Responsive Caregiving in a Time of Global Crisis
From the day they are born, children are incredibly perceptive.
Although sometimes clumsy and unaware, children are often very attuned to the mood of their surroundings and the emotional states of others. They know when someone is sad, angry, stressed, or excited and will often match the mood and behaviors around them. This is because they learn about the world through their relationships. They look to the actions of adults and peers to inform their responses to situations. We see this when kids fall and scrape their knees: they often immediately look to the response of adults before they start to cry or scream.
Caregivers have tremendous power in shaping the behaviors and responses of children. However, it doesn’t always feel this way. Kids stand when we want them to sit, they run when we want them to walk. They push the limits on rules and our patience. Though frustrating for adults, this is normal as kids are learning about their own autonomy and the role of adults in their lives. We do know from research that adults’ responses to stressors over time is observed and often repeated by the children in their lives. If we ignore problems, they learn to ignore problems; if we address emotions and communicate calmly and respectfully, they see that and learn to embody those patterns over time.
Reading this may feel intimidating. We may feel shame for our responses to stressful situations in the past. We may even feel remorse over how we have reacted to our kids in times of stress. Know that it’s okay to mess up. All of us will, no one is a perfect caregiver. What is important is that you develop an awareness of your emotions during stress and find adaptive ways to respond to stress that model healthy coping skills for your kids. Developing these patterns now will not only help your personal well-being in the long run, but will model healthy, adaptive responses to stress for your children as well.
Below are a few tangible ways you can model emotional care and responsiveness as a caregiver during these particularly stressful times.
Care for yourself
How you respond to stress in your own life teaches your child how they should respond to their stressors. By tending to our emotions and caring for ourselves when we are stressed or anxious, we model healthy emotional responsiveness that our kids will see and inevitably learn from.
When most of us think of self-care, we may imagine a nice bubble bath or a relaxing massage on our day off. But self-care in its best form is something that can be practiced daily in realistic and manageable ways. Maybe for you, that looks like taking time to talk to someone you trust or going on a walk to clear your thoughts. It can also look like taking a shower and letting your body relax after a long and tiring day. It’s also something we can practice with our kids: we can walk together, read a family favorite book, or color with calming music in the background.
Self-care looks different for each of us, but we can each care for ourselves by being mindful of what is going on in us and around us. One way we can do this, especially now, is through noticing and appropriately responding to how you feel in the moment instead of pushing it down.
This ultimately teaches your kids that:
1) It’s okay to have big emotions,
2) It’s okay to care for ourselves when things feel stressful or scary, and
3) We can practice self-care in little, manageable ways every day.
Focus on what you can control
If you’ve seen Frozen II (as I’m sure many of us have during these times at home), you may remember when the sisters are distressed and figuring out how to respond to the crisis in the kingdom, and the camera switches to Olaf playing with kids. He says, “We’re calling this controlling what you can when things feel out of control.” Though a goofy, animated character, Olaf’s words have some wisdom for us all. In situations where things feel out of control, it’s often more helpful to shift our focus from what we can’t control to what we can control.
During times of crisis, like the one we are currently experiencing, it’s normal for our minds to gravitate to unknowns and what we cannot control. This is because we want to fix what is wrong and remove whatever danger is threatening the safety of us and our families. Although well-intentioned, this usually only leads to more anxiety and hopelessness over time. It is often much more helpful to focus on the things we can control in the moment. This restores us and our kids a sense of autonomy and power in a situation that can make us feel powerless.
For adults, this can look like focusing on manageable work tasks, cleaning, or taking time to do something constructive or creative. It can also look like taking time to simply breathe deeply or stretch your body. Doing these small things can restore power to us in little ways and remind us that we are not completely powerless, no matter how bleak things may seem.
For kids, they already have more limits on their power because of their age and abilities, so finding ways for them to let them exercise autonomy can be incredibly beneficial as they develop. Play is a natural way for kids to creatively explore their autonomy. Aside from play, kids can take ownership of certain household tasks that give them responsibility and ownership. They can also build and create things with their hands in ways that help them feel physically engaged and autonomous in their own creation.
Lean into the unknown
Right now it’s very tempting to want to have all the answers, especially as caregivers. We want to tell our kids when they’ll be able to go back to school and see their friends. We also want some of the answers for ourselves. Although we can try to act like we know when things will turn around and return to normal, the truth is we don’t. I encourage you to resist the urge to pretend like you have the answers, especially with your kids. Instead, admit that you don’t know and respond with empathy. This teaches kids that it’s okay not to know everything and we can non-anxiously respond to unknowns.
Some helpful responses to big questions from kids may look like:
“I wish I knew, but all of us are still figuring this out. I do know that we’ll be at home a lot more, and even though that’s really different for us, let’s think of some ways we can make the most of it.”
“I know you are sad you can’t see your friends. I am sad I can’t see my friends too. Maybe we can call them or video chat with them soon to let them know how much we miss them.”
“You’re really mad that you can’t go to school and play with your friends! I would be mad too. Let’s think of some ways we can let out that anger. What if we build a tower and knock it down a few times?”
The times we are in now are strange, overwhelming, and disorienting for all of us. Although the aforementioned responses will not solve any of these problems, they may make transition to life at home a little smoother. Through caring for ourselves, focusing on what we can control, and leaning into unknowns, we can not only establish healthy coping patterns for ourselves but can model those patterns for our kids as well.
References/Additional Resources:
Garner, P. W. (2012). Children’s emotional responsiveness and sociomoral understanding and associations with mothers’ and fathers’ socialization practices. Infant Mental Health Journal, 33(1), 95–106.
Poon, J., Zeman, J., Miller-Slough, R., Sanders, W., & Crespo, L. (2017). “Good enough” parental responsiveness to Children’s sadness: Links to psychosocial functioning. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 48, 69–78.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/think-act-be/202003/anxious-about-the-coronavirus-these-practices-can-help
Peterson, T. J. (2018). The mindfulness workbook for anxiety: the 8-week solution to help you manage anxiety, worry & stress. Emeryville, CA: Althea Press.
Loop, L., Mouton, B., Stievenart, M., & Roskam, I. (2017). One or many? Which and how many parenting variables should be targeted in interventions to reduce children’s externalizing behavior? Behaviour Research and Therapy, 92, 11–23.