RYT® 200 (SHE/HER/HERS)
Jaclyn believes that all human beings, no matter how small, deserve a place to be accepted for who they are, which drove her to establish Ensemble Therapy in 2015 with the mission to bring high quality therapeutic services to children, teens, and their families in Central Austin. Jaclyn is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor (LPC-S), Registered Play Therapist Supervisor™ (RPT-S™), National Certified Counselor (NCC) and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT® 200). She received her Master’s Degree in Professional Counseling from Texas State University (CACREP Accredited Program) and her Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology with a Minor in Applied Learning & Development from The University of Texas at Austin.
