"Masked" Grief
As we begin to settle into the new school year, I often find myself wondering how it's been almost two years since the start of the pandemic.
In some ways, it feels like it's been an eternity whereas other days it seems as though it was just yesterday when the world came to a stop. And while more recently things are starting to feel like the “new normal,” and I feel like I’m able to navigate the world as I once did, I can’t help but acknowledge the universal grief that is all around us. Grief both in death and in the loss of what once was.
All the while, right there alongside us, children have been forced to try to navigate a changing world, adjusting to uncertainty regarding school, loss of routine, missed relationships, COVID testing, mask policies—oh, and speaking of, having to also navigate the passionate battle and tensions surrounding each of these topics.
And although grief has always been a universal experience, discriminating against no one, the pandemic has added another layer of grief. In addition to the very real grief that accompanies loss of life, children are also navigating a variety of other losses including changes in friendships, missed events, school transitions, natural disasters and so much more. The past year or two have not been easy for anyone. Just as adults, children are grieving what they imagined their year would be, the friendships they had, the game they wanted to win, and the trips they had planned.
So as we go into the new school year, I remind myself of my own grief, the universal grief, and the grief and adaptations our children have had to make throughout the pandemic. We each carry an invisible suitcase that no one else sees of our experiences, feelings, and all that in which we have navigated in our lives. Through understanding how grief may present itself at different developmental stages, my hope is that we can better support and navigate the consistent and continued grief our children are experiencing and to learn to support them through their own unique grief processes. If we do not give weight to these significant losses, both in our life and in our children’s, our perspectives and how we each grieve these losses will too be affected.
“Challenging behavior occurs when the demands and expectations being placed upon a child outstrip the skills he has to respond adaptively.”
– Ross Greene
Developmental Considerations and Grief
In order to best understand how to support children in their grief, it's important to be mindful of how grief presents across the lifespan and developmental considerations of their understanding, emotional development, and key developmental tasks. And although this may vary for each child below outline some key concepts of different developmental stages and their impact on grief.
Toddlers and Preschool
The toddler years are full of learning and growing as children navigate and explore their environments and soak in new experiences to their current level of understanding. As toddlers grow and learn, they often experience a wide range of emotions, which they express with intensity, as they make sense of their world around them. And although young children do not have much control of their life anyways, the pandemic has added another layer of changing events in which they are having to navigate.
And although we may not hear a toddler acknowledge their grief and the impact on them, they too can feel loss and grief; they may just express it in a different manner. Children at this age range typically grieve in smaller bursts, unlike many adults where our tendency is to sit in our sadness much longer. Additionally, in response to grief children are more likely to experience regression. This can look like change in sleep patterns, toileting difficulties, and separation anxiety that were not present prior to the pandemic. So, it's expected that we may see children more frequently dysregulated, having increased tantrums, and other changes in their behavior. Furthermore, children make sense of their world through play and thus play may begin to shift and reflect their experiences, fears, and feelings.
School Age
As children move into the school years, they are beginning to explore their independence more and develop increased peer relationships. This is often the time when children are learning their interests and becoming involved in more activities. In regard to the pandemic, many of our children have begun to understand that there is a virus and the reason there are so many changes is to keep everyone safe and healthy. However, depending on their age and development, they may be more concrete thinkers and thus less able to understand more abstract concepts.
Taking into account their development, it's likely for children at this age to develop fears and worries, have more complaints of somatic symptoms such as stomach aches, headaches, etc. or to have changes in their frustration tolerance, school performance or behaviors. And just like adults, their window of tolerance, or what they can handle without blowing up or shutting down, has likely shrunk making what they once could navigate with more ease a source of increase overwhelm or struggle.
Adolescence
As children move into the adolescence stage, there is a stronger understanding of abstract concepts, such as loss and death, as well as a larger focus on peer relationships as they begin to explore their identity and experiment with different ways of being. Additionally at this time, there may be more changes to their spirituality, sexuality, and physical appearance. It’s not uncommon for this age to have increased feelings of worry, sadness, guilt, and anger or even fear about the future as they begin to understand more about life.
In response, adolescents may become increasingly withdrawn or experience changes in their social behaviors than before. Grief may present through increased feelings of worry, sadness, fear regarding future and changes to interactions including staying busy or withdrawing.
“In times of stress, the best thing we can do for each other is to listen with our ears and our hearts and to be assured that our questions are just as important as our answers.”
– Fred Rogers
So, how can we support children right now?
As Fred Rogers stated, the best thing we can do is to not just listen with our ears but our hearts too. We have all done our best to adjust to the changing world and as adults we can remember that our children are too trying to make sense of the world around them and navigate grief they may not even be aware of. To allow children to have space to process their feelings and be with them in their experiences, perspective, and feelings can be so valuable and to extend both yourself and your child grace. This may look like:
Validating and Reflecting Feelings
When we reflect our child’s feelings, we convey understanding and acknowledge that we hear their experience.
It’s important to avoid minimizing the loss your child may be feeling.
Examples: “You're feeling really upset that you can’t see your friends” or “You wish things were back to normal.”
Create a Meaningful Routine
Children benefit from having routines. Routines create predictability which in return creates a feeling and sense of safety.
Try to maintain a routine, even if it looks different than usual.
Set intentional time aside for yourself and time aside as a family.
Look for Opportunities to Connect
Examine how you can implement meaningful connection whether it is scheduling family game nights or consistent playdates in a safe manner.
Try to deepen connection to important adults or friends in your child’s life.
Engage in Mindfulness and Calming Activities
Challenging behaviors often occur when children do not have the skills to respond in a more successful manner.
Engage in mindfulness activities and increase regulation through creating a Cool Down Kit, engaging in ground exercises or implementing a safe space.
Bibliotherapy
Books can be helpful to children in normalizing and processing their experiences. There are a variety of books which provide an opportunity to explore their feelings further. Check out our Bibliotherapy Guide for some examples.
Play
Don’t forget to play! This is how our children make sense of their world and a space in which they have freedom to be themselves, play out their experiences, and explore what they can’t have in reality in fantasy.
Caring for Yourself
In order to support our grieving children, we must first take care of ourselves. It is important to be mindful of our own triggers, limits, and setting boundaries. And don't forget to give yourself some grace! We are all doing the best we can.
Grief is hard and the pandemic is hard, and we are all doing the best we can. I hope that as we continue to navigate our grief that we learn to acknowledge the losses in which we’ve experienced and find ways to express and work through them to find hope and healing.
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WRITTEN BY DAKOTA BECKER, LPC, RPT™, NCC, IPT-CST (SHE/HER/HERS)
Dakota is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™), National Certified Counselor (NCC) and Institute of Play Therapy Certified Sandtray Therapist (IPT-CST). She received her Master’s Degree in Counseling from the University of North Texas through their nationally known play therapy program as well as has her Bachelor’s Degree in Child Development.
