Regulating Nervous Systems in Your Family
“Human beings are not born with self-control. We have to learn what to do with the mad that we feel. Learning to control ourselves is a long, hard process. It happens little by little. In fact, it is something we work on all through our lives.” - Mr Rogers
Children do not enter this world with bad intentions. Children offer us information, and if we’re courageous enough to listen to the information, we can attune to their inner experiences. We can perceive their behavior as communication, not as manipulation. Children, like all human beings, feel more cooperative when they are treated with respect and kindness. As adults, we do not respond well to people who speak to us harshly or treat us with disrespect - but this can sometimes be our default reaction when faced with our children’s big feelings.
The Science Behind Big Emotions
Understanding the different parts of our brain and how they work together can help you feel better equipped to show up with your child when they are faced with big emotions. We each have our own unique window of tolerance, the zone where intense emotional arousal can be processed in a healthy way, allowing you to function and react to stress or challenges effectively. Recognizing what happens to you physically and emotionally in times of stress is the first step to widening your window of tolerance. Our perception of whether we can do something about a challenge or not, determines which part of our nervous system becomes activated.
When our initial response to a challenge or stressor is “I can do this,” we move into hyperarousal (revs you up) which engages our sympathetic nervous system (fight/flight). Some examples of symptoms you might see in your child include hyper-alertness or vigilance, increased heart rate, defensive responses, anxiety, excessive movement, irritability, and uncontrollable bouts of rage or aggression.
When our initial response to a challenge or stressor is, “I can’t do this,” we move into hypoarousal (slows you down) which engages our parasympathetic/dorsal nervous system (collapse/immobilization). Some examples of symptoms you might see in your child include helplessness, lack of motivation, depression, isolation, tiredness, non-expressive, and emotional constriction.
Both of these states of dysregulation are not a state of mindfulness; rather, we’ve actually lost the connection to ourselves and others. Developmentally, children cannot think logically, make conscious choices, give adults eye contact, communicate clearly, feel grounded, or have the ability to notice their breath if they are in a state of hyper or hypo arousal. Engaging in conversation, lecturing (when I was your age…), comparing to others (look how nicely that child is waiting their turn…), questioning (why did you do that? what were you thinking?), teaching philosophy (we can’t control other people…) or denying feelings (you don’t hate your sister…) are not effective strategies. When children are dysregulated they are disconnected in their relationship with themselves and you, so we have to help them get back inside their window of tolerance.
Communicating Empathy & Validation
Behaviors often escalate when children do not feel understood. This is where empathy and validation come in. Brene Brown’s video on Empathy provides us with multiple examples of how we can see the world through another’s eyes. Feelings are not to be “fixed” because it is healthy for us to experience a full range of emotions, develop a wider window of tolerance, and identify coping skills for more stressful moments in life. Colleen Maher, Senior Therapist at Ensemble Therapy has a great blog on the importance of reflecting feelings that goes into more depth on the first step in regulating nervous systems from Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson’s research.
Having an authentic response to our children looks like acknowledging the impact when something comes up inside of you. Lisa Dion, the founder of Synergetic Play Therapy, explains the journey of authenticity in this helpful video. Our children are always watching and always listening - they learn through observation because we are each other’s mirrors.
Children can sense when something is going on inside of you and it can be confusing when we feel one way internally and express a different feeling externally. One common example might be saying, “I’m fine,” when you are clearly feeling frustrated or irritated by a stressor. This is not to say that we need to explain the reason behind our feelings at all times with our children (consider first if it’s appropriate or developmentally sound), but it is important to recognize what is coming up inside of you and to name it aloud.
When we name something going on inside of us, children will check to see if that is what is going on inside of them too.
You model that it’s okay to have a relationship with yourself.
How We Use Our Senses to Regulate
Every second our brain takes in 10 billion bits of sensory data, however, only 1% is actually in our awareness. The sensory information that we focus on motivates our behavior and shows up in the symptoms that we experience in our bodies. When children experience big emotions we can see both physical and emotional dysregulation. Using sensory tools helps ground and reconnect our brains with our bodies, moving us back into our window of tolerance. Think back to those early experiences between a caregiver and an infant: the movement of gentle rocking, the thumping sound of a caregiver’s heartbeat, the touching of skin-to-skin contact, the secure wrapping of a swaddle, the smell of milk or formula. All of these involve our senses and were our formative experiences of co-regulation.
Our sensory systems are constantly assessing our environment for safety or threat, which means each child might respond differently to sensory input based on their previous experiences. Some children may experience an overstimulation or under-stimulation to different senses, so it’s important to be aware of your child’s sensory portrait, explained further in our blog. We want to engage our children’s sensory systems in a way that helps them regulate and feel grounded in their body, promoting mindfulness and not further dysregulation. Our Cool Down Kits are a collection of sensory tools that can be used to help children get back inside in their window of tolerance. It takes some experimentation to find the right tools for your child, so notice which sensory tools they gravitate towards and utilize those during times of dysregulation.
Mindful Breathing with Children
Breathing deeply not only sends oxygen to your prefrontal cortex (the thinking part of your brain), it also restores a sense of safety, control and grounding to one’s body in the present moment. Breathing deeply may not come as naturally for littles, especially if they find themselves in a state of dysregulation. Before prompting your child to breathe deeply, start by modeling deep breathing yourself. Take long, exaggerated breaths to keep your nervous system regulated and mindful. Model helpful behaviors that you want your child to copy in their visual field instead of asking for compliance with directives with them. Take notice of your child’s nonverbals and validate their emotional experience with a kind tone and descriptive words. This might sound like, “I hear you raising your voice and see you putting your hands into tight fists. These are things we do when we’re feeling angry.”
Many of us find the words, “take a deep breath,” dysregulating, so finding creative ways to incorporate deep breathing is often the path of least resistance. Playful breathing tasks such as blowing bubbles, racing pompoms across a table by breathing through a straw, and balancing a stuffed animal on your abdomen while you lay still on your back are often better received. Mindful breathing is a muscle we can strengthen through repeated use over time. The more we use mindful breathing in moments of calm, the more readily we can access and implement this practice in times of escalation.
In summary, feelings are normal! Dysregulation happens to all of us. Humans are not born with the ability to self-regulate, it takes lots of practice over time with an attuned caregiver to gradually release the responsibility from co-regulation to self-regulation. Stay curious!
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WRITTEN BY JACLYN SEPP, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S™, NCC, RYT® 200 (SHE/HER/HERS)
Jaclyn believes that all human beings, no matter how small, deserve a place to be accepted for who they are, which drove her to establish Ensemble Therapy in 2015 with the mission to bring high quality therapeutic services to children, teens, and their families in Central Austin. Jaclyn is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor (LPC-S), Registered Play Therapist Supervisor™ (RPT-S™), National Certified Counselor (NCC) and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT® 200). She received her Master’s Degree in Professional Counseling from Texas State University (CACREP Accredited Program) and her Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology with a Minor in Applied Learning & Development from The University of Texas at Austin.
