Embracing the Holiday Season
During the holiday season, we often find that children have more difficulty with emotional regulation. Excitement is abundant and routine falls to the wayside: two things that shrink the level of tolerance children have for dysregulating stimuli.
On top of that, the adults that surround them likely have a lower level of tolerance for dysregulation since many feelings can come up for adults during the holidays as well: stress, excitement, nervousness, fatigue, joy, grief. So let’s talk about ways to prevent and manage dysregulation and answer some other frequently asked questions during the holidays.
How can I prevent overstimulation?
Communicate changes in your schedule to set realistic expectations.
During the holidays, children rarely have the same routine as they usually do. Prepare them for these changes so they aren’t caught off guard. Giving them a heads-up will reduce overstimulation. Using a visual calendar helps many children keep track of what is going to happen and when it will happen.
Maintain healthy habits.
This time of year often coincides with later bedtimes and a different variety of foods and we know that when kids are tired and hungry, they’re more likely to become dysregulated. (Learn more in our blogs on Sugar and Your Child’s Health and Sleep: How to Support Your Child with Getting Quality Rest.) Make sure your child is still keeping up with their same bedtime routine and eating the food necessary to keep them nourished.
Be flexible and give choices.
Whatever your holiday plans are, be flexible with them! Be prepared with alternatives if a plan becomes overwhelming for your child. Give your child choices when possible. Giving them a sense of control helps them to stay regulated.
Plan for some downtime.
Scheduling rest time or time where your child can play what they want to play (free play time) helps to prevent overstimulation. When they have weeks off from school, it can be guilt-inducing to let them do “nothing” but it is actually beneficial for their mental health. Check out information here to learn more about the mental health benefits of free play time.
Teach them how to take breaks.
Before the holidays, teach your child how to ask for a break. Then when they ask for a break, make sure to actually give them the space they need instead of trying to stretch their window of tolerance. During the break, you can offer calming toys or a mindfulness activity. We also suggest Cool Down Kits.
Model these behaviors.
Children learn really well from observation! We just need to remember to only model in child-appropriate scenarios. For example, we don’t want to model anxiety about finances. Rather, you may model frustration by stating traffic makes you angry and what you do to cope with that anger. You can also learn more about modeling mindfulness here.
How should I respond if my child does become dysregulated?
Remember that becoming dysregulated is a normal part of child development, so when we’re preventing overstimulation, we should be aware that it will reduce dysregulation, but won’t eliminate it. Also, remember that children aren’t able to self-regulate 100% of the time. We see in this chart how often we should expect children to be able to self-regulate versus how often they need co-regulation (having an adult help them to regulate).
Now as for how to actually respond: there is science behind regulating a child. The linked blog goes into a lot more detail, but we want to follow the 3 R’s: regulate, relate, reason.
First, we want to physically regulate the child. That’s a time when a Cool Down Kit can be helpful. We want to cool down their nervous system.
The next step is to relate. We want to build a connection with the child at that moment. This is a time when the reflecting feelings technique is useful.
Then at a later point, we want to circle back to the situation to reason about it. Later in the day or week, bring the situation up to your child to discuss it. We save reasoning for later because when a child is dysregulated, they are unable to access the part of their brain that is able to reason.
How can I set boundaries with relatives?
Healthy boundaries lead to healthy relationships, but setting them can be challenging and uncomfortable with family members when we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings, especially during the holiday season.
The first thing you must remember is to value yourself and give yourself permission to do what’s best for you. You can do this by knowing and anticipating your triggers. It is possible to make a stressful situation less stressful by being prepared. Make a list of your needs and boundaries ahead of time so that you can be specific about them. Here are some examples of boundary phrases:
“I appreciate your generosity, but we’re trying to be purposeful about the toys we give our kids, so please pick out a gift from their list if you’re going to pick one out.”
“You don’t have to agree with me that soda is bad, but I can’t have you watch my kids if you’re going to offer it to them.”
If someone says, “Loosen up about their schedule! It’s the holidays.” You might say, “We need to leave by 6 to make it home for their bedtime routine. We’ll have to miss dinner if it isn’t ready by then.”
“We’d love to visit you another time, but if uncle can’t agree to stop cursing around the kids, we can’t visit while he’s there.”
“I appreciate your perspective, but we have our own rules about screen time that work for our family.”
If someone says, “He needs real discipline.” You might say, “I choose to parent based on research. I know what’s best for my child.”
Finally, here’s a phrase that can work in many situations: “I’ll handle this. Thank you for trying to help though.”
Just as you prepare your child for changes in their schedule, you might prepare yourself to set boundaries by considering the issues that often come up in your family and how you want to respond. It also helps to plan the coping strategies you’ll use if you become overwhelmed and frustrated.
What toys do you recommend as gifts?
Open-ended toys! The details of these toys can be found in our blog Benefits of Open-Ended Toys.
Our family celebrates Christmas. What are your thoughts on Santa?
Many caregivers find themselves using phrases like, “Santa is watching. You better be good,” or, “Santa is going to put you on the naughty list.” These phrases can be harmful because the language we use with and around children is the language that becomes used by their inner voice so calling them things like bad or naughty can be harmful to their self-esteem because they take those words and then they’re used by their inner voice and it gets repeated to themselves. (Your inner monologue plays a big role in your beliefs about yourself.)
We also want to be careful about phrases like, “If you’re naughty, you’ll get coal for Christmas,” because it’s usually an empty threat and the concept of good is vague, especially for children. Santa doesn’t need to be the motivator for positive behavior. Instead, keep using the same parenting techniques you use throughout the rest of the year. You may use things like natural and logical consequences or encouragement.
What other tips do you have to make the holidays less stressful?
First, prioritize family time! Spending time together as a family can help to improve the parent-child relationship which has many mental health benefits.
Make sure you’re practicing self-care. I recommend reading our blogs on what self-care really is and self-care that is for both you and your child to dive deeper into this topic.
Take time to consider your family’s routines and any changes you want to make to them as we enter the new year. You can read our blog on starting off the new year right with routines to learn more.
This holiday season, I want to remind you to focus on the meaning of the holidays for your family, whether that is celebrating a religious holiday, emphasizing giving back to the community, or practicing kindness and empathy. Happy Holidays!
Interested in booking a session with Rachel?
WRITTEN BY RACHEL ESPARZA, LPC-ASSOCIATE, (SHE/HER/HERS)
Rachel Esparza is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate supervised by Jaclyn N. Sepp, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S™, NCC, RYT® 200. Rachel is also working towards her Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™) credential. At Texas State University, Rachel earned her Master’s degree in Professional Counseling (CACREP Accredited Program) and her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. She has experience working with children, adolescents, young adults, and families in community counseling settings.
