Family Meetings
Back in my teaching days, I used classroom meetings each morning to gain a temperature read on each of my students, provide a space to foster connection, encourage problem-solving & conflict resolution, and to model effective communication skills. Now as a therapist, I encourage the families that I work with to utilize the same model in their homes, appropriately coined “family meetings.”
Family meetings are a highly effective tool to foster a positive family culture and can occur once a week, a few times a week, or nightly at dinner — whichever works best for your family’s schedule. Keep meetings on the shorter side at first, preferably 15-30 minutes, and then increase the time if developmentally appropriate. You might decide to have different roles in the family meeting such as recording secretary, leader, snack maker, or timekeeper.
The benefits of a regular family meeting are numerous:
Builds family solidarity
Boosts family members’ confidence
Reinforces family culture and values
Reduces stress
Solves problems
Teaches life skills
Reinforces active/reflective listening
Highlights mistakes as learning opportunities
Encourages leadership skills
Decreases conflict
The list goes on and on.
Doesn’t it sound too good to be true?!
The basic tenets of a family meeting include all family members to be present. The meeting can be as formal or as informal as you’d like, but it’s important to come up with a consistent flow so everyone knows what to expect in the meeting. Some families even choose to use a talking stick at first to help with modeling respectful social skills.
The basics to be included are:
Intro: Compliments
Problem Solving Time
Closing: Family Fun Activity/Calendar
Compliments are always done at the start of the family meeting to get the positive vibes flowing between family members. Each family member takes a turn giving a compliment to a fellow family member. It might be something they are grateful for, something they received help from this week, something they are thankful for that a family member did, acknowledgment of a success by another family member, or appreciation for something you like about a family member. In the days leading up to your family meeting, you might create awareness around compliments when you notice kind things happening between different family members.
After compliments are given, it is now problem-solving time. You might ask family members to think ahead of time about some problems they are having to bring to the family meeting, or you might just ask during the meeting if anyone has anything they’d like to discuss. Some families even have a box for family members to drop their problems in throughout the week that is opened during the family meeting.
Problem-solving time is highlighted by three steps:
Active/Reflective Listening
Brainstorming
Choosing a Solution
Active/Reflective Listening
Active/Reflective listening (see previous blog post here to become an expert!) is essential in communication. Active/Reflective listening is extremely important to help each family member feel heard and assured that they are understood. A few tips to keep in mind: validating does not mean agreeing, feelings do not have to be “fixed” — it’s healthy to experience feelings and develop coping skills, and behavior often escalates when one does not feel understood.
We listen with more than our ears. We also use our body language to foster connection and increase empathy. We make eye contact and body gestures to promote understanding. When a family member is finished sharing, others might reflect the feelings that came up when seeing the world through their perspective. Active/Reflective listening is not about being a judge, giving advice, or being a know-it-all. It is about being caring and supportive, not taking sides, and helping the person who is sharing feel safe to talk.
Brainstorming
Once a family member is finished sharing their problem, brainstorming is the next step. This is a time when all family members throw out potential solutions to the problem. Be playful and silly, coming up with ideas that are just plain ridiculous to lighten the mood. Record all of the suggestions and remind each other that this is not a time to defend or complain about a possible solution, just a moment to come up with as many solutions as possible.
Choosing a Solution
After all possible solutions have been shared, it is now time to choose the solution that works best for everyone. Work together to cross out any solutions that are not practical, respectful, or helpful. Narrow it down to one solution that everyone can agree on, and if that isn’t possible in this family meeting, let everyone think on it and come back to the next family meeting with time to process what has been discussed. It’s okay if a problem is not resolved in one sitting, by simply talking about what’s happening, it is making a difference. Choosing a solution is the perfect time to teach and model different ways to resolve conflict. Emphasize finding a win/win, taking turns, apologizing, compromising, or using an “I message.” An “I message” follows this format: “I feel ____ (tell the other person how you feel) when ____ (describe the event that caused your feelings, be specific) please ____ (tell what you would like to happen).”
The closing activity of a family meeting is the Family Fun Activity/Calendar. This is where different family members can share fun things they’d like to do together, and it is either done directly after the meeting ends or written on the calendar. You might choose to play a card game/board game together, go for a walk to a nearby park, bake a yummy treat, or choose to watch a movie with popcorn. Children are so good at coming up with fun ideas, but if you need more inspiration check out Pinterest. Also, each month in our newsletter we list free, family-friendly events that you can look through together and add to the family calendar. (Now on our list? Sign up here.)
Each family meeting will not always look the same, so model flexibility when you might need to dedicate more time to each of the different basics. There might not always be problems to solve each meeting, and sometimes it’s fun to table Problem-Solving Time and go straight to Family Fun Activity/Calendar.
As your children get used to the routine of these meetings they’ll also gain confidence in their communication skills and want to take more of an active role in the meetings. Be aware of your own expectations going into the family meeting — your children probably will not sit still the entire time and you might hear moans & groans. Expect a little chaos and take some deep breaths! Even if your family meeting doesn’t go according to your idyllic image, there is still value in having them regularly, and you’ll be surprised to see which seeds start to grow from it.
Family meetings can become a part of your family traditions that your children will look back on fondly, remembering how you gave them a space to express themselves and the happiness they felt during the family fun closing.
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WRITTEN BY JACLYN SEPP, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S™, NCC, RYT® 200 (SHE/HER/HERS)
Jaclyn believes that all human beings, no matter how small, deserve a place to be accepted for who they are, which drove her to establish Ensemble Therapy in 2015 with the mission to bring high quality therapeutic services to children, teens, and their families in Central Austin. Jaclyn is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor (LPC-S), Registered Play Therapist Supervisor™ (RPT-S™), National Certified Counselor (NCC) and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT® 200). She received her Master’s Degree in Professional Counseling from Texas State University (CACREP Accredited Program) and her Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology with a Minor in Applied Learning & Development from The University of Texas at Austin.
