‘Laziness’ Tells Us A Lot
Many of us have been called lazy at some point in our lives; some of us have never been accused of it. Generally, I get upset when a child is called lazy, but it isn’t for the reason you think. Adults usually call a child lazy when the child isn’t motivated to “do something that needs to be done.” Plenty of parents and caregivers find frustration when their child refuses to do something required of them (see also “applying to oneself”), and that feeling is understandable. All the parents and caregivers that I know want their kid to be able to perform their responsibilities, but when you call a child “lazy,” that’s sometimes where parenting stops.
The purpose of describing a child as lazy is many times, twofold. The first is what was described above. The second is to dismiss this behavior as some kind of innate problem in a child’s psyche. In my experience, someone who describes someone else as lazy isn’t interested in the reason for the behavior. Which is a shame! What a child is motivated or not motivated to do can tell us a lot if we dig a little deeper, and that’s what we’re going to do here today.
For this part of the blog, I’m going back to the well for the same Nietzche quote from my blog about motivation: “He who has a why to live for can bear almost any how.”
In many cases, a child who doesn’t want to do something doesn’t see or understand the reason he must do it. But if it was as simple as telling a child why they need to brush their teeth, none of us would have a problem getting our children to brush their teeth. It may not be a conscious thought, but a child probably thinks something like, “I didn’t brush my teeth the other day, and it didn’t affect me or my life at all. My parents say it matters, but I don’t see why.” This is a big reason for what caregivers perceive as laziness.
There may also be forces at play that actively make your child want to avoid doing something. Generally, where the behavior is active avoidance, the feeling behind it is anxiety. If a child doesn’t want to go play a sport, even though they like it, It’s usually because she’s anxious about performing beneath her standard for herself. Many of my clients in the past have had a “if I’m not going to be good at it, I don’t want to try” mentality. How that might manifest is with them saying something akin to, “I just don’t want to.” But in general, if your child is a chronic avoider, even of things you know they enjoy, it isn’t laziness, it’s anxiety.
Some children perform their responsibilities very dutifully without much input from parents–perhaps they truly grasp the concept of delayed gratification, or perhaps they are simply motivated by praise, or by defining themselves as responsible and mature. But for those of us with children who really only want to engage in the things that interest them, it’s our job as caregivers to show them (not tell them) why their responsibilities are important.
Frankly, I haven’t found a better way to do this than simple incentives and consequences. This bulleted list is going to be very similar to the one in my blog about motivation, but I’m going to include it here again with some added context.
Identify what motivates your child, and what you would like them to do.
We have a practical example of something that your child might want, and most parents can usually come up with something their child really likes, even if it isn’t video games. Likewise, many parents can envision what they want their child to work on; the key here is to be as specific as possible with the desired action. That way, your child knows exactly what they need to do to get the outcome they desire.
Decide how much of the reward you’re okay with giving.
This is a really important part of the process, given the next step. You have to know what boundaries you’re going to hold. It’s completely up to you to decide what you’re okay with giving or not giving, and under what circumstances. For a screen time example, you can say, “If you do ____ every week, you can play as much as you want on Friday night. But you can’t play at all on Friday if you don’t do ____.” You can do it however you want here, just as long as you feel like the reward is commensurate with the amount of effort the child will put in, and you know you’ll be able to give the reward as consistently as possible.
Have the conversation.
I usually advise families to have these conversations when the child is regulated, on a good day. The car can sometimes be a good place to do this or in a child’s room before bed. As for how to start the conversation, I like to use something like, “I want to make a deal with you,” or “I want to make you a proposition,” if you want to just incentivize something.
For something you really need to happen, you would say, “We need to restructure how screen time works. From now on, you’ll need to earn screen time by doing ____.” They’ll definitely protest, then you’ll say, “This can actually be really good for you–you’ll be able to earn more screen time if you keep up your end of the bargain.” And then you’ll explain the structure of the reward system you have come up with. I like to advocate for parents to invite their child to have a say in how/what they earn; after all, agency is the name of the game, right?
I also want to have a bulleted list for the avoidant kids with anxiety. Incentives and consequences can work here too, but I find it to be healthier and more effective to include some other encouragement as well.
Discourage perfectionism.
Easier said than done, of course. But this is for those “I don’t want to try if I might fail” kids. The perfectionist mindset is discouraged by praising the process. So I always encourage caregivers with perfectionist-leaning kids to incorporate more simple phrases like, “You really worked hard out there,” and “I saw you studying hard last night. You’re really putting in work!” Comments like these, over time, can really shift a child’s focus from their achievement to their effort, and that’s huge. For more on this, check out the incredible Carol Dweck—she has a fantastic TEDted Talk and much more on this subject.
2. Personify the anxiety.
This might be significantly easier than it used to be now that Inside Out 2 came out. But if your 6-year-old child doesn’t want to go to their big soccer game, you can say, “Oh man. Anxiety is showing up again, huh? Making you not want to go play soccer. What’s Anxiety saying to you?”
It might not work the first time, but pointing the anxiety out when it’s happening will get a child’s gears turning, and it helps them think about the anxiety as separate from themselves. Then the child can come up with a way to say, “Get out of here, Anxiety! I’m going to be brave!” This can still be done with older kids as well, you just might need to be less hokie about it. Maybe cite an example of a time when they were worried about going somewhere but ended up going and loving it.
3. Make it safe to fail.
When a child comes up short in some way (whether it was short of your expectations or theirs) try to check any negative feelings you have about it, and jump straight to the empathy piece. That might look something like this, “You didn’t reach your goal. That’s hard.” Then, when a child is ready to talk about it, “When you tried this time, what worked? What didn’t work?” and usually the conversation starts to steer into an empowering direction, about making plans for what to do next time.
Overall, you don’t want your child to be motivated by how you, as the caregiver, feel. You want them to be motivated by their own feelings, beliefs, and self.
Because of this, focusing on how disappointed you are could be counterproductive. But acknowledging the shame, guilt, or disappointment in your child, which is usually there after a failure, can really help them start to build that internal infrastructure.
Getting your child into problem-solving mode after a failure is such an incredible tool for life. Any time you can help them safely analyze failures, you’ll decrease their fear of it, and they’ll be empowered to try new things more often.
When you make it safe to fail, you make it safe to try, and to succeed!
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I have worked with children and families in many different contexts: Summer camps, schools, foster care and children's shelters, hospitals, medical clinics, and private therapy. I've worked with teens, toddlers, and everyone in between. I can tell you one thing for certain: there is no handbook for the challenges and hardship you and your child are facing, both in and outside your relationship with one another. The goal in my room is to give your child the tools to cope with and navigate through any troubles they may be wrestling with, and with the family's support, empower them to use those same tools in the future.
