Talking About Sexual Development with Your Teen
Just like cognitive, physical, and emotional development, sexual development starts when a child is born.
While we encourage you to discuss sexual development with your child at every age, we know that the language used can become trickier as your little one becomes a teenager, so today I’ll be sharing some things to consider as you prepare for these conversations with your teen.
First, understanding the biology behind your teen’s growth can help us understand why it is important to have conversations about sexual development with them. (To learn more about talking with your little one about sexual development, check out my previous blog.)
The Biology
As your child enters adolescence, their development in the physical, cognitive, and emotional domains affects their sexual development. Physically, they are experiencing hormonal changes and sexual maturation. Cognitively, adolescents develop executive functioning, reasoning, problem solving, and decision making. However, the prefrontal cortex continues to develop into an individual’s 20’s, so teens do not have the same ability as an adult to plan, delay gratification, or display inhibition. Adolescents also have more intense reactions to both positive and negative stimuli. All of these cognitive changes play a role in teens partaking in risky behavior. These changes also affect how they experience and react to their sexual development, both emotionally and physically.
Why You Shouldn’t Have “The Talk”
There shouldn’t be just one talk with your teen about sex, but instead there should be an ongoing open dialogue. This resource from The National Child Traumatic Stress Network explains what should be said about sexual development to younger kids. However, there is much less guidance around what to say to teens because there is an expectation that they can learn and understand the information like an adult. We know that because their brain is not done developing, their reactions can be quite different. This is why it is important to have an open dialogue where the topic can be discussed more than once in a safe space.
Sometimes adults think that talking to kids about sexual behaviors encourages them to become sexually active, but research has shown these conversations give kids the knowledge that keeps them safe.
When having these conversations with your child, be sure to use anatomically correct terms. By not using vague or metaphorical terms, you not only eliminate any possible misinterpretation, but it also creates less body shame. For some caregivers, having educational resources, such as books or online sites, can ease the anxiety of explanations. However, make sure not to rely on these resources to be your child’s only source of information. It is important to build a safe space where your child feels comfortable discussing sexual development, and how will they feel comfortable if you don’t?
During these conversations, it’s important to:
Consider your values. Be sure to review any resources you plan to share with your child to assure they align with your values. You can also discuss with your child how other adults, the media, or peers might have different views.
Not make any assumptions. Don’t assume anything about your child’s experiences or sexuality. Incorrect assumptions can make it harder to develop an open dialogue. Remain curious with your child.
Be honest and vulnerable. If your child asks you a question you don’t know the answer to, be honest and let them know you will help them find the answer. Listen to what they have to say.
Build Trust through Open Communication
Having a continuous dialogue and a safe space for kids to explore sexual development builds trust and has positive effects on mental health, the caregiver-child relationship, and safe sex practices!
When teens and parents have a good relationship and talk openly about sex and contraception, the teen is more likely to use birth control (Widman et al., 2014).
A balance of connection and separation promotes autonomy. There are benefits for adolescents when they have the freedom to explore and make decisions, while also still receiving guidance and protection from caregivers (Berk, 2018).
The quality of the parent child relationship is the single most consistent predictor of mental health for teens (Collins and Steinberg, 2006).
The Digital Age
One last component to consider when having these conversations with your teen is the influence of media. When teens are exposed to sexualized media, there is increased sexual activity, pregnancy, and sexual harassment behaviors (Wright, Malamuth, and Donnerstein, 2012). Talk with your teen about their social media use, such as who they are following, what they post, and what their posts mean to them. Help them consider the influence of other types of media as well. We also recommend being “friends” with them on the social media platforms they use.
At the end of the day, remember that it is never too late to start having these conversations and knowledge is power!
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WRITTEN BY RACHEL ESPARZA, LPC ASSOCIATE (SHE/HER/HERS)
Rachel Esparza is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate supervised by Jaclyn N. Sepp, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S™, NCC, RYT® 200. Rachel is also working towards her Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™) credential. At Texas State University, Rachel earned her Master’s degree in Professional Counseling (CACREP Accredited Program) and her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. She has experience working with children, adolescents, young adults, and families in community counseling settings.
