Why We Have Toy Guns In the Playroom
Every so often, a parent will pull me aside before a session and say something like, “Hey, just so you know, we don’t allow pretend guns in our house, so if you could steer my child away from that kind of play, that’d be great.”
I get it. Truly. No one wants to think about their child running around pretending to shoot things. It makes us uncomfortable. It feels wrong. And with all the real violence in the world, the instinct to shut it down makes complete sense.
But here’s what I gently tell those parents: Your child is not violent. They’re processing some big things.
When children grab a block and turn it into a gun, or pick up a stick and turn it into a sword, they’re not doing it because they want to harm anyone. They’re doing it because they’re trying to figure out big things—power, safety, fear, good vs. evil. And when we shut that down, we’re not stopping those thoughts or feelings; we’re just sending the message that they’re too scary for us to even talk about.
Aggressive Play ≠ Violence
Lisa Dion, in Aggression in Play Therapy, talks a lot about how aggression in play isn’t about actual harm—it’s about energy. Children have all this big, intense, sometimes chaotic energy inside them, and they need to move it somewhere. Play is how they do that.
And if they don’t? That energy doesn’t just go away—it just finds another way out. Tantrums, anxiety, emotional shutdowns.
But when children can safely explore power, fear, and control in play? That’s where the real processing happens.
Garry Landreth and Dee Ray, two of the biggest names in play therapy, remind us that play is a child’s language. They don’t sit down and say, “I feel small and powerless in a big, scary world, and I’d like to work through that by engaging in a symbolic battle.” No. They pick up a toy sword, turn into a superhero, and start vanquishing imaginary enemies.
What Happens When We Shut It Down?
When we automatically shut down aggressive play, we might be sending messages we don’t intend, like:
Your big feelings make me uncomfortable.
We don’t talk about scary stuff in this space.
You have to figure this out alone.
And that’s the last thing we want, right? Children aren’t out here glorifying war—they’re trying to figure out their own sense of power, safety, and control in the midst of the chaos. If we let them play through it, they actually gain a better understanding of those things. But if we shut it down? That energy just gets pushed deeper inside.
So, How Do We Handle It?
If banning all pretend weapons isn’t the move, what is? Here’s what works:
Set Boundaries, Not Bans. Instead of, “No guns, no swords, no fighting,” try, “You can play fight, but everyone has to agree and stop if someone says no.” Boom—instant lesson in consent and respect.
Get Curious Instead of Uncomfortable. Instead of shutting it down, ask, “Whoa, that’s a big battle. What’s going on there?” Children will often tell us (through play, if not words) what they’re working through.
Let It Play Out. Aggressive play has a natural arc. Children will do it over and over and over again until they feel like they’ve figured out whatever they needed to. If we cut them off too soon, that process stays unfinished.
Reflect What You See. Play therapists do this all the time. If a child is smashing towers or pretending to attack, you might say, “Wow, you have a lot of energy in your body right now!” That helps them name and understand their emotions instead of feeling like they’re doing something bad.
Trust the Play
So next time a child picks up a block, points it at you, and yells, “I got you!”—don’t panic.
Instead, take a breath and get curious: What are they working through? What are they figuring out? How can I support them with these big feelings?
Because at the end of the day, our job as therapists (or caregivers, or teachers, or any adult in a child’s life) isn’t to protect children from their own emotions—it’s to help them feel safe having them. Even the big, messy, aggressive ones.
Interested in booking a session with Sarah?
WRITTEN BY Sarah Kelton, MEd, LPC, RYT®200
Sarah Kelton (she/her/hers) is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC). Sarah earned her bachelor's degree in Applied Learning and Development and her master's degree in Counselor Education from the University of Texas at Austin. She is currently working toward her Registered Play Therapist (RPT) credential.
