Caregiving in Novel Times

Heellooo to all the fellow caregivers out there! (As I write this I imagine my voice is echoing off the walls of a big cave.) These are some crazy, uncertain, chaotic, stressful (have I missed anything?) times we are currently living in...and now we have COVID-19 on top of all of it.

So what do we do? How do we cope? How do we support our kids? 

First and foremost, you need to take care of your physical and mental health needs first. I’m sure everyone is familiar with the analogy that in emergencies you have to put on your air mask first. Well, this is exactly that kind of emergency. I’ll say it again because it’s important, CAREGIVERS! TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF! 

I’m sure you’ve already heard this advice (I know I have) and initially, I put in it the same bin of advice as “Sleep when the baby sleeps,” remember that one? Yeah, right. But, serious time, you’ve got to carve out some time for yourself. Make a list of things that you can do (for yourself) then look at the list and pick a couple (or more--go wild!) that are feasible. 

Next, put them on your family/shared calendar. That’s right, actually set the time aside. That doesn’t mean saying, “I’m going to go for a walk/do yoga/read sometime tomorrow.” It means coordinating time with your partner/children’s schedule and carving out that time. Now as much as I spout this information, these times are novel (see what I did there?) and this is HARD. Even though I am telling you what is the best course of action doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what I’m actually doing all the time (but you’ll never know because of social distancing). 

After taking care of yourself, focus on your children’s physiological and mental health needs first. What? You may ask. How can I focus on their mental health needs? We need to get through their homeschool curriculum and Zoom playdates and learn how to code! Those questions are understandable, but first, let’s do a quick review of Psych 101. Remember Maslow and his hierarchy of needs? His theory is that individuals’ most basic needs must be met before they become motivated to achieve higher-level needs. Basically, you have to meet their physiological (food, water, shelter, rest) and mental health needs before they can even focus on learning. 

Here are some simple ways you can meet those physiological and mental health needs. 

1. Stick to a routine.  

Kids (and adults) thrive on routine. Yes, your routine may look different than usual, but it’s still a routine. Try to write out a daily routine. Get input from your kids. Maybe they prefer to have outside time right away each morning? Sure! Once you decide on a routine, stay with it. Allow for flexibility while keeping the framework the same. Each morning, check in with your kids and go through the daily schedule. Each evening (during dinner) reflect on it. What went well? How did everyone adapt when your two-hour Zoom meeting ran long? Not well? Okay, what can we, as a family, do better tomorrow? Check out my previous blog for more information on routines here.

2. Continue to stick with the regular bathing/dressing schedule. 

You know it’s not good for everyone to stay in pajamas all day. Get up, showered, teeth brushed, and dressed in comfortable clothes. Last week, my four-year-old wore a swimsuit for three of the five weekdays. But, she did change into it each morning as part of getting dressed, and it was rainy weather so frankly, it did make logical sense. 

3. Eat well and stay hydrated.  

Admittedly this was tough, especially at the beginning of the quarantine. But you know this. When you (and your family) eat better, you feel better.  Use this time to try out that new recipe, or better yet, teach your kids how to cook a couple of staple meals so once we are out of quarantine and life starts moving fast, they’ll be able to help with weekly meals. 

4. Go outside at least once a day. 

Seriously, do it. Being outside does wonders for your/their mental health. Raining? No worries, no one is going to pull a Wicked Witch of the West (i.e. melt). Nervous that they’re being too loud or wild (i.e. wrestling on the front lawn)? Again, no worries. It’s “quarantine rules.” (Working Title of my next blog is “How to remember social norms and reinstate them with your kids.”) 

5. Be active.

If the weather is truly awful or you live in a location where going outside isn’t feasible, find ways to be active each day. Find a yoga class (try out Cosmic Kids--she does yoga with popular books/movies), GoNoodle (most kids used this in school), or just turn on music and dance. 

6. Expect behavioral difficulties. 

Transitions and the unknown are hard for everyone, but they can be especially difficult for kids. There will be more tantrums, “attitude,” bedtime worries and nightmares. Use the “Three R’s” from Dr. Bruce Perry to help your child learn, think and reflect. 

