What’s with All These Feeling Reflections?
If your child is receiving or has received treatment at Ensemble Therapy, you’ve most likely talked to your therapist about the importance of reflecting and validating the big feelings going on by simply naming them… especially in an emotionally charged situation.
I think reflecting and naming feelings can sound really foreign to caregivers for a handful of reasons. First, it’s unnatural for most of us. We don’t typically find ourselves in our boss’ office saying, “Wow, I see you’re really frustrated with my performance this quarter.” That’s probably not going to go well. As adults, we’re driven by outcomes and solutions. Your boss wants a solution, and maybe a reason for your poor performance, NOT a feelings check-in. But your boss isn’t learning how to navigate his or her own feelings. Your kid is.
Your kid needs the help of naming those big feelings so he or she can start making pathways in his/her brain to better prepare for the next time he has those big feelings. I remember learning how to reflect feelings during my first internship in grad school. At the time I thought it was so silly that I was just saying what feeling I thought my clients were feeling. Don’t they already know this?! But then I saw the magic of reflecting feelings after I got a few awkwardly new reflections out of the way.
Sometimes, kids really truly don’t know what they’re feeling, just like you don’t always know what you’re feeling when you’ve got a really complex emotional situation going on. Remember, a lot of the emotional situations kids are experiencing are complex for them because it’s new, and sometimes it’s scary or overwhelming to have such big feelings and limited tools to work with those feelings. So when labeling and reflecting feelings feels unnatural to you, imagine how it feels to be a kid who doesn’t feel understood.
Another reason why reflecting feelings seems odd to many adults is that we don’t know what it does neurologically. Again, we’re solution-focused. If we don’t know if it’s going to help the situation, then why are we doing it?
Fortunately, there has been an explosion of neuroscience in the last 20-30 years and now we know that literally JUST naming the emotion creates calming neurotransmitters that allow the “emotional” side of the brain to allow the “logical” side to share control. As Dan Siegel emphasizes in this video, this analogy is far too simplistic, but it does the trick for the purposes of a quick video or blog. When the emotional brain begins to feel calmed and understood, the whole brain can move towards problem-solving, which is the goal of many caregivers in the midst of an emotional meltdown.
Some caregivers (and grad students) worry that they will be wrong about the feeling they are identifying. Don’t worry, your kid will tell you if you’re wrong! If you’re providing them a reflection, “Man, you’re really disappointed you didn’t get to spend time with Suzzy today,” but really they are just mad that they didn’t get the milkshake they were going to get with Suzzy, they’ll tell you! But if you’re right, then you’ve given them coping skills gold. Not only do they have new language or a reminder of what they are feeling, but they also are connected to their caring parent or caregiver who is emotionally regulated and can help them regulate.
The most important thing, more important than being right about the feeling you’re reflecting, is that your child feels in a connected relationship with you in that moment of unease or dysregulation.
Validating their feelings, even if you don’t agree with the feeling they’re feeling by saying something like, “It feels really unfair that we cannot pet that dog,” reinforces their need for connection in a challenging moment. When you can reflect feelings back to your child, they are getting the message that they are being seen and heard by you, the most important person to them in the world. In the words of Brene Brown, “Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.”
So, now that we know that literally just reflecting or naming the big feeling (in an empathic and attuned way) produces calming neurotransmitters, we can look at the mere act of reflecting feelings as the first part of the solution! Give it a shot the next time your child shares his or her frustrations or worries and see what happens.
Want some practice?
Keep an eye out for our caregivers-only, reflecting feelings workshop coming up in February co-facilitated by myself and fellow teammate Lisa!
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Also, check out these books that touch on reflecting feelings and lots of other caregiving gold!
The Whole Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Dan Siegel, MD and Tina Payne Bryson, PhD
Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain by Dan Siegel, MD
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
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WRITTEN BY COLLEEN TURNER, LCSW (SHE/HER/HERS)
Colleen Turner is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). Colleen received her Master of Science in Social Work degree from the University of Texas at Austin and her Bachelor of Science in Human Development and Family Studies from the University of Illinois at Urbana/Champaign. Colleen is currently working towards her Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™) credential. Colleen has clinical experience working with children ages zero through elementary school and their families and has worked extensively with children impacted by the child welfare system. Colleen is a Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Educator trained by the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University.
