The 3 R’s: Relationship, Relationship, Relationship
The back-to-school transition can often bring up a lot of emotions.
A typical school day is filled with a multitude of stressors for a child including numerous social interactions, transitioning between activities & classrooms, various adults telling them what to do, sensory sensitivities, and academic struggles to name a few. While some children express themselves in the moment as new conflicts arise, other children are successful at “holding it together” during the school day only to come home and let it all out with you. Our first instinct might be to think, “Why are they doing this to me?” but in reality this is the first sign that you have developed a safe and secure attachment with your child.
“Parenting is a relationship, not a technique. That is why we should keep our focus more on connection and less on instruction.”
– Bridgett Miller
It’s all about the relationship. As clinicians, we spend our initial therapy sessions building a safe, secure, and connected relationship with our clients to lay the foundation for therapeutic growth to occur. Children are not typically free to explore, test boundaries, or share frightening parts of their lives until they experience a relationship in which their world is understood and accepted by another. As caregivers, we often feel overwhelmed or stuck when we’re confronted with our child’s behaviors and feelings. It’s easy to forget that all behavior is communication, and often when children are triggering us they are really asking for help in the only way they know how at that moment.
“When your child is having a problem, stop, listen, then respond to the need, not the behavior. The behavior can be addressed later, after the need has been met, because only then is the door to effective communication truly open.”
– L.R. Knost
I know we’ve all heard the sayings, “You can’t pour from an empty cup” or “Put on your oxygen mask before helping others.” When it comes to self care, many of us feel guilty for indulging in an activity that brings us joy when others need us. We think we’re being selfish or there are more productive things to do or find ourselves saying yes to everyone but ourselves. When we don’t prioritize taking care of ourselves, our children pick up on what we call a “felt sense” and experience a lack of safety in our relationship with them. How better to model coping skills to our children than by practicing them in real life? Taking the time to take care of you allows you to show up for others in a calmer, more regulated state.
“Most parents think that if our child would just “behave,” we could maintain our composure as parents. The truth is that managing our own emotions and actions is what allows us to feel peaceful as parents. Ultimately we can’t control our children or the hand life deals them, but we can always control our own actions. Parenting isn’t about what our child does, it’s about how we respond.”
– Dr. Laura Markham
At home we see both the best and the worst of each other. Conflicts, disagreements, and ruptures will naturally occur and repair will be needed at times. It’s important to remember that we all make mistakes and it’s how we handle our mistakes that makes all the difference. Model how you can make things “right” with others and show your children how to apologize by doing it first.
“When parents don’t take responsibility for their own unfinished business, they miss an opportunity not only to become better parents but also to continue their own development. People who remain in the dark about the origins of their behaviors and intense emotional responses are unaware of their unresolved issues and the parental ambivalence they create.”
– Dr. Dan Siegel
There is power in putting words to your child’s emotions and experiences. Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson coined the term “Name it to Tame it” to encourage the integration of our left and right hemispheres in our brain. When it comes to processing their experiences, children tend to be right-brain dominant. This means that they can sometimes get stuck in their big feelings around an event or situation and struggle to regulate and make sense of their experience. Putting our experiences and emotions into words helps connect us to our left brain, which makes sense of our feelings and memories and helps calm down the activity in the right brain.
“Children don’t need to have their feelings agreed with; they need to have them acknowledged. The more you try to push a child’s unhappy feelings away, the more they become stuck in them. The more comfortable you can accept the bad feelings, the easier it is for kids to let go of them.”
– Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish
Playing with your child is one of the most powerful ways to connect with them. Play is the natural language of children, they learn about themselves and their world through play. Children also express and process their emotions and experiences through play. Let your child take the lead and pick the activity or game. Connect with them through reflective listening. Learn from them rather than sharing your knowledge. Let them make mistakes and encourage their attempts. Stay present and put away distractions. Laugh. And most importantly, have fun! :)
“Children need to be loved as they are, and for who they are. When that happens, they can accept themselves as fundamentally good people, even when they screw up or fall short. And with this basic need met, they’re also freer to accept (and help) other people.”
– Alfie Kohn
Interested in learning more about enhancing your caregiver/child relationship? Check out our online workshops and blog to learn more.
Interested in booking a session with us?
WRITTEN BY JACLYN SEPP, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S™, NCC, RYT® 200 (SHE/HER/HERS)
Jaclyn believes that all human beings, no matter how small, deserve a place to be accepted for who they are, which drove her to establish Ensemble Therapy in 2015 with the mission to bring high quality therapeutic services to children, teens, and their families in Central Austin. Jaclyn is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor (LPC-S), Registered Play Therapist Supervisor™ (RPT-S™), National Certified Counselor (NCC) and Registered Yoga Teacher (RYT® 200). She received her Master’s Degree in Professional Counseling from Texas State University (CACREP Accredited Program) and her Bachelor’s Degree in Psychology with a Minor in Applied Learning & Development from The University of Texas at Austin.