• Regulate: Help your child regulate and calm their fight/flight/freeze responses, 

• Relate: Relate and connect with your child through an attuned and sensitive relationship, and 

• Reason: Support your child as they reflect, learn, remember and articulate to become self-assured. 

Read more about Perry’s Neurosequential Model here. Give as much extra attention and affection as is accepted. This is not the time to make any major life changes or behavior consequences. Attempt to keep things as stable as possible. Bibliotherapy can also be a useful tool. Bibliotherapy helps children feel less alone when they read about a character going through something similar to their experience.  Bibliotherapy is also effective in promoting problem-solving, increasing compassion, developing empathetic understanding and enhancing self-awareness.  For a comprehensive list of books by need, check out our Bibliotherapy page! 

7. Build time into your routine for your kids to play (either alone or with each other). 

Kids communicate through their play. Know that play is helpful for kids as it allows them to process and work through what they are experiencing. Don’t be surprised when coronavirus and doctor visits play through. Or if they are repeatedly saying, “Sorry, I’ve got to jump on a call.”  Make time to engage and play with your kid(s).

8. Connect with others. 

Although Zoom playdates have been hit or miss in our house, keeping your kids engaged with their friends is important. Try writing an old-fashioned letter and biking it over to their friend’s house. (Look! You just combined writing and a physical activity--homeschooling teacher extraordinaire!) Nervous about touching their mailbox? Have your child leave their note in a “secret spot” in their yard. (Obviously, text the other caregiver and let them know what’s occurred.) Are friends too far away? Time to teach your child some life skills;  keyboarding and sending an email. Do you know who’s excellent at FaceTime/Hangouts/Zoom playdates? Grandparents (and aunts/uncles)! If they’re unsure what to do/talk about, have them read a story to your kids. 

9. Being together 24/7 is hard. 

After approximately four weeks (or 1,489 days) into the quarantine, this comes as no surprise. Be empathetic, and give your family the benefit of the doubt. (Here is an amazing video on empathy by Brene Brown.) Being stuck in a place for an extended period of time means everyone will have moments where they are not at their best. Know that everyone is doing as well as they can and be graceful during and after blowups. Be creative in finding places where everyone can retreat. Live in a small place? Make a fort with your child so they can have some private time. (Look! You just combined engineering and social-emotional learning--another homeschooling teacher extraordinaire!) Having a separate space to go when they are feeling stressed/need to relax is important. 

10. Limit COVID conversations and your news intake.

As adults and as we all regulate to this time of so many unknowns, it can feel comforting to gain as much understanding of this virus as possible and its ramifications. However, try to limit social media and COVID conversation, especially around your kids.  Although you can find a lot of information on the coronavirus to consume, and it feels like it changes minute to minute, try to limit your consumption to several times a day. When sharing information, changes, or cancellations with your kids, try to make it concrete and brief.  Don’t over-explain, and let them guide the conversation with their questions. 

11. Find ways to give back to others.

Helping others can give you (and your family) a sense of purpose when everything feels out of control. Check in with neighbors, and offer to help with their groceries or yard work. Check-in with your family and friends regularly. Support local businesses, as you are able. Have you read our blog on Experiences are the Real Gifts? Use this time to support your network. In that same vein, don’t hesitate to reach out to your support system and ask for help. Every single person is affected by this virus. Everyone. Got it? We are all carrying around our own grief/hardship/joy in this, and what you are experiencing is not lesser than anyone else. Don’t hesitate to lean on someone because this will be long and likely they’ll need to lean on you too. If nothing else, consider this as a teaching moment to your children as they see you asking for help.  

In sum, you got this. You will get through this, and it will end. It has to. And, if you drive by my house and see two kids wrestling/dancing/yelling in the rain while their mom watches from under the porch, remember, it’s “quarantine rules” and anything goes. I’ll see you on the other side. 

Need more support? Have additional questions? Is your family having difficulty adapting? Interested in parent coaching? Contact kate@ensembletherapy.com to set up a free 15-minute phone consultation.

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WRITTEN BY KATE CURRAN MIRE, SSP, LSSP, NCSP

Kate received her undergraduate degree from The University of Texas-Austin in Applied Learning and Development. In August 2008, she became a certified Master Reading Teacher through the University of Texas-Austin. Kate went on to receive a Specialist Degree in School Psychology from Texas State University-San Marcos.