Helpful Tips for Talking to Your Child About Their Autism
As a former educator, school counselor, and now a children’s therpaist, I have heard many stories about the various ways that children first come to learn about their autism diagnosis. Some stories are filled with love, compassion, support, and validation. Other stories are absolutely heartbreaking and traumatic. Imagine being a child or a teen and coming to an awareness of your autism alone, or through peer interactions, social media, television, or internet searches.
When children are not told about their autism diagnosis by a trusted adult. They may come to their own conclusions or create a negative belief about self which can increase feelings of confusion, self doubt, depression, or anxiety (Woods, 2023).
Children should never have to learn about their autism identity without the care and support of a trusted parent or guardian. It must be said, however, that not every parent or guardian knows where to start as it is a difficult conversation to have.
For many parents, the desire to support their autistic child is there, they just need a little guidance on how to talk with their child about their autism identity. In this blog, I’ll provide you with some tips and strategies on how to begin the important task of explaining autism to your child in a sensitive and loving manner.
START EARLY AND DON’T STOP.
It is best to start talking to your child about their autism as early as possible. When you are the first one to talk to your child about their autism, you can frame it in a positive light. You get to show your child that you intend to play a loving, supportive, compassionate role in helping them discover more about their autistic identity.
Make autism a natural part of daily conversations. Try not to overload your child with too much information all at once -that can be overwhelming for your child. Present information to your child casually, frequently, and in digestible bits. Your goal is to foster understanding, curiosity, discovery, and self-acceptance in your child.
Establish a few ongoing themes in your daily conversations:
Exploring and celebrating neurodiversity
Dispelling misconceptions, and
Identifying strengths.
Get creative with the ways you help your child explore their autism. Make some arts and crafts focused on neurodiversity. Review kid-friendly videos on autism from PBS Kids, or check out age-appropriate books about inclusion, autism, and neurodiversity. You can find book lists on websites such as Ensemble Therapy as well as resources for tweens and teens on the Autistic Self Advocacy Network or Neuroclastic (Woods, 2023).
USE AGE-APPROPRIATE LANGUAGE.
While the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual 5th Edition (the book that mental health professionals use to make diagnoses) and other medical sites like the Mayo Clinic present thorough clinical explanations, try to use language that is appropriate for your child’s developmental level. Older children might be able to handle the complex concepts mentioned in the resources above but younger children may need a simpler explanation.
For example:
Younger children: “Autism can cause the brain to work a little differently. It’s like having a special superpower that helps you to see and understand the world in amazing and unique ways.”
Older children: “Autism is a form of neurodiversity. It might affect how a person thinks, feels, and socializes with the world around them. Your brain operates in a way that creates some challenges in certain areas but it also brings incredible strengths in others.”
EDUCATE YOURSELF!
Spend some time learning more about autism and neurodiversity. Consider reading or listening to positive audiobooks about autism like “Uniquely Human: A Different Way of Seeing Autism” by Barry Prizant, Ph.D.
Check out websites like Neuroclastic or the Autistic Self Advocacy Network, which are designed to amplify the voices and perspectives of autistic adults who wish to share their lived experience, educate, and promote community and self-advocacy. The journey of educating yourself about autism will be a lifelong journey, but ultimately you become a stronger guide and advocate for your autistic child.
ASK THEM WHAT THEY KNOW.
Children are smart and observant. Your child might already know more about autism and neurodiversity than you do! That doesn’t mean they have accurate information.
There are many myths and antiquated beliefs about autism and it is your job to debunk them in a way that is supportive. Let your child know that the adventure of learning about their autism identity will be lifelong and that you will be there with them, every step of the way. If you are working hard to help your child feel safe and heard, then hopefully they will want to continue to share new self-discoveries with you even into adulthood
CREATE A SAFE SPACE FOR YOUR CHILD TO ASK QUESTIONS
Validate your child’s concerns and do your best to answer their questions to the best of your ability. If you don’t know how to answer, try responding with, “I don’t know, but let’s figure it out together!”
Keep engaging your curious minds as a family and your child will feel more comfortable asking questions. Do the research, talk with autistic adults and community members, listen to related podcasts, read educational books and articles, and have discussions with clinical or mental health professionals (Woods, 2023). Allow your desire to learn about autism create an open invitation for your child to learn along with you.
PRACTICE A STRENGTHS-BASED ATTITUDE.
There are so many positive things that come with being autistic. Adopt a strengths-based attitude and help your autistic child build one too.
