The Happy Teen: A Delicate Balance of Freedom and Responsibility
The teenage years are universally agreed upon as one of the more difficult trials caregivers face.
It can be a difficult time for teens as well as so much has changed (and is changing!) in their world. But how do we help them?! When we try to give helpful advice or even angry redirection it is dismissed; when we leave them alone, they do something we don’t want them to do!
This is the perception shared by many caregivers. The purpose of this post is to help you understand how your teen may be feeling, and what to do to help them learn how to take care of their own wants and needs.
Every family, relationship, and situation is different, and I don’t presume to have all the answers. However, I have spent considerable time with different teens across different environments, and I’ve observed some universal factors that seem to help teens be happier and find more satisfaction with their life. My hope is that you’ll be able to apply this information in a way that makes sense for you and your teen.
I can’t speak for every teen, but I can say that many of them want to be understood. They want their thoughts and feelings to be respected and many of them want to have the same freedom as an adult has. I have seen teens go about achieving these goals in unproductive, hurtful ways; I have also seen teens achieve them in extremely productive and healthy ways as well.
A common bit of banter we often associate with teens and caregivers is the teen saying something like, “When are you going to stop treating me like a little kid?” and the caregiver says, “When you stop acting like one!”
This kind of argument can go on for years without either side trying to understand each other. No, it seems that often a teen believes that the caregiver should just acknowledge that they are now an equal because of their age—no behavior modification required. Inversely, caregivers often have the notion that teens should start understanding what it means to conduct themselves as an adult would, perhaps without much direction other than: “Grow up!”
The teen wants freedom, and the caregiver wants the teen to start taking responsibility and act with more maturity. An argument could be made that a large part of success as an adult is the combination of these two concepts. For example, If you work hard (responsibility) you get paid and can do things with the money you earn (freedom).
Of course, it is possible to have too much or too little of one or the other no matter who or what age you are, and everyone has varying degrees of freedom and responsibility in their life that they may or may not be satisfied with.
The bottom line that you want to communicate to your teen is that responsibility is how you earn freedom.
The most intuitive example of this idea is a teen’s first car. The car represents freedom to a teen, but it should also represent responsibility. A teen can go over to a friend’s house or go to the store to get something they want whenever they want once they have a car. But, on top of the massive responsibility that the act of driving already entails, a teen with a car may be expected to run errands or take their siblings to school. Perhaps the teen can be financially responsible for the car in some way like insurance or simply paying for part of it.
While this example makes sense, it is a large event, and how a caregiver handles it will vary based on the circumstances. But the concept of rewarding responsibility with freedom can be scaled down and simplified as well.
Many caregivers reading this may already do this, but if there is something your teen asks you to buy for them, figure out something they can do to earn it. If they want a ride and some money to see a movie with their friends on the weekend, give them a list of chores to do before that weekend.
Additionally, you can sit down with your teen and let them be a part of the discussion. They can help decide on what is a fair amount of responsibility for the freedom to do or have what they want. This can help a teen feel more engaged and appreciate the freedom even more after negotiating and earning it themselves. This also helps because again, many teens don’t feel understood by their caregivers. If you take the time to hear them out on what they want to do or have and deliver on your promised freedom, I guarantee they will appreciate it.
This idea won’t be the right one for any and every problem you and your teen might face, but I hope that it can be a tool in your toolbox that will help you navigate your role as the caregiver of a teenager. Instilling the ability to take on responsibility is important to many caregivers, and with the concept of “freedom for responsibility” adapted to your circumstances and caregiving style, that is certainly an achievable goal.
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WRITTEN BY BEN KINSEY, LCSW (HE/HIM/HIS)
Ben has worked with children and families in many different contexts: Summer camps, schools, foster care and children's shelters, hospitals, medical clinics, and private therapy. He’s worked with teens, toddlers, and everyone in between. He can tell you one thing for certain: there is no handbook for the challenges and hardship you and your child are facing, both in and outside your relationship with one another. The goal in his room is to give your child the tools to cope with and navigate through any troubles they may be wrestling with, and with the family's support, empower them to use those same tools in the future.
