Advanced Limit Setting
Now you’ve learned the ACT method of limit setting (Landreth, 2012) and you may find yourself asking - what do I do if my child won’t make a choice? That’s called advanced limit setting. Let’s get into it!
First a quick refresh on ACT limit setting.
SITUATION #1
You're about to leave for school and your child needs to wear their shoes, but they are watching TV.
STEP 1
Acknowledge the feeling: “You’re having so much fun watching Paw Patrol!”
STEP 2
Communicate the limits: “But it’s about to be time to get to school so I need you to put on your shoes.”
STEP 3
Target the alternatives: “You can choose to put on your shoes in three minutes or five minutes, which one do you choose?”
STEP 4
If your child does not make a choice, restate the limit here while sticking to your original options. “You can choose to put on your shoes in three minutes or five minutes, which one do you choose?”
You’re probably going to sound a bit like a broken record at first. That’s okay! Your child is learning new skills including self-control and responsibility in these moments (Landreth, 2012). Learning takes time!
STEP 5
If your child continues to not make a choice, it’s time to start emphasizing the power of their choices. This looks something like, “If you continue to choose to not make a choice, then you’re choosing to get to school late.” With this statement, you are actively demonstrating that your child’s choices have natural consequences. Natural consequences can be powerful for building skills in children.
Sometimes a natural consequence is not possible. In these cases, you may be creating a consequence for your child’s behavior. For example, “If you continue to choose not to make a choice, then you are choosing to not stop for donuts on the way to school this morning.” The closer a consequence is tied to the time of limit setting, the more effective that consequence will be, especially for younger kids. For older kids, you may be able to say something like “If you continue to choose not to make a choice, then you are choosing to wake up earlier tomorrow morning.”
Let’s take a look at our other example.
SITUATION #2
Your child is painting. The painting doesn’t turn out the way they wanted it to. They start to swing the paintbrush around and the paint starts to fly.
STEP 1
Acknowledge the feeling: “You’re disappointed your painting didn’t turn out how you wanted it to.”
STEP 2
Communicate the limits: “But the paint can only go on the paper.”
STEP 3
Target the alternatives: “You can choose to start your painting on a new piece of paper or you can choose to keep working on this one.”
STEP 4
Restate the limit: “You can choose to start your painting on a new piece of paper or you can choose to keep working on this one.”
STEP 5
Emphasis their choice and the consequences: “If you choose not to stop flinging the paint around, you are choosing to play with the paint outside.”
OR
“If you choose not to stop flinging the paint around, you are choosing to stop playing with paint today.”
Remember, oftentimes, a limit will have to be repeated over time. If you absolutely need to use advanced limit setting with your child, the number one rule is you must follow through with the consequence. You want to make sure the consequences you state can fit into your day and that you are prepared to meet emotional reactions from your child.
Consequences can be tough, however, they are a necessary part of life and learning. If you have questions about advanced limit setting at home, I recommend reaching out to your child’s therapist for guidance.
References:
Landreth, G. L. (2012). Play therapy: The art of the relationship. New York, NY: Routledge/Taylor & Francis Group
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WRITTEN BY KAYLYN EVANS, MA, LPC , RPT™, NCC (SHE/HER/HERS)
Kaylyn Evans is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate (LPC) and Nationally Certified Counselor (NCC). She earned her Bachelor’s Degree at Southwestern University in Biology and Psychology and her Master’s Degree in Professional Counseling at Texas State University. Kaylyn’s goal is to provide trauma-informed, attachment-based, anti-racist, and LGBTQIA+ affirming counseling at all times. Kaylyn has experience working with children, adolescents, and families in a variety of settings including elementary school and community agencies.
