Embracing Playtime: Deepen Connection as the Primary Caregiver
Does this happen in your house?
When the caregiver who works more outside of the home – the one who doesn’t typically pick up from school, the one who still goes to work even when the kids are sick – comes home from work and the kids run to them, play with them, seem to have really sweet connected time with them? But then you’re the one enforcing all the tough transitions. Time to finish playing and eat, or do homework, or get in the bath, or whatever less preferred activity is necessary.
Welcome to the primary caregiver club!
In our stereotypically gendered homes, this means dad gets fun playtime and mom is the enforcer of transitions, rules, and boundaries though even families who don’t have stereotypical gender roles often still experience the primary and secondary caregiver dynamics.
I’ve been reflecting a lot on this as I watch my own son excitedly run to dad when he gets home but when I get home he barely bats an eye. At first, I told myself that is because I am the constant, the one home with him all day, and that dad is more novel. And I still think that is a big factor. But one thing I’ve noticed recently is how my son is often just along for the ride with me. He’s playing while I cook…and clean, and then cook again and clean again. Oh how frequently a toddler needs to eat!
He goes grocery shopping with me and folds laundry with me. He toddles around and explores our house and the contents of all our cabinets while I get things done. Some days, I realize we had so many tasks to do that we didn’t even really get to play together…. AND I’M A PLAY THERAPIST!!
Conversely, though my husband works outside of the house and is not home nearly as much as I am, he is able to turn off work once he does get home. So, when he comes home he’s so excited to play with our son and they play together… while I finish preparing yet another meal! My husband is not home for much of my son’s waking hours but once he does get home he is able to give his undivided attention and really see and appreciate my son and what is new in his world for 10-30 minutes at the end of the day.
This reflection has mirrored feedback we hear at Ensemble regularly.
Why does the secondary caregiver have a better relationship with the kiddo(s) when it’s the primary caregiver who is doing all the hard stuff?
In my experience, it’s been because much of my time with my kiddo I see as a job. It’s my job to feed him, bathe him, get him out of the house, fold the laundry, wash the dishes, did I mention feed him? And keep him safe. Sometimes I get hoodwinked into thinking that it’s a perk or a bonus to play with my kiddo. After all the “important” stuff is done. And I know other primary caregivers can relate… right?
This is when I have to therapize myself. What would I tell me if I were coming to me for support with my kiddo?
First off I would say you are doing the best you can, give yourself some slack and a hand. This job is haaaard, thankless, and UNPAID. But secondly I would hone in on those “important” tasks. Yes of course feeding the children and keeping them safe/alive is very important. But so is entering their world.
The world is so very new to our little ones, so very complex to our growing ones, and it can be so very unfair and unkind to our older ones.
Joining in their play not only gives you a window into their world from their perspective, it is also a protective factor, buffering them from the outside world. But play shouldn’t be one of the tasks on your checklist either. It should be fun, not forced.
Luckily, for me, once I stop taking myself so seriously, I can slow down and play with my son. I find joy in his joy and I love playing with and chasing him and watching him learn how to manipulate the world around him. It feels comfortable to me.
For caregivers who might not find play as effortless as I do, there are lots of interventions that can help give you some tools for following your kiddo’s lead. Some include Child Parent Relational Therapy (check out our upcoming groups here), family therapy, and even some of our previous blogs, such as Using Play to Strengthen the Child-Caregiver Relationship. In most cases, it can be as simple as asking, “Can I play with you?” (PS: this question is a bid for connection- learn more about that here!) Kids LOVE to assign adults things to role play, build, draw, etc. And what a magical question for them to hear. But it’s not just directing you in play that kids crave so much. It’s also the joy they experience in sharing what is important to them and feeling like you share that joy, like you care about what they care about, like they get to teach or show you something instead of the other way around. Teens also benefit from this desire to share in their interests (learn more about connecting with your teen here.)
If the play gets boring (just being honest here!) try to remind yourself some of the benefits of connected, engaged, and joyful time together (this is detailed further in another blog here):
By filling their cup up with play, it will be easier to get them to do all the transitions you have to shuffle them through in a day (which takes away from their cup).
Seeking appropriate power and control in relationships is a developmental task for a lonnnnnnng time. Being able to have appropriate levels of power and control over you in play gives kids a positive experience in this without tipping the balance that is important for your kiddo to feel safe that you can protect them and are in charge.
You are building resilience and building that buffer between your kiddo and the rest of the not-always-so-nice world.
If you can set the “but there are a million and one things that need to get done!!” thought aside just for 15 minutes and actually play, then your stress in that moment, as well as over the longer term, will decrease.
You’re a human, too. You need connection, too, and who better to feel connected with than the little human you have the privilege and responsibility of raising!
So the advice I have for myself – and you – is to go forth! Stop taking yourself and your tasks so seriously all the time and play more with your kid! There will always be a task or three or ten that do not get done anyway. Don’t let connecting with your kid be the thing that is repeatedly neglected. I think there is a lot of value in completing tasks with kids (which is why I continue to do chores and errands with my kiddo) but they shouldn’t be the only thing that fills the days. When our children look back at their childhoods we want them to have a healthy mix of memories. Of being a helpful and contributing member of the family, of feeling comforted and nurtured in difficult times, and of sharing unscripted and authentic joy on a regular basis.
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WRITTEN BY COLLEEN TURNER, LCSW (SHE/HER/HERS)
Colleen Turner is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). Colleen received her Master of Science in Social Work degree from the University of Texas at Austin and her Bachelor of Science in Human Development and Family Studies from the University of Illinois at Urbana/Champaign. Colleen is currently working towards her Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™) credential. Colleen has clinical experience working with children ages zero through elementary school and their families and has worked extensively with children impacted by the child welfare system. Colleen is a Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Educator trained by the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University.
