Aggression in the Playroom
Typically when someone thinks of therapy, images of a calm and quiet waiting room may appear in their mind. Maybe rain sounds are playing, and the office is filled with mid-century modern furniture and earth tones. As you can imagine, play therapy tends to be a bit different. Especially the sounds!
I have lost count of the amount of times I have walked out after a session to be greeted by a caregiver wondering what the ruckus in the playroom was all about. Maybe they hear loud voices, giggles, crashing, banging, and many other sounds that typically make a caregiver think someone is up to no good when heard in their household. However, in the playroom, those sounds are the sounds of a child getting what they need, and my job is to embrace that.
These sounds tend to be associated with something that we call “aggressive” play in our field. Now typically, when we hear the word “aggression,” caregivers get a bit nervous. We are taught from a young age that anger is not an okay emotion to experience and oftentimes want the feeling to go away which leads to it being ignored. However, when we are experiencing any emotion, that is our body's way of communicating to us and when we shut it down, we are missing out on the crucial information that it is trying to tell us. Anger in particular tends to be a more nuanced emotion compared to others. Behind anger are oftentimes feelings of shame, fear, disappointment, lack of control. The list goes on.
Embrace the Aggression
Lisa Dion, the creator of Synergetic Play Therapy, tells us that anger “is a normal biological response that arises when our sense of safety or our ideas about who we think we are, who others are supposed to be, and how we think the world is supposed to operate are compromised.” Children express their aggression either inwardly or outwardly and when we tell a child that their anger is “not okay” we are not only building up shame but we are also taking away the avenue for children to explore what they need to heal. And ironically, when we tell a child they must suppress their anger, they will typically continue to express it outwardly to others.
So what do we do when a child becomes aggressive in the playroom? We embrace it.
By allowing the child to experience their aggression we are giving them an opportunity to fully integrate their experience. Many times, I have seen a caregiver give a side eye to the “aggressive toy” bin that is in the playroom and have been asked by some to take the toys out of the playroom. However, I am apt to remind caregivers that if a child has an appropriate place to express their anger, then they are less likely to act it out outside of the playroom.
Aggression and Regulation
To understand aggression it is imperative to understand the nervous system and our states of arousal. Aggression, or hyperarousal, is typically seen as a symptom of a nervous system that feels threatened or challenged. One of the main tenets of Synergetic Play Therapy states, “The child’s symptoms are understood as symptoms of dysregulated states of the nervous system.” When a child begins to show aggressive behavior, they are attempting to regulate themselves. And it is up to us, as the adults, to guide them through their dysregulation.
Unfortunately, there is nothing more dysregulating for an adult than an aggressive child. But one thing to remember is that children often make us feel the way they are feeling. And the dysregulation that comes up in you is often a reflection of what’s going on inside of them. This is part of the reason why we have to regulate ourselves first before we start to help regulate a child. The goal is not to avoid the feelings but to regulate your way through it. By crawling down to our child’s level and showing them the pathway out of the emotion, we are creating a roadmap for them to follow us out of their emotional state with us.
Using Authentic Expression to be with Your Child in Hard Moments
So how do we show a child how to become more regulated? By being authentically ourselves. In the context of synergetic play therapy, authenticity refers to “being attuned to the child and ourselves so that we can have an authentic reaction in response to a child.” Children are constantly looking to see if we can both hold the intensity of their emotion and if we are acting. Oftentimes, if our reactions do not feel real to a child, their behaviors will ramp up even more until they get the desired reaction from you.
When we are being authentic with a child, we are allowing them to feel attuned to our nervous system and become an external regulator for them. We are allowed to tell children that we feel scared or overwhelmed. Acknowledging what’s happening in this space and modeling how to move and breathe through it is the lifeline that they need to get themselves out of the feeling.
Setting Boundaries
Now, does embracing aggression mean that there shouldn't be boundaries in place? Of course not. While it’s important that we do not shut down a child's need to express what they are trying to express, limits allow us to stay present with the child and keep us from leaving our own window of tolerance. All of us have different levels of what we are willing to put up with and this can even change from day to day. Our own personal history is another factor that may change what things we see as allowable and what we don’t.
When setting a limit, it’s important to stay present. We can acknowledge what the child is feeling and redirect them to show that feeling another way. I think of the all too common situation I hear from caregivers who are getting hit by their child. We can acknowledge the feeling by stating we see their anger and frustration. And we set the limit by asking them to show us their anger another way. If you are curious about reading more on how to set limits with your child, check out our recent blog, “Love and Limits” written by Colleen Turner.
Aggression is uncomfortable for all of us. It’s an ongoing journey filled with regulation and dysregulation. Sometimes, we will get it right, and oftentimes we will get it wrong. However, being a caregiver means that your relationship will be filled with moments of rupture and repair. As Lisa Dion reminds us, when it comes to aggression all we need to do is just be ourselves and remember to breathe. So, get curious about your own relationship with anger, trust yourself and your body, and just be.
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WRITTEN BY SARAH KELTON, MEd, LPC Associate, RYT200 (She/Her/Hers)
Sarah Kelton (she/her/hers) is a Licensed Professional Counseling Associate (LPC-A) supervised by Jaclyn N. Sepp, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S™, NCC, RYT200 and Sheila Wessels, MEd, LPC-S, RPT-S™. Sarah earned her bachelors degree in Applied Learning and Development and her master's degree in Counselor Education from the University of Texas at Austin. Sarah is currently working towards her Registered Play Therapist (RPT) credential.
