The Ins and Outs of Consequences
Life is full of consequences. In fact, some would argue that consequences (or the fear of them) drive our behavior.
As caregivers, we deal with consequences in spades. Your toddler throws their cup on the ground (for the millionth time!), your teen refuses to get off their phone during dinner, your five-year-old hits their younger sibling when they are arguing. Then what? What’s your next move as a caregiver? Do you yell? Do you “come down hard” and be authoritarian? Do you let it slide and “lose the battle to win the war?”
The topic of consequences is a doozy for caregivers. We walk that line between the desire to teach our children the best way to solve problems, make sure our partner is in agreement with said consequence, as well as take into consideration the input with the other caretakers in the child’s life (we’re looking at you well-meaning grandparents, random caregiver at the playground and teachers). It can be challenging! Many caregivers often revert back to the way we were parented, which for me was perfect. (Hi, Mom and Dad—they read my blogs!)
So, what’s the “right” way to respond and give consequences?
Unfortunately, there’s no right answer. Sorry. No magic here. But—before you stop reading—having a better understanding of consequences will guide you and make you better informed in your responses going forward.
To better understand consequences, let’s go back in time to Edward Thorndike, an American psychologist from the late 1800s to early 1900s, whose work laid the foundation for educational psychology. Thorndike developed the Law of Effect which states “responses that produce a satisfying effect in a particular situation become more likely to occur again in that situation, and responses that produce a discomforting effect become less likely to occur again in that situation.”
Still with me? Channeling your Psych101 class from college? So, what does that mean? Basically, a behavior that is followed by a pleasant consequence is likely to be repeated and behavior that is followed by an unpleasant consequence is likely to be stopped. (For the psychology/education nerds: Thorndike not only introduced this concept but was the first to apply psychological principles to the area of learning.)
Meaning, if you want your child to stop a behavior, follow it by an unpleasant consequence. Easy peasy, right? Well, not quite because it doesn’t quite answer the question of what consequence to give.
Alright, forging ahead.
In the language of psychology, consequences are the events that follow immediately after the behavior and are contingent on the behavior (meaning they occur only if the behavior occurs).
There are two major kinds of consequences:
Reinforcers — which increase the behavior they follow, and
Punishers — which decrease the behavior they follow.
There are positive and negative reinforcers. Positive reinforcer means something is presented to increase the behavior. (For example: When you ask a question, you receive an answer.) A negative reinforcer is the removal or avoidance of something that causes the behavior to increase. (For example: When you ask a question in class you avoid confusion.)
A punisher decreases behavior. (For example: When you eat spoiled food and get a bad taste in your mouth, you stop eating that food.)
Translating this into caregiving language, a consequence is a positive or negative result of a person’s action. The goal of a consequence is to teach your child responsibility and appropriate behavior.
There are two types of consequences: natural and logical.
Natural consequences happen as a result of the behavior and are not planned or controlled. Caregivers don’t “give” natural consequences. Instead, nature (or society) imposes the consequence on your child. Going back to our earlier example, your toddler throws their cup on the ground. The natural consequence is that their cup is on the ground, and if they want it, they/someone needs to pick it up.
Logical consequences do not occur “naturally.” They are determined and delivered by the caregiver. Again, going back to an earlier example, your teen refuses to get off of their phone at dinner. A logical consequence could be technology is not allowed at the dinner table.
Natural consequences are the best to use whenever possible. They are going to be omnipresent throughout your child’s life. As a caregiver, natural consequences can sometimes be difficult to watch your child experience because it’s our biological desire to protect our child. If your middle schooler procrastinates on a project and then has to rush to complete it, it’s difficult not to step in and allow the natural consequence to run its course. As they face natural consequences, your child is learning important coping skills that are an important part of childhood. As they experience these natural consequences, don’t say, “See! I told you to plan ahead,” or launch into a “when I was your age story,” rather empathize and acknowledge their frustration. (i.e. You did not give yourself enough time to complete your project and therefore received a low grade.)
When natural consequences do not apply, use a logical consequence. It goes without saying but the consequence should be logical (i.e. make the “punishment” fit the crime, every time). If your kids are fighting with each other all morning, don’t cancel your reservation at the pool as their “punishment” for being in a bad mood, it may be exactly what you all need. As you recall from our voyage into Thorndike and Psych101, a consequence does not always mean the removal of something. If your third-grader walks into (what feels like) all of your video calls to ask a question, set aside your lunch to have a special lunch date. Creating opportunities for your child to earn extra 1-1 time with you when you notice positive behaviors can be a motivator and also decrease the need for “taking away” a privilege.
A wonderful logical consequence is restitution. Restitution is a way to teach your child to treat others and their property with respect. How can your child “make it right”? If your middle schooler leaves their lunch dishes on the couch and the dog gets into them, a logical/restorative consequence would be to clean the mess. (i.e. When you choose to leave your lunch out, you choose to clean up the mess made by the dog.). Be cognizant that restitution is not about shaming your child, but rather to teach them to take responsibility for their behavior by addressing their mistakes.
Going again to our examples above, your five-year-old hits their younger sibling when they are arguing. Ask your five-year-old how they can “right” the situation. Make it a teaching moment and involve the younger sibling. This will take practice and typically more parental and caregiving guidance in the beginning:
Caregiver: “[5-year-old] you just hit [younger sibling], what can you do to make it right?”
5-year-old: “I could get an ice pack?”
Caregiver: “Sure, that’s a great start. [Younger sibling], what else can [5-year-old] do to make it right?”
Younger sibling: “Give me [the coveted toy that started the argument].”
Navigating appropriate consequences is a major part of caregiving, and it can be overwhelming. Often we are called to respond in moments when we might find ourselves activated, too. But know that you are not alone, and there are many wonderful resources to support you in this, especially through Ensemble Therapy Parenting and Caregiving Support.
Interested in booking a session with us?
WRITTEN BY KATE CURRAN MIRE, SSP, LSSP, NCSP
Kate received her undergraduate degree from The University of Texas-Austin in Applied Learning and Development. In August 2008, she became a certified Master Reading Teacher through the University of Texas-Austin. Kate went on to receive a Specialist Degree in School Psychology from Texas State University-San Marcos.
