"Good Job!"
“Good Job!” is so entrenched in our brains as a caregiving phrase.
Many caregivers (myself included) use it all the time. I would go so far to say that the only caregivers who don’t say “good job” to their children are the ones deliberately trying to avoid saying it. As ridiculous as it may sound, this blog is going to tell you why you should do just that, and the types of phrases you can try replacing it with.
Encouragement vs. Praise
I know what you’re thinking: “Wow, so ‘good job’ isn’t even okay to say to your kid anymore? That’s a bit nit-picky isn’t it?” I agree that it feels annoying to be policed on something like this, and please know that is not my intention. I do not want to convey any judgment during this blog; I want to encourage you to try an alternative approach to building your child up. Stay with me; you’ll see what I mean!
As usual, when I write conceptual blogs we start with some definitions. For our purposes, we will define Praise as positive, evaluative statements or judgments on what was achieved, whereas Encouragement will be defined as statements that focus on the effort and process that were used to achieve or complete a task. Statements like “Good job!”, “You’re so smart!” or “What a beautiful drawing!” would be considered praise, and statements like “You have really worked hard to improve on your math recently!”, “It’s such a big help when you clear your place at the table. Thank you!” or “I love your use of colors on this drawing! What's your favorite thing about it?” would be encouraging statements.
Why Does It Matter?
We can see that there are differences between the two approaches, and I would like to tell you why they matter. While the praising statements create a sense of competition by using comparison as a motivator (“you’re so smart” implies that they are smarter than others), encouragement uses descriptive feedback which allows children to reflect on the choices they made when completing a task or achievement. Praise can also lead to anxiety and dependency; a child who is usually praised, and then is not praised for one reason or another might think, “This time wasn’t good? Why didn’t anyone say it was good?” This means they are dependent on the praise of others, and they’ll be anxiously awaiting that praise. On the other hand, encouragement will foster a child’s ability to be internally motivated because they will equate their effort, choices and autonomy with their achievement. When you say “you used so many colors!” you draw the child’s attention to the effort they gave without passing judgment on their work.
If you’re still feeling skeptical at this point, don’t take my word for it; Carol Dweck has been researching this topic for over a decade. She has a fantastic TED Talk that I highly encourage you to watch, not to mention her many scholarly studies and articles.
All of these aforementioned sources support the idea that praise invites dependence, performance anxiety, and comparison while encouragement fosters independence, confidence, and internal motivation, in both short-term and long-term contexts.
At the end of the day, saying “good job” every once in a while will not destroy your child and set them on the path to failure. After all, children receive praise in the majority of settings they are in. They’re already getting enough, so let’s switch it up! My hope is that you read this blog, look at Carol Dweck’s work, and then consider working more encouraging phrases into your caregiving repertoire. Anytime you would use “Good job” or “I’m proud of you” or “You’re so pretty!” you have an opportunity to replace it with “You worked so hard on that!” or “You should be proud of yourself!” or “Your outfit is so coordinated!” As trivial as it may sound, I think you’ll find it makes a world of difference in the self-esteem of your child.
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WRITTEN BY BEN KINSEY, LCSW (HE/HIM/HIS)
Ben has worked with children and families in many different contexts: Summer camps, schools, foster care and children's shelters, hospitals, medical clinics, and private therapy. He’s worked with teens, toddlers, and everyone in between. He can tell you one thing for certain: there is no handbook for the challenges and hardship you and your child are facing, both in and outside your relationship with one another. The goal in his room is to give your child the tools to cope with and navigate through any troubles they may be wrestling with, and with the family's support, empower them to use those same tools in the future.
