Understanding Attachment

NeurobiologyParenting ResourcesResearch-based PracticesTherapyWritten By: Meg Kozel
Written By Meg Kozel

You may have come across the terms “attachment style” or “attachment theory” at some point in your child’s, or even your own, therapy journey.

However, you may not have a thorough understanding about what attachment actually means. Attachment theory was first developed in the mid-1940s by psychologist and psychiatrist John Bowlby and was later expanded upon with research conducted by psychologist Mary Ainsworth. A simple definition of attachment is “an emotional bond with another person.” (Buescher, 2022) Simply put, “attachment style” refers to the different ways in which we connect and develop emotional bonds with other human beings. Since attachment can be a focal point of the therapeutic process, I want to dive into this topic a little deeper.

Attachment theory and attachment styles have been vastly studied and dissected in many psychology labs, graduate level courses, dissertations, and other areas of clinical academia. While reading this blog will not make you an attachment expert (and furthermore, is not written by someone who claims to be an attachment expert,) it will hopefully provide an increased understanding of what attachment means in regards to child and adolescent mental health and how knowledge of attachment can help you support your child.

Research has identified four commonly acknowledged attachment styles: anxious , avoidant, disorganized and secure. Note: It is very rare that one individual completely falls into only one category.

Four Attachment Styles

  1. Anxious (also known as dismissive) attachment can be thought of as “the people pleaser.” Those with an anxious attachment style often have a high fear of abandonment, and they will frequently go above and beyond to satisfy the needs of their caregiver, romantic partner, or whomever they are in relationship with – even when it may be a detriment to themselves. Examples of how anxious attachment can present in children may include: excessive clinging to caregivers, being nervous or anxious around strangers, having intense fear of caregivers leaving that may result in crying or tantrums when caregivers attempt to leave for date nights, work, etc. (Latif, 2022) 

  2. Avoidant (also known as preoccupied) attachment style may look like an individual who is extremely independent and self-reliant. With this attachment style, individuals do not like to depend on others to get their needs met and avoid needing anything from others outside of themselves. Examples of how avoidant attachment can present in children may include: avoiding eye contact, turning away from, or not engaging with caregivers when they return after not being with their children for a period of time. (Latif, 2022)

  3. Disorganized (also known as fearful-avoidant) attachment is possibly the most heart-wrenching attachment style. It’s an individual who desperately wants closeness and connection yet has seriously intense doubts that another person could ever care for them or meet their needs. Examples of how disorganized attachment can present in children may include: aggressive behaviors, emotional distress, and being unable to self-soothe or self-regulate. (Latif, 2022)  

  4. Secure attachment is what many of us like to think we have, but in reality, very few of us actually have this as our sole attachment style. With this attachment style, we connect just as well in relationships and with others as we do with ourselves. We are equally as comfortable being alone as we are being in relationships. It is our goal, as therapists and allies, to promote secure attachments in children! While this is the goal, caregivers will benefit from understanding and remembering that attachments can be influenced or impacted by additional outside factors often outside of caregivers’ controls.

*An important note, especially for all perfectionist caregivers: we should not place any judgment or shame on ourselves or others for belonging to an insecure attachment style.* Knowledge of attachment styles should not be used as a metric for quality caregiving or personas. Again, the hope in understanding attachment is to increase awareness to help our children become as secure in connections as possible in order to be as healthy as possible.

How do attachment styles develop?

We begin to develop our attachment styles very early in childhood. Infants express their needs, pleasure, and contentment by crying, cooing, smiling, and even laughing! Caregivers’ responses and interactions with infants all influence attachment styles. As children progress, they begin to explore their surroundings and world around them. Secure attachment looks like children who explore their surroundings and seek adventure with ease while at the same time confidently returning to their loved ones and caregivers for safety.

Helpful tips to promote secure attachment in children:

Be attuned to your child’s needs and respond accordingly.

Babies’ cries yield a response from a caregiver such as a feeding, diaper change, nap, etc. As simple and basic as this may seem, these patterns and responses and the manner in which they are done are essential to developing a secure attachment. Keep in mind that as your child grows, they will continue to express their needs in more developed ways, and caregivers’ responses will continue to influence their attachment behaviors. Let’s be clear to distinguish that this does not mean children should be given whatever they want, whenever they want. However, it is important for you to respond in some way to a child’s expressed needs even if it is redirection or offering alternative choices. Being intentional with eye contact, responding in a reliable and consistent manner, and reflecting feelings are examples of manageable ways of staying attuned to your child.

Reflect feelings.

Reflecting feelings can be instrumental in promoting secure attachment. Reflecting feelings is a critical skill where we communicate to children that their emotions are valid while not necessarily agreeing or trying “to fix” the situation. Language such as, “you’re feeling angry about that” and “it sounds like you’re disappointed,” are examples of ways to reflect feelings with our children. 

Provide your child with encouragement and limit praise.

Incorporating phrases such as, “You worked so hard on that,” or “You are proud of that,” are ways to provide children with encouragement instead of the knee-jerk praise response. Providing children with encouragement teaches them to depend on their own self-worth and not look to others for validation. Furthermore, children with a strong sense of self will feel more comfortable exploring new things and developing healthy relationships. 

Examine your own attachment style.

What patterns of behavior do you exhibit in relationships? What are your own connections like with loved ones and with others? If we want to promote healthy and secure attachment in children, we have to first understand our own attachment and possible blind spots as adults. It is important to be aware of our opportunities for growth so as to avoid passing on unhealthy behavior as much as possible. The hope is that when we, as caregivers, increase our emotional awareness about ourselves we are able to strengthen our connections with our children; therefore, caregiving more effectively.

Attachment theory originated in attempts to better understand the dynamics between caregivers and children. However, modern research has demonstrated that attachment styles can not only affect the child-caregiver relationship, but can also affect the trajectory of adult relationships as well. Promoting secure attachment in children will hopefully help them develop and experience healthy relationships as well as a healthy sense of self in order to become the best “them” they can be for the rest of their lives. Hopefully, you now have a new and deeper understanding of attachment that will positively influence you and your child! 

To learn more about attachment, please check out the following videos from the Karyn Purvis Institute for Child Development:

References:

  • Bowlby, J. (1944.) Fourty-four Juvenile Thieves: their Characters and Home-Life. The International Journal of Psycho-analysis, 25. 

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Meg Kozel
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