Limit-Setting Series: Why Limit-Setting?
For anyone who has ever spent time with children, do these sound familiar?
“Don’t pull the cat’s tail!”
“Stop yelling!”
“Go brush your teeth!”
“We have to go to school now.”
“You have to wear a jacket; it’s cold outside.”
“You have to do your homework before you play.”
“Stop pushing your brother.”
Children will, inevitably, test limits and boundaries in some way, and it is vital that they are provided with opportunities to exercise their independence and increase their sense of responsibility to themselves and their world in safe ways. They depend on us as adults to help them learn and be safe.
When we see children doing unacceptable behaviors, we want to correct them. We want them to stop doing the behaviors that could get them into trouble when they are not with us. We want them to be safe (“Don’t run into the street!”). We want them to grow up to respect others’ property and belong to a group of other kind, respectful humans.
I will admit that as a caregiver, before I began training as a play therapist, I had no idea how to “set limits”. I think I used a lot of “don’ts” — as in, “Don’t you want to brush your teeth now?” and “Don’t forget to get ready for bed now.” Yes, I fell into the trap of thinking if I ask politely, my child would simply say yes to my very rational requests. Unfortunately, I also gave him an out by posing it as a yes/no question. After he didn’t brush his teeth, and he didn’t get ready for bed like I thought I said he needed to, I’d jump to those more firm “don’ts” and “have-to’s” because he wasn’t listening to me!
What to do? Like many caregivers, I got louder. I threatened consequences, became very angry and frustrated, and yes, at times, I yelled.
Yelling was not on my agenda as a caregiver. I didn’t want to rely on scaring my child to do things, and yet, he needed to brush his teeth!
The cycle of being more passive came back around. “Don’t you want to brush your teeth, so you don’t have to go to the dentist all the time?” Yeah – ah, no. The 5-year-old was much more interested in playing with Legos than adopting the fear of one day having to go to the dentist for a root canal.
Like many of the caregivers I have seen since being a play therapist, I knew I wasn’t doing much good to my child, nor our relationship, by being inconsistent. I couldn’t not let him brush his teeth — that was a hard limit (among others!) — and I couldn’t stand to resort to yelling or making threats. I knew enough about how yelling anger hurts kids and their relationships with their caregivers.
Fortunately for my son and myself, I was introduced to a specific type of limit-setting called A.C.T. Developed by Dr. Garry Landreth at the University of North Texas’ Center for Play Therapy, it involves:
Acknowledging and reflecting the feeling,
Communicating the limit, and
Targeting the choice.
For example, “You really don’t want to brush your teeth. But teeth are for brushing. You can choose to brush them now or in one minute.” Or, “I see you’re really angry at your sister, but people aren’t for hurting. You can choose to hit the pillow, or tear up a piece of paper.” Or, “I know you really want to jump off of the roof, but you’re for keeping safe. You can choose to jump off the bed, or on the trampoline.”
The most important piece of all of this is the acknowledgment and reflecting of feelings. In my personal and professional experience, with both children and adults, nothing works better to reduce defensiveness and foster attunement in the relationship than when we calmly acknowledge another’s feelings. Colleen’s recent blog What’s with All These Feeling Reflections is a fantastic dive into this skill.
This form of limit-setting is one of the most challenging skills to learn and implement, but once it is in your family’s lexicon, it might be one of the most powerful tools in caregiving that will far outlast the teeth brushing. It has the power to keep your relationship with your child intact and model the respect we want not only for ourselves as the adults in their lives, but for themselves. Because one day, they will be faced with much more serious choices. If they intrinsically know that people aren’t for hurting, that they are for keeping safe, or they aren’t for yelling at, they will be that much more equipped to recognize and value their own limits and ability to make responsible choices.
In the next part of this series, I will be breaking down examples of acknowledging feelings and introducing the concept of communicating limits.