When Children Lie: Understanding the Behavior and Guiding Them Toward Honesty
A child might lie for a handful of reasons. Sometimes they tell a lie to avoid a consequence. Other times they lie and make up a story when seeking connection with a peer or family member. Young children might lie because they’re still learning the line between fantasy and reality. Older children may lie to maintain privacy.
A child might lie for a handful of reasons. Sometimes they tell a lie to avoid a consequence. Other times they lie and make up a story when seeking connection with a peer or family member. Young children might lie because they’re still learning the line between fantasy and reality. Older children may lie to maintain privacy.
While lying can be frustrating to adults and break previously built trust, it is also a normal behavior for children to engage in. When a child lies, it is important to approach the lie with curiosity rather than frustration as to build and model healthy communication.
Before we cover how to address and prevent lying, let’s dive a little deeper into why children lie.
Understanding Why Children Lie
The first few reasons a child might lie are due to developmental reasons. The ability to lie intentionally is a milestone that children reach around the ages of 2 to 4 years old. The ability develops when they understand that others cannot read their mind. Before this, children are unaware when they tell a lie. In addition, in the preschool years, children haven’t fully developed their ability to differentiate between fantasy and reality. This can often lead to preschoolers lying about events they wish were reality.
The next few reasons a child might lie can be categorized as emotional coping skills. A child might tell a lie to avoid a consequence. A child might also lie when they’re seeking connection. Often this is seen as a child telling a story that is not true in order to hold the attention of a peer or family member. Other times this can be seen when a child lies for approval, which ties into the next reason. A child may also lie in order to cope with unmet expectations. This might look like a child making up an achievement. It could also look like a child saying they have completed their homework when they haven’t because they feel overwhelmed.
The last few reasons a child might lie are due to social influences. They may lie to protect a friend or to gain a friend’s approval. A child might also lie because they’ve seen it modeled. Even when adults tell white lies, children see lying being modeled and then imitate their role models.
How to Address Lying
1. Stay Calm and Approach Without Judgment.
Before saying or doing anything, check in with yourself to see if you’re regulated. If you’re angry or hurt, take some time to regulate before engaging with your child. Starting off the conversation when you are regulated is key to a successful interaction. Rather than blaming them or calling them a liar, start the conversation with neutral and curious words and tone of voice. To be neutral about the situation and avoid blame, state the facts, as if you’re narrating a story. The curious and neutral approach is important to avoid encouraging further dishonesty. You might say something like, “I heard you say you didn’t paint on the wall. I’m also seeing paint on the wall and no one else is here. Can you help me figure out what happened?”
2. Model Honest Behavior.
It can also be helpful to relate with them. You might say, “Once, I got paint for the wall on my mom’s desk and I felt really nervous.” Before they tell the truth, this helps to identify how they’re likely feeling without shifting blame to them.
3. Reflect their feelings.
After they tell the truth, you also want to identify their emotions from before and after they told the truth. It can also be helpful for social-emotional growth to identify the reason for the lie. You might say, “You were really nervous when you got paint on the wall because you didn’t want to get in trouble, but you’re feeling more relaxed after you told the truth.”
4. Reinforce Honesty with Positive Encouragement.
When they do tell the truth, be sure to thank them. If the lie is something that needs a consequence, consider natural and logical consequences. In our example, you may have them clean the paint off the wall.
But what if they don’t share the truth after you start a neutral and curious conversation about it?
Then we want to consider the reason why they might have lied and then proceed based on that information. If we’re responding to a preschooler who is having difficulty differentiating between fantasy and reality, we want to acknowledge their imagination but also focus on grounding them in truth. If your child says they saw a dragon in the backyard, your response might sound like, “That’s so exciting! What was it doing?” After they answer you, you might follow up with, “That sounds like a story from a book. Dragons don’t live in our backyard, but it is fun to imagine that!” If they’re making up a story because they’re seeking connection with you, you might respond in a similar way.
When the lie has bigger ramifications than in the dragon example, such as if a child lies that a friend broke something instead of admitting they broke it, we want to circle back to the lie once some time has passed, to allow everyone to enter the conversation with a regulated nervous system. When we come back to the conversation, we can dive deeper with the child into why what they said was hurtful and alternatives for what they might do next time.
Discussing the alternatives to lying helps children learn problem-solving skills. (Learn more about reasoning with your child in Sarah’s blog on the science behind regulating a child.)
How to Prevent Lying
Reinforce Honesty with Positive Encouragement. Encourage them in situations when they do tell the truth.
Encourage Problem Solving Skills and Accountability. Practice problem-solving together and use natural and logical consequences to teach accountability.
Build Trust. Spend one-on-one time with your child once a week to help develop trust with your child.
Don’t cue a lie. Sometimes we accidentally cue a child to lie. In the previous example, instead of asking, “Did you paint on the wall?” You might try saying, “I see there is paint on the wall. I wonder what we can do to get it off.”
When to Seek Professional Help
You might be wondering if your child’s lying is developmentally normal or if it warrants professional help. If lying is interfering with your child’s relationships, school performance, or overall well-being, a therapist can help your family address the lying constructively and help your child build healthier coping mechanisms and communication skills.
Understanding the behavior of lying and guiding children toward honesty requires patience and empathy. By recognizing the developmental, emotional, and social reasons behind a child’s dishonesty, adults can respond in ways that nurture trust and guide children toward honesty. With consistent guidance and support, children can develop the confidence, problem-solving skills, and integrity to consistently tell the truth.
Resources:
Lying Information for Parents and Educators by Caven S. Mcloughlin, PhD and Heather Doyle, MEd, NCSP
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WRITTEN BY RACHEL ESPARZA, LPC-ASSOCIATE
Rachel Esparza is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate supervised by Jaclyn N. Sepp, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S™, NCC, RYT® 200 and Sheila Wessels, MEd, LPC-S, RPT-S™. Rachel is also working towards her Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™) credential. At Texas State University, Rachel earned her Master’s degree in Professional Counseling (CACREP Accredited Program) and her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. She has experience working with children, adolescents, young adults, and families in community counseling settings.
