Love and Limits
I recently came across a parenting article and I love it for so many reasons. It’s The Rise of Accidentally Permissive Parents by Elizabeth Passarella in The Cut. I think it speaks to so many issues caregivers are having… resulting in a difficult reality of not feeling like you’re parenting well. What a hard place to be! I highly recommend the read.
What this article got me thinking about though is how imperative the limits part of the “love and limits” parenting equation really is. Or, as Drs. Karyn Purvis and David Cross, developers of Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) would say, structure and nurture. I’ve also heard it termed as connection and correction. I just always think of that old Married with Children song, “You can’t have one without the other!”
The struggle for me as a mental health professional is that the foundation of the parent child relationship has to be in the love, the nurture, the connection… the relationship. So that’s where we start. What I think can be hard for parents at times is prioritizing the nurture part of the relationship because they are running ragged. And maybe they don’t even like their kid in this particular season. Their priority is to learn how to better apply the limits. But, without those deposits into the parent-child relationship bank, you’re standing on shaky ground when you attempt those limits, structure, and correction. (Read more about Bids for Connection here.) They can turn very quickly into punishments whether they are intended to or not without the foundation of nurture.
I also find that parents see the structure part of parenting as the concrete part. That’s the part they need when things start breaking down. But for kids, it’s the nurture part that is concrete to them! They don’t have the brain development to focus on the logical parts of interactions, they just need to feel seen… and usually, that means they need you to play with them and be empathetic to their feelings.
This is not to say that our parents don’t nurture their kids. Oh my, the amount of care that I see all my parents putting into their kids is unending. In addition to work responsibilities, other family member responsibilities, personal life, etc., parents these days are doing too much. And the article touches on this.
I’ve seen a quote on social media, something along the lines of, “Raise kids like you don’t have a job [outside the house] but work like you don’t have kids.” And don’t get me started on the lack of “village” in our society. Do all these things people used to do with three or four or more aunties around to hold the baby, play annnnnnother game of Uno with the 8-year-old, and proofread the middle schooler’s writing assignment. It’s impossible. No wonder so many parents feel like they’re failing.
I feel like many of us who want to parent from a place of respect spend time building the skills around labeling and reflecting feelings, which is great! But it’s only the first step.
The next steps are “being with” the difficult feelings and getting comfortable with the discomfort of setting (and maintaining!) limits and boundaries. For some people, this is harder work and where, I think, we lack the direction and the practice. Not to mention the stamina required especially after a particularly draining day at work.
(Want to read more? Check out Regulating Nervous Systems in Your Family.)
How to Set (and Maintain!) Limits with Your Kids
Step 1: As I mentioned previously, the first step is to label and reflect your child’s feelings.
Step 2: “Be with” the difficult feelings.
Or, as Drs. Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson describe it in The Whole Brain Child, “being with” the difficult feelings is riding the difficult emotional wave with our kiddos without being swept away by their negative feeling or letting their hard time sweep us away.
This takes reflective work which means more time to spend on the parent-child relationship (but away from the kid). Talk about a time suck. But a very important time suck that will pay off. Sometimes this can be done by yourself or with your partner but often parenting groups or therapy is more helpful. I’m personally a huge fan of parenting groups because you get to hear from others who are going through very similar things and can reflect upon your own thoughts and feelings but also other group members’ responses too.
(Read more about the power of Feeling Reflections here)
Step 3: Get comfortable with the uncomfortable while setting and maintaining limits and boundaries.
The self reflection from step two is very helpful, dare I say critical, for this step. Kids are going to have big feelings. They will tantrum. They will rage. They will probably hit you. Knowing that your kiddo will likely respond with big feelings and behaviors when you enforce a limit because they are impulsive and live in the moment and need a lot of guidance through their feelings and the limits that the world imposes upon them might be helpful in preparing for the storm.
I think of this stage as building skills. Validating the feelings is important but not the end. Accepting the feelings does not give permission for negative behavior. There is a lacking skill when our kids misbehave. They need us to help them learn or remember a skill.
