Breaking the Silence: Navigating Shame and Judgment as a Caregiver
Caregiving is an act of love, strength, and dedication — but it can come with its fair share of shame and judgment. Whether it’s from unsolicited advice, societal expectations, or personal doubts, these feelings can weigh heavily and leave you wondering if you’re doing enough or doing it “right.”
You’re not alone in this.
Let’s explore why these feelings come up, how judgment can affect your journey, and what you can do to find clarity and peace.
The Pressure of Unwanted Advice
When you’re a caregiver, it can feel like advice is coming from all directions — family members, friends, and even strangers. While well-intentioned, it can quickly become overwhelming and leave you feeling judged or insecure. You may hear things like:
“You should try this.”
“Have you thought about this approach?”
“This is the right way to handle this situation.”
These words, even if well-meaning, can make you question yourself and your choices. The reality is, no one knows your child like you do. You are the expert on their needs, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Unwanted advice can make shame creep in — the kind that makes you feel like you’re always falling short or making the wrong decisions. In trying to follow advice from others, you may find yourself abandoning your own values, desires, and sense of self, conforming to someone else's vision of who you should be rather than staying true to your own identity and parenting instincts. And when you’re constantly trying to balance advice from every angle, it can leave you feeling lost and alone.
Where Does This Shame Come From?
Shame isn’t random. Often, it stems from unspoken expectations — either your own or those passed down through family patterns. Sometimes these expectations are rooted in intergenerational trauma — fears, doubts, and patterns that have been inherited from previous generations.
These patterns may not even be yours, but they show up in caregiving. They can make you feel stuck in cycles of worry or doubt, afraid of making the wrong choice because you’re carrying the weight of expectations that have nothing to do with your current reality.
Breaking free from this isn’t about erasing your history; it’s about learning to separate your story from patterns that no longer serve you. Understanding this can give you the freedom to find your own path without judgment. Books like “It Didn’t Start with You” or “Walking On Eggshells” dive into these patterns and provide helpful tools for letting them go.
How to Release the Shame and Noise
The good news? You don’t have to let judgment and shame define your journey. Here are a few simple ways to start:
Trust Your Gut: You know your child better than anyone. Filter advice through your intuition and ask yourself: Does this work for us?
Set Boundaries: It’s okay to step back from advice or conversations that leave you feeling judged or overwhelmed. Protect your mental space.
Focus on Progress, Not Perfection: There’s no perfect path in caregiving. Progress is enough. Every choice you make is an act of love.
Lean Into Support: You don’t have to do this alone. Find a community of caregivers who can validate your experience and offer encouragement.
Give Yourself Grace: You’re learning as you go. Be kind to yourself — you’re doing your best.
Prioritize You
When the noise around you feels overwhelming, it’s essential to take moments to tune into yourself. As a caregiver, you can’t pour from an empty cup—prioritizing your well-being helps you show up with clarity and strength.
These moments of self-care are also a chance to reconnect with your values and consider how you want them to shape your parenting. By caring for yourself, you model balance and self-respect for your children, reinforcing the love and intention you bring to your family.
For practical strategies, visit our Self Care for the Caregiver blog and discover ways to create space for yourself, even in the busiest moments.
You Are Enough
You are. Even on the hardest days, when judgment feels loud or shame feels heavy, you are enough. You are showing up for your child with love and strength, and that is more than enough.
Breathe. You’ve got this. Your journey is unique to you, and you’re learning, adapting, and growing — one step at a time.
Remember, your intent in your actions, presence, and responses is what matters most. Let your child feel: 'I am here—I hear you—I understand—I care—I delight in you!' These 'Be-With' attitudes create a foundation of connection and trust that speaks louder than perfection ever could.
You are doing beautifully. Keep going.
Recommended Reading to Explore This Journey Further:
Walking on Eggshells by Jane Isay — A gentle exploration of judgment and navigating difficult relationships.
It Didn’t Start with You by Mark Wolynn— A guide to exploring inherited patterns and breaking cycles.
They Say by Lauren Jumukovski— A compassionate and insightful take on advice, expectations, and parenting.
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WRITTEN BY Sarah Kelton, LPC-Associate
Sarah Kelton (she/her/hers) is a Licensed Professional Counseling Associate (LPC-A) supervised by Jaclyn N. Sepp, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S™, NCC, RYT®200, and Sheila Wessels, MEd, LPC-S, RPT-S™. Sarah earned her bachelor's degree in Applied Learning and Development and her master's degree in Counselor Education from the University of Texas at Austin. She is currently working toward her Registered Play Therapist (RPT) credential.
