Understanding Your Child's Behavior
Caregivers often come to us because they are struggling with their kiddos’ “bad” behaviors. This is an area many caregivers struggle with and certainly need help during those trying moments.
It’s our job as adults (and the only ones in the relationship with fully developed brains!) to work with our kiddos through these behaviors and not just see them as bad behaviors, or worse, as bad kids. We need to make sure we are viewing these behaviors in a relational and developmentally appropriate way and not just as “bad.”
"When we only look at behavior, we stop seeing the child and only look with an intent to judge whether we need to reward or punish. When we look behind that behavior, we see that little struggling human, our little human, who needs our help with something."
- Rebecca Eanes
I recently read The Danish Way of Parenting. I recommend it as an anthropological compliment to the neuroscientific research and books of Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson like The Whole Brain Child and The Power of Showing Up. One thing that really stood out is that the Danes do not call the toddler years the “terrible twos.” They refer to these years as the “boundary pushing age” because they are filled with frequent redirection and the need for patience and calm presence.
This shift in mentality is subtle but it puts the kid and caregiver on the same team, a team working toward new skills that need to be introduced, practiced… practiced… and practiced some more, praised, encouraged, and reinforced.
Instead of feeling like you’re on opposite teams with your child who is pushing and pulling to get their way, it can be a vital shift to think about how you can be on the same team with your child. Your relationship with your child, whether you see yourself as members of the same team or as rivals with different goals and agendas, is the most fundamental building block to these difficult years because we all know kids need help with managing their behaviors and emotions long after their 3rd birthday.
What can we do as caregivers to ensure we’re on the same team as our child?
We practice building an attuned, empathetic, and nurturing relationship with our child. When we do not and instead withhold attunement, empathy, and nurture, it can lead to behaviors in our children that we might mistake for “bad.”
This rupture in the relationship can happen by shaming them for their behavior instead of empathizing with them, sending them away to sort out their difficult feelings alone when they really need connection or support, or by just being too busy. There is an African proverb that says, “The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth.” It’s as if the child is saying, “If you won’t see me, truly see me, for who I am and what I need help with, I’ll make you see me.”
When we look at “bad” behavior from this relational lens, the goal is to have more empathy for our child and their behavior. They are not trying to manipulate or annoy you. They do not know how exhausting your day was. It is not their job to worry about such adult things. They are feeling out of control, which is demonstrated by their behavior. They need a steady coach and mentor to help them feel in control, not a power struggle, which will escalate their out-of-control feelings even more.
All behavior is communication.
For our kids, behavior is often the easiest way to communicate how they are feeling. As they grow, their brains get better and better at integrating the left and right hemispheres. But when they are stressed, overwhelmed, scared, anxious, lonely, tired, hungry, over- or understimulated, etc., it is harder for the right emotional side of their brain to effectively communicate with the logical and linguistic left side of their brain. Because their brains have not yet fully developed, it makes it hard to communicate their distress in a socially appropriate way.
Adult brains work the same way. I’m sure you can think of a time when you needed some time to gather your thoughts after a stressful verbal attack from your partner. Or you’ve lost your cool and yelled out of anger instead of calmly expressing what made you feel angry or threatened. Kids just have a LOT more of these experiences because they haven’t had as much practice as we have in integrating our brains and practicing self-regulation.
Once caregivers are able to empathize with the origin of these behaviors, then we get to be detectives of what might be driving this dysregulation…this challenging behavior.
Questions to ask when your child is communicating via “bad” behavior
What is the need they are communicating?
Is it ineptitude?
Do they need help building skills?
Is it shame or embarrassment for not having these skills already?
Do they need empathy, patience, encouragement, and kindness as they learn a new skill?
Is their environment too overstimulating?
Do lights need to be turned down?
Do they need some physical activity to regulate their body and brain?
Do they want to spend more time with you!?
How can you schedule more family time, specifically one-on-one time?
When kids have challenging behaviors, they need nurturing care but they also need structured boundaries and firmness when enforcing those boundaries. Structure and nurture need to go hand in hand as we help kiddos gain new skills and practice being more regulated tiny humans. Consistent limit setting is important in these moments but only after the relationship has been activated again.
Connection before correction.
Below are some common questions we get related to difficult behaviors I’d like to address from this lens of meeting the relational need but also acknowledging that I don’t know your specific situation or big behaviors:
Do we ignore or acknowledge “bad” behavior at home?
The very first question to ask when you witness “bad” behavior is: What is the need that is creating the behavior? Is it connected time with you that is needed? Then acknowledge the behavior, but help them to use a more appropriate way to request your attention. Do not withhold the relationship just because they asked in an inappropriate way. Help them to ask again or “redo” the request. Limits around this might be something like, “Wow, I can see you’re angry because you just threw your block at me. But I’m also wondering if you’re feeling lonely and want to spend time with me. I’m going to give you your block back, can you ask for time together in a different way?”
Is the child lacking in the skill of expressing themselves in a more appropriate way? Then maybe limit setting is needed in that moment. But be sure to revisit that behavior or skill that is lacking, in a calmer moment. In the moment, you might say, “It’s so hard to feel rushed in the morning, but it’s time to go to school. You can choose to put your jacket on first or your shoes on first, which do you choose?” And then later, talk about the morning routine, “I notice it’s really hard for us to get out the door on time. What do you think would help?” Be willing to actually listen to their ideas and brainstorm possible solutions.
How much of a bad behavior should we tolerate?
This really depends on your own caregiving style and how that meshes with your co-caregiver if co-caregiving. But “catching it low” allows you to acknowledge the misbehavior before it becomes a big deal. Balance that with all the other reprimands you're giving though. No one wants to be corrected all day long. Instead, use curiosity as your guide and ask your child something like this, “Earlier today I noticed that you stomped your feet all the way to your room and slammed your door after I asked you to unload the dishwasher, what was that about?”
How can I stop negative behaviors at school?
Strengthen the relationship between teacher and child if possible. Provide coping strategies for the kiddo to use during class. Some of these may need to be shared with the teacher(s) ahead of time so they are aware of what your kiddo is doing. “I’ve noticed you’ve been getting in trouble during math a lot recently. It doesn’t seem fair you have to sit next to your archenemy. I wonder if there is a way to take a break from class, like get a drink of water or go to the bathroom to splash water on your face if that gets to be too much.”
You are the most important person to your little human. They need a calm and patient caregiver to help them navigate the frustrations of our world as their brain grows. Always try to meet their needs by connecting first, empathizing with the underlying need, and helping them learn to do it better the next time… and the next time… and the next time.
Bad behavior can feel like a reflection of your caregiving. Your own feelings of inadequacy when your child behaves in a way that is not aligned with your values can lead to defensive feelings and anger. Try to remember that this is not a negative reflection of your caregiving but your child communicating that they need non-shaming help to get it right. All kids misbehave. Responding to the misbehavior (not our own feelings of self-doubt or judgment) in an understanding and empathetic way will reduce escalation. Viewing their behavior as a form of communication and not an indictment on your caregiving may allow you to be less emotional about the behavior and remember you’re on the same team as your kiddo.
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WRITTEN BY COLLEEN TURNER, LCSW (SHE/HER/HERS)
Colleen Turner is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). Colleen received her Master of Science in Social Work degree from the University of Texas at Austin and her Bachelor of Science in Human Development and Family Studies from the University of Illinois at Urbana/Champaign. Colleen is currently working towards her Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™) credential. Colleen has clinical experience working with children ages zero through elementary school and their families and has worked extensively with children impacted by the child welfare system. Colleen is a Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Educator trained by the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University.
