The Power of Pivotal Moments in Your Child’s Social-Emotional Development
As children grow, the adults in their lives naturally have expectations about their evolving social and emotional needs. We recognize that babies require more consistent care and attention. We expect toddlers to assert their independence. We anticipate that elementary school children will begin to develop their self-confidence. We understand that teenagers strive to establish their identity.
These developmental milestones shape a child’s journey, but they also come with challenges. How can parents and caregivers provide meaningful support when these challenges arise? How can they ensure that these pivotal moments have a positive impact on a child's well-being and mental health?
A well-established theory in child development offers insights into these questions. Erik Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development explains how people encounter specific conflicts at different ages, which shape their personal growth and social interactions. Successfully navigating these conflicts helps individuals build lifelong psychological strengths.
Erikson’s Infancy Stage: Birth to 18 months
In infancy (birth to 18 months), children are facing the conflict Erikson calls trust vs mistrust. The child develops a sense of trust when they are taught by their caregiver that the world is safe and people are dependable. The child develops a sense of mistrust if they are taught that the world is inconsistent and unpredictable. So how can you help your child develop a sense of trust so that they successfully navigate this conflict? You can be reliable, consistent, and nurturing.
We know that as infants, children need a lot of co-regulation and don’t have much of an ability to self-soothe. Therefore, by having the adults in their life consistently provide nurturance, they learn to trust that the world is safe and people are dependable.
Erikson said that each stage had an important event, and in infancy the important event was feeding. We can see how reliably feeding a baby can help to build their trust that people are dependable and their needs will be met. Erikson also theorized that each stage has a virtue as an outcome if the child successfully completes the stage. In this stage, the virtue is hope. Children who learn to trust the world develop a sense of hope that when a need arises, others will be there to provide support.
This information makes sense with what we know from research on attachment styles. As Meg explains in Ensemble’s blog on the topic, a secure attachment means “we connect just as well in relationships and with others as we do with ourselves. We are equally as comfortable being alone as we are being in relationships.” Other attachment styles can lead to people-pleasing behavior, extreme independence, or becoming fearful-avoidant.
Erikson’s Early Childhood Stage: 18 months to 3 years
In early childhood (18 months to 3 years), children are facing the conflict Erikson calls autonomy vs shame and doubt. The child develops autonomy when they are encouraged by their caregiver to be independent. The child develops a sense of shame and doubt when their caregiver takes control too often.
To help your child develop autonomy, you can encourage them to tackle tasks on their own (when it is a task they are developmentally capable of doing) and provide them with choices throughout their day. In play therapy, we call these “returning responsibility” and “choice giving for autonomy.”
You can learn more about implementing these in daily life in this workshop, but I’ll share some examples as well. Imagine you are at the table with your toddler working on arts and crafts. To return responsibility, you might tell them, “That’s something you can do!” when they ask you to get them another piece of paper. To give a choice for autonomy, you might ask them if they would prefer to use the red scissors or the blue scissors today.
Erikson’s important event in this stage is toilet training. When a child is toilet training, they learn to have control over their own body and build confidence when they use the toilet. Erikson’s virtue for this stage is will. When a child develops independence, we see their increased sense of will as they become more confident in their ability to take on the world.
Erikson’s Preschool Years Stage: 3 to 5 years
In the preschool years (3 to 5 years), children are facing the conflict Erikson calls initiative vs guilt. The child develops initiative when they are able to take on more leadership. This stage can appear similar to the previous one as there is an important piece of independence in both. However, the previous stage is more about independence in basic life skills, while this stage is more focused on developing a sense of purpose in social interactions and decision-making. The child develops guilt when they are discouraged from independent activities.
Erikson’s important event in this stage is exploration! Exploration is important in this stage because it is how children find an opportunity to have initiative at this age. With your preschool-aged child, you can use play to help them find initiative through exploration. When playing with your child, let them take the lead. This might mean limiting your questions and imitating their play.
To dive deeper into how to let your child take the lead in play, visit this page on playing with your child. Letting your child take the lead in play also means letting them learn from their mistakes. We know that mistakes are learning opportunities! Letting them learn from their mistakes can also help bolster self-confidence, as they will feel more proud of themselves when they figure it out on their own.
Erikson’s virtue for this stage is purpose. When a child plans activities and makes up games because they have the lead, they develop a sense of purpose, whereas if someone else takes the lead, their sense of purpose is taken away.
Erikson's Elementary School Stage: 6 to 11 years
When children are in elementary school (6 to 11 years), children are facing the conflict Erikson calls industry vs inferiority. The child develops industry when they have a sense of competence in their skills to complete tasks and work with others, encouraged by parents and teachers. The child develops a sense of inferiority when they don’t have the opportunity to demonstrate their skills or if they receive negative feedback about their skills.
Erikson’s event in this stage is elementary school. In school, children have many opportunities to learn and demonstrate competence. School also provides a social setting in which children can gauge their level of competence as well as receive feedback about their skills.
To help your child during this stage, you can come prepared to parent-teacher conferences so that you know how your child is doing in school. When you know how your child is doing in school, you can provide support that will be the most helpful. This might be working with your child’s teacher to see how you can support them in a subject they have more trouble with or maybe working with your child’s counselor to see what social-emotional support you can provide at home.
Erikson’s virtue for this stage is competence. When a child feels they are as capable as their peers, they feel confident in their ability to accomplish whatever they seek.
Throughout each stage of development, children face unique challenges that shape their social and emotional growth. By understanding Erikson’s Stages of Psychosocial Development, parents and caregivers can provide the necessary support to help children navigate these pivotal moments with confidence.
From building trust in infancy to fostering independence, initiative, and competence in later years, each stage offers opportunities for learning and resilience. By nurturing children through these transitions with encouragement and thoughtful guidance, we can help them develop the emotional strengths they need to thrive. With this foundation, children are better equipped to face future challenges, build meaningful relationships, and grow into well-adjusted individuals with a strong sense of self.
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WRITTEN BY Rachel Esparza, LPC-Associate
Rachel Esparza is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate supervised by Jaclyn N. Sepp, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S™, NCC, RYT® 200 and Sheila Wessels, MEd, LPC-S, RPT-S™. Rachel is also working towards her Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™) credential. At Texas State University, Rachel earned her master’s degree in professional counseling (CACREP Accredited Program) and her bachelor’s degree in psychology. She has experience working with children, adolescents, young adults, and families in community counseling settings.