Make your child’s strengths another topic of daily discussion. Together with your child, create a list of their strengths, put it on their bedroom door, and add new strengths every day. Use Statements of Encouragement to build self-esteem and to let your child know that you see them for who they are. Use The 24 Character Strengths with your child and allow them to pick out strengths that apply to them.
Celebrate your child’s strengths and help them understand that everyone has strengths that manifest differently. For example:
Resilience: Many autistic people face significant challenges in life, but their resilience in coping with these challenges can be amazing.
Nonconformity: Many autistic people have a unique perspective on the world around them and may not be so easily influenced by societal norms and expectations.
Creativity: Creative thinking and a unique perspective are strengths that many autistic people possess. Creativity can be expressed through various forms of art, music, academia, and innovation.
Honesty: Many autistic individuals practice open honesty and straightforwardness. This quality can foster trust and transparency in personal and social relationships.
Logical Thinking: Some autistic individuals often display strong logical thinking skills, which can come in handy with problem-solving and analytical tasks.
VALIDATE THE CHALLENGES THAT THEY ARE HAVING.
Maybe your autistic child has already started asking why some tasks are more difficult for them than for others. Explain that many autistic people have struggled with similar issues and with hard work, they learned helpful strategies to make life a little easier.
You and your child can learn more from resources like books such as “Uniquely Wired” by Julia Cook, and "The Girl Who Thought in Pictures: The Story of Dr. Temple Grandin" by Julia Finley Mosca or search for websites created by advocates and autistic people who choose to share stories from their personal experiences.
EXPLAIN THAT NO TWO AUTISTICS ARE EXACTLY ALIKE.
Dr. Steven Shore once said, “When you meet one person with Autism, you have met one person with Autism.” Keep this message in mind! Autism is a spectrum that manifests uniquely in each person.
Use books like “Autistic Legends, Alphabet Book” by Beck Feiner, to aid your child in exploring the diverse characteristics, strengths, and challenges of famous autistic individuals.
ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO TAKE CONTROL.
Communicate the message that your child’s autism is nothing to be ashamed of. Let your child know that only they get to decide how they identify, who gets to know, and when they get to know. To build an effective support system for your child, it is usually important for teachers, therapists, and doctors to know if your child is autistic but when it comes to everyone else, give your child the control over communicating with others about their autism.
FIND ROLE MODELS WHO ARE AUTISTIC.
This might take time and effort if you want to find autistic role models in the community or online but it will be worth the hard work.
Here are a few recommendations for getting started:
Check out the plethora of classes and groups on Outschool. You can find a class called “What is Autism” with Gabrielle Hughes (Woods, 2023) or you can sign up for social skills groups for autistic children, tweens, and teens.
Check out Facebook groups for autistic individuals and advocates.
Participate in PMAC mentorship programs, Greenleaf NCC, or NeuroBats of ACCess Autism (for students of Austin Community College).
Read or listen to autistic people’s stories and dive into the lives of famous autistic people such as:
Greta Thundberg - environmental activist
Hannah Gadsby- comedian
Tim Burton - film director
Barbara McClintock - scientist
Satoshi Tajiri - Pokemon creator
Joe Barksdale - former NFL player
THEY’RE CALLED PASSIONS, AND THEY ARE AMAZING.
Does your autistic child have something that they are really passionate about? Do they love, love, love dinosaurs? Do they eat, sleep, breathe Spider-Man? Is your child more into comics, science, Legos, music, or horses? Find ways to support their passions!
For many autistic children, their passions are an important part of who they are. Let your child know that their special interests are another wonderful part of what makes them unique.
ENCOURAGE SELF-EMPOWERMENT.
If it isn’t all too clear, this world was not designed for people who are considered to be “other.” Even though works of education, advocacy, and activism are working to change that dynamic, your autistic child may still experience significant struggles in certain aspects of life. It is important that you teach your child about bias, how to stand up for themselves, and advocate for their needs.
As your child grows, help them learn how to become a self-advocate and connect them to community resources that can help boost their self-confidence and strengthen their ability to challenge societal myths about autism.
“When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower”
- Alexander Den Heijer.
Remember, this conversation is just the beginning. It's an opportunity to build understanding, acceptance, and a celebration of diversity in your autistic child. By helping your child embrace their unique autistic identity, you are encouraging them to become empowered, empathetic individuals who will contribute to the development of a more inclusive and compassionate society.
Note: You know your child best so feel free to adapt this message to suit your child's age and developmental stage. Please review the resources and children’s book recommendations mentioned in the article to determine the appropriate fit for your child’s needs.
References:
Woods, S. (2023, April 17). 13 tips for talking to your child about their autism. ParentMap.
