Connecting With Your Teen
Adolescence is a period of time that consists of rapid brain growth, identity formation, emphasis on peer comparison, and exploration.
Without a doubt, adolescence can be a tricky time to navigate on the caregivers’ end. Wondering how to communicate with your teen? Wondering why your teen spends the majority of their time alone? These are very common questions received from caregivers of teens because, let’s face it, this developmental period is not easy for anyone. Especially your teen.
Let’s dive into what is occurring in your teen developmentally, socially, and emotionally. I will highlight some important points on how to effectively “get through” to your child during this time. This blog will be centered around increasing connection with your child, but first, we must understand where they are coming from. This can feel like a mystery, so let’s look at the science!
Their Brain is Doing What?
A teen is going through a lot at once, especially inside their brain. It is literally reorganizing and forming new neural connections on a second-to-second basis. Sarah-Jayne Blackmore speaks in her TED Talk about this crucial period of development that begins when puberty commences and resolves when the individual is an independent member of society.
Their brain has not yet formed a balance between the limbic system (the center for our behavioral and emotional responses, including fight/flight/freeze) and reward system (responsible for evaluating rewards and motivating us to obtain them), and their prefrontal cortex (the center for cognitive control, including impulse inhibition) is nowhere near finished developing.
We have all wondered why our teen has acted in a way they did, or made a decision that we knew was maladaptive. This is because they do not have the cognitive functioning yet to evaluate risk vs. reward. Their spontaneous actions are a reflection of their neurobiological period, not a lack of caring or wish for danger. It’s not their fault!
Through making the decisions they do and experiencing either positive or negative outcomes, the connections are forming and mapping their brain on what to do if prompted with a similar situation again later in time.
Emotions trump rationality in adolescent decision-making. If something feels good to them in the moment, their brain will naturally want more of it because that is the primary region of their brain at work.
Let’s look at a common experience I hear from caregivers: “My teen spends so much of their time on social media and doesn’t get their homework done until the last minute.”
This can be frustrating to adults, who would likely prioritize completing their work before socializing with friends. From a teen’s perspective, it is likely that the enjoyment of spending their time on TikTok outweighs the stress they will experience later while completing an assignment last minute. In fact, they may not even consider the stress that awaits them.
Teens live in the moment.
We can help them stay on track by setting our frustrations aside for a moment, attempt to understand their perspective, and hold back on declaring the rationale and logic. Try reflecting their feelings instead and acknowledge their enjoyment on screen time. “You’re really into Tik Tok right now. I’m a little worried you’ll be stressed later when you have to do XYZ, are you?”
They are operating in their feelings-center of their brain, so reflecting what they could be feeling will be more effective than educating them with the logic!
So What Does This Mean?
Remember your precious, cuddly child who absorbed every experience as mostly good, and was eager to enjoy their life with you? That period of development has now shifted into the teen striving to find their passion, and their brain actually begins “pruning”, which means letting go of experiences and perspectives that no longer suit them. We want to avoid pruning positive aspects of the teen’s life, like extracurricular activities, connection to family members, positive peer interactions, and education. We can do this by providing opportunities for all of the above to be a part of the teen’s life, consistently. Give your teen options for extracurricular activities so they can decide which one best suits them (teens love choices!), set up a weekly family dinner, allow your child to spend time with peers whom you are familiar and comfortable with, and support them in maintaining their coursework are all ways you can keep the synapses strong in their brain and reinforce these experiences as positive ones. Dr. Dan Siegel strongly emphasizes the importance of nurturing your teen’s passion to expand on their sense of self. Also, I like to encourage giving your teen an option to “opt out” from said activities on occasion. Keep offering the invitations even if it is met with rejection at times!
Let’s talk about another thing I am asked about frequently: spending time alone. It is not an uncommon experience to “miss” your teen even if you are living in the same household! This is sad, but true. Erickson’s stages of development name the period of adolescence as “Identity vs. Identity Confusion”. For example, the teen is weighing out their previous experiences, societal expectations, and their aspirations in establishing values and ‘finding themselves.’ They typically want to do this on their own. They are naturally shifting into their own identity and seeking autonomy, which is positive. It means they are exactly where they should be developmentally. By giving them the space to do so, i.e., letting them stay in their room for a couple of hours after school, you are honoring their sense of self and showing them you respect their privacy, support them in their self-exploration, and will be readily available when they are ready to share pieces of their self with you.
*Disclaimer: If you’re worried about the time your teen is spending by themselves and fear it is outside of the typical range, trust your intuition and reach out to a professional.
Now, How Can I Connect With Them?
It can certainly be hard to come up with conversation starters in this period. Here is a tip I highly recommend: focus on them. Ask them questions about their interests (and if your child is on TikTok, I recommend downloading it after reading this blog to share funny videos back and forth). Connection will arise from connecting with their world. This may not be the easiest thing to do, especially if your child’s interests are far from your own. However, the goal is to be the safe place for your child to return to in several years when they have formed their own identity. A way to ensure this happens is by respecting their interests and hobbies, joining them, and cheering them on.
Let’s say you pick your teen up from school, ask them how their day was, to which they respond, “Fine.” A great response to this could be, “Fine days are better than bad days.” No need to continue prying. This simple response lets them know you hear that their day was not “great” or “terrible” and normalizes that some days are just fine.
There is probably a lot more happening behind the scenes, and your teen will bring their emotions to you as they are comfortable. If you suspect your teen is engaging in risky behaviors, a conversation can be elicited by stating a concern directly. Try to refrain from blaming language, and encourage conversation by a statement such as, “I’m wondering if you could tell me more about the parties you have been going to. I’m a little concerned about what's happening at the parties because we haven’t talked about them recently. Is now a good time to chat?”
Remember that you are still the caregiver, you still have the power, and it’s important to establish a healthy balance of allowing your child some say in when and how these conversations take place!
One last thing: your teen still loves you. You are still their mom, dad, grandma, aunt, cousin. Sometimes it feels to caregivers that they have “lost” their child, and this is partly true because they have outgrown the sweet and cuddly child I mentioned earlier. However, they are on a new trajectory to becoming their own which can be truly amazing to watch. You are still their safe person. Hold onto those moments of connection and embrace the developing brain of your child- it can be a really energizing ride.
References:
Konrad K, Firk C, Uhlhaas PJ. Brain development during adolescence: neuroscientific insights into this developmental period. Dtsch Arztebl Int. 2013 Jun;110(25):425-31. doi: 10.3238/arztebl.2013.0425. Epub 2013 Jun 21. PMID: 23840287; PMCID: PMC3705203.