Let’s Talk About Progress
Progress is irregular and messy. Progress is not immediate or easy or fun or perfect. It does not demand our validation. It is not always expected, and we must keep a record of its rise and fall. It doesn’t rejoice in mistakes, but rejoices in the little wins. Progress never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures in every circumstance.
Most of the time, therapeutic progress does not look the way we think it should. It comes naturally for us to notice mistakes, and to critique and berate ourselves for these mistakes. Conversely, noticing improvement in our lives, behaviors, thoughts and other patterns is (for some reason) completely unnatural and requires much deliberate effort on our part. I would even call it a skill to be able to recognize progress in one’s life; the purpose of this blog is to hone that skill, so you can recognize progress in yourself or your child.
This time of year is a time of reflection for most people. When the year is ending, we all seem to naturally think on the year we had and make plans for the coming year. Let’s lean in! If you feel like it, you can join me in a little thought exercise.
@janine_shepherd
Think of something that you used to do that didn’t serve you at the time; a thought pattern, a recurring behavior–anything that you felt held you back at one point in your life. Alternatively, you can think of a skill that you have now that you didn’t have before.
Compare that moment to now. How is it going? Is that pattern completely gone? Is it less severe or frequent than it used to be? If you thought about a skill, how have you gotten better at it since then?
If there has been any improvement at all, rejoice! Even if this pattern still affects you negatively, perhaps its not as bad as it used to be. If you’re still not as good at a skill as you’d like to be, knowing that you have improved empowers you to believe that you can keep improving.
How did that feel? If it felt strange, you’re not alone. Again, the process of recognizing progress is weird and unnatural. We live in a society that brutally emphasizes mistakes and idealizes perfection; we’re convinced that if you make a mistake then make it again, no progress has been made, but that’s not the case at all. It’s all about the pattern!
For example, for my first few years of driving, I got a speeding ticket every year, once a year. My wife and I were tired of lighting money on fire because of my speeding habit, so I took measures to try not to speed. I didn’t get a speeding ticket for 3 more years. I was disappointed and upset when I did get one, but looking back on it, that was progress! Of course I would prefer to never get a ticket again (perfectionism), but if we look at it through the lens of improvement, progress was made–progress that can be built upon.
Now, I’m not advocating for everyone to ignore their mistakes or setbacks. They’re an important data point in the tracking of progress; we need to know if improvement is happening or if we need to change our approach. What I will advocate for is the removal of judgement in this process. It’s not easy by any means to remove judgement from the appraisal of our progress, but it’s something we must work at. This is only because the berating judgement we pass on ourselves doesn’t serve us. If we remove judgement and give ourselves grace, we can more easily get to the place where we can think of what we can change to improve. Giving grace when appraising progress is absolutely crucial; it is the acknowledgement that we’re doing our best at this moment, and we can still adjust and move forward. With grace, we can fill ourselves with determination to make the changes that will ultimately improve our lives.
Because this is a blog for Ensemble Therapy patrons, I would be remiss not to include a passage about how to appraise and encourage your child’s therapeutic progress as well. Many clinical practices use the general markers of functioning to determine progress; things like grades, activities of daily living, and completion of chores. If a child is going to therapy for a behavioral issue, we would call any decrease in frequency or severity of that behavior progress. But we must observe our child closely for signs of progress, especially if they are going to therapy to manage depression or anxiety. In these instances, we may not see progress in the way we’re expecting to. Often I’ll say to families something like “no child will look you in the eye and say ‘when _____ happens I feel anxious, and I’m going to look at ways to cope with that.’” Because of that, we must try to look at progress differently. Here’s a list of do’s and don’ts to think about in the context of your child’s progress:
Do:
Notice actions, not just words: again, most children won’t tell you when they try a new coping strategy; they may not even understand what they’re doing themselves. But try to catch them trying something new to overcome a challenge, and point it out to them in an encouraging way. For example “When you were really frustrated about your homework you took a shower and it seemed like you felt better after that!” even if they tell you you’re wrong, you get them thinking about it which is a win
Give opportunities for growth– This one might be obvious to some parents, but when you’re trying to help a child learn a new skill or behavior, do what you can to generate opportunities for them to flex those skill muscles. After all, how do you get better at anything? You practice of course!
Point out improvement– Any time you see improvement in anything your child does its good to point it out–not just the result of the improvement, but the improvement itself. Something along the lines of “you used to have a lot of trouble with _____, but now you do that no problem. I know you can figure this out.” Incidentally this is a great way to encourage a growth mindset in your child.
Don’t
Think progress hasn’t been made just because the end goal hasn’t been met– Just because your child hasn’t reached the goal youve set for them doesn’t mean no progress has been made. Maybe your child doesn’t have a core group of friends, but now he has one good friend instead of zero. That is still progress! If you reprimand a child because their progress doesn’t look like what you think it should, say goodbye to that child’s motivation to grow.
Think your child will transform into a different child–Think about what traits your child has always had. You can expect those traits to look and be expressed differently, but don’t think they will vanish altogether to be replaced with completely different traits. I’m a big believer in people changing how they are, not who they are. Many of you may already know, but It’s important to be accepting of who your child is at their core, and progress is moving toward the best, brightest version of that person.
Overall, I hope this blog has started a re-examination of the idea of progress. It’s a very unnatural way of being to think in terms of growth and not perfectionism. The human race has the skill of noticing mistakes down pat. But recognizing and celebrating progress? It’s a very deliberate skill; one that must be practiced! So just as we try to be kind to others all year and not just during the holidays, let’s be kind to ourselves by recognizing and celebrating our progress as humans all year as well. Merry Everything, everyone!
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WRITTEN BY Ben Kinsey (LCSW)
I have worked with children and families in many different contexts: Summer camps, schools, foster care and children's shelters, hospitals, medical clinics, and private therapy. I've worked with teens, toddlers, and everyone in between. I can tell you one thing for certain: there is no handbook for the challenges and hardship you and your child are facing, both in and outside your relationship with one another. The goal in my room is to give your child the tools to cope with and navigate through any troubles they may be wrestling with, and with the family's support, empower them to use those same tools in the future.