But don’t confuse this meltdown place as a time to teach a new skill. They cannot learn when they are dysregulated.
(Read more about the Science of Regulating a Child here)
But you can still provide short scripts and build upon them in a calmer moment like, “My body is not for hitting” or “I won’t let you hurt your sister so I’m separating you.” Accepting and being with feelings does not equate to condoning or allowing negative behavior. But this is sometimes hard to remember because it takes a strong and calm parent to be with difficult feelings AND enforce limits and safety.
A recent experience with my 19 month old:
Sweet boy was playing with his cars as I sat next to him. Our cat came over to me for some pets. My sweet athlete of a child threw his car directly in my cat’s face. He has incredible aim and force. I actually don’t think he was being mean or even feeling jealous. At this age, I think he was just feeling impulsive and maybe curious about what would happen. My cat ran away. I grabbed my son firmly but not harshly and said “Son! The cat is NOT for hurting. You really hurt her. You cannot throw your cars at her.” And then went to check on our cat. When I returned to my son, I picked up the car he threw at her and said, “We’re done playing with this car,” (and all the cars that are equally as easy to throw).
In this situation I think he understood that he really hurt the cat so at first he just accepted this limit and that felt super easy. And maybe this is where the reels cut off on social media. A few minutes later he saw the cars on the counter and started pointing, asking for the cars. I picked him up (connection) and said, “You see the cars, but we’re all done playing with the cars,” (reminder of the limit set) which is when he started sobbing.
This is where the discomfort pulls at your heart! What’s so wrong with giving the car back? Especially since I’m holding him and the cat is hiding somewhere else? And truthfully, had he not really hurt her, that is probably what I would have done. But in this moment, the skill he was lacking was the understanding that he can really hurt our animals so I knew I had to hold this limit.
So I met this sobbing with, “You are really sad that I took the cars away from you. I would be sad too. But they are not for throwing at our cat and I won’t let you hurt her.” (feeling validation, holding the limit). I kept holding him for comfort but continued going about whatever task I was working on in the kitchen. He continued to cry a bit but I think what was so helpful for him to calm down is he had language to his feelings, he was not alone in his feelings or shamed for his feelings or his actions, but we also moved on and didn’t get stuck in his sadness.
Situations like this will likely continue playing out over the next weeks, months, and years as he experiences new feelings (like jealousy or intense anger) and as his brain develops more complex ways of thinking and being in this world. So he will continue needing guidance, limits and boundaries, to help him learn appropriate behaviors. This same appropriate expectation and lots of other expectations. And I will need to keep holding the limits I set and reflecting upon what is working and not working, what is triggering to me, where I need to ask for help, and where I feel confident in my parenting journey.
So, I will close with a recognition of you, exhausted parent. You really are doing too much and also not enough all at the same time. It’s too much because you’re not supposed to have to do this all alone or just with one co-parent. But when you’re spread so thin you’re probably not able to put enough time and reflection into this very important part of your life… or maybe all the parts of your life. Give yourself the grace you deserve and take it one step at a time. Maybe remember that your kids DO need limits too. So when they’re crying and screaming that it’s not fair, remember that your job is to give them lots of nurture but also in this moment they really do need empathetic structure.
Interested in booking a session with Colleen?
WRITTEN BY COLLEEN TURNER, LCSW (She/Her/Hers)
Colleen Turner is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). Colleen received her Master of Science in Social Work degree from the University of Texas at Austin and her Bachelor of Science in Human Development and Family Studies from the University of Illinois at Urbana/Champaign. Colleen is currently working towards her Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™) credential. Colleen has clinical experience working with children ages zero through elementary school and their families and has worked extensively with children impacted by the child welfare system. Colleen is a Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Educator trained by the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University. Colleen has clinical experience working with children and adolescents, two to 16 years old. Colleen takes a whole-family, attachment-based, and trauma-informed approach to therapy, acknowledging that the family system is the most salient in a child’s life and can also be the source of the most support and healing.
