The Psychology Behind Your Child’s Vying for Power and Control
During your formative years, you may or may not have been exposed to the developmental work of Erik Erikson. He was a developmental psychologist in the early 20th century who organized human development into eight stages with specific developmental tasks from birth to death.
The idea of human and child development can be tricky because development is never a clear or linear path. Each child is unique and worthy and is growing at their own pace. Healthy development cannot be rushed but it can certainly be slowed. Children develop best in an environment of physical and emotional safety. We can embrace our children as humans who strive to be fulfilled, contributory, and in relationship with others. And they will struggle with this, will need guidance, and may look like they aren’t striving for these things but I promise, they are. In their own way. They will, by virtue of being human, encounter obstacles, challenges, and emotional struggles, but they are always developing and evolving. Even if it’s not on our schedule.
The idea of Erikson’s stages is that in each developmental phase, each person works on achieving the “task” which leads to important life lessons. This Very Well Mind blog series does an excellent job of laying out the conflicts in each stage, the lesson learned (or not learned), and examples of what developmental tasks might look like. I highly recommend the read!
However, for ease, I’ve copied a high-level outline of the eight stages for you here.
The eight stages that make up Erikson’s theory are as follows:
Stage 1: Trust vs. Mistrust (Infancy from birth to 18 months)
Stage 2: Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt (Toddler years from 18 months to three years)
Stage 3: Initiative vs. Guilt (Preschool years from three to five)
Stage 4: Industry vs. Inferiority (Middle school years from six to 11)
Stage 5: Identity vs. Confusion (Teen years from 12 to 18)
Stage 6: Intimacy vs. Isolation (Young adult years from 18 to 40)
Stage 7: Generativity vs. Stagnation (Middle age from 40 to 65)
Stage 8: Integrity vs. Despair (Older adulthood from 65 to death)
I often think of these tasks in my work with families. Many caregivers decide to begin the therapeutic process for their child because they are struggling with the theme of power and control. Their child is trying to control everything even down to what color plate they use at dinner! They want their caregiver to do things a certain way and lose it if they don’t, just to name a few cliche examples. The thing is, that’s normal!
I have found that Erikson’s stages provide a good frame for me when I’m struggling with certain behaviors and can remind myself of what developmental task my child or client is working on. And the task is never to drive us crazy.
When I look at the first five stages (all of childhood!) I see power and control rearing its ugly head. So, maybe power and control don’t have to be ugly. Maybe we can embrace this theme, comb its hair and put some well-fitting clothes on it, and see it as an inevitable part of child rearing instead of something to be feared and squashed.
As we’ll see in the toddler stage, the task is autonomy vs. shame and self-doubt. So, squashing the power and control in this stage could very likely lead to shame and self-doubt. And I know no caregiver wants their child to internalize shame and self-doubt over autonomy!
Stage 1: Trust vs. Mistrust
My son is 14 months old and is still learning how to sleep independently. As much as I want to lay him down and walk away for 12 hours overnight, I remind myself that he is in his trust vs. mistrust phase and that meeting his needs, no matter what time it is, will teach him that the world is safe and he can trust others. I find summoning this stage helpful at 3am when all I want to do is go back to sleep but he is showing me that he trusts me to help him go back to sleep. I could look at his middle of the night cries as an attempt to manipulate and control me, but what would that mean for the task at hand?
Stage 2: Autonomy vs. Shame and Self-Doubt
The second stage is autonomy vs. shame and self-doubt. This is the dreaded “terrible two” phase that I’ve written about reframing before. When children are learning how to appropriately practice autonomy they have to practice taking control. That’s how you make autonomous decisions. Of course, this gets tiring after a while, especially when the attempt to take control of a situation is futile, like when a banana is not orange! But again, keeping this lesson, and the alternative lesson of internalizing shame in mind might be helpful. These are the moments when we can practice sitting with uncomfortable feelings, validating our child’s anger or disappointment about this particular reality, and riding that difficult wave with them, not leaving them out at sea alone.
Stage 3: Initiative vs. Guilt
Erikson believed that these phases built upon each other and all contributed to the person’s traits and personality. The third stage is initiative vs. guilt. I think about how an environment that did not fully support autonomy in the toddler years may also struggle to support initiative in this phase. Most caregivers would agree that they want their child to take initiative and be autonomous but what that really means is allowing our children practice taking that initiative even if it’s not the way we would do it or as refined of a practice as we would take, or sometimes even when we would like it to happen—here’s looking at you, middle of the store meltdowns!
This phase is the preschool years (3-5 years old) and can be tricky for caregivers who think they’re out of the terrible two phases and hope for smooth sailing. These kiddos still need to practice taking initiative, having their ideas valued and seriously considered even if we know they will not work out. This is when the process of practicing taking control and figuring it out for themselves is much more important than the outcome or listening to a lecture from an adult and immediately learning the lesson vicariously.
Stage 4: Industry vs. Inferiority
The fourth stage from ages six to eleven industry vs. inferiority. This is when kids are really practicing all the social and academic skills they are learning every day. Industrious kids are willing to try new skills, even when they seem challenging and like they might not get it right the first time. Children who are learning the task of inferiority may lack the self confidence to practice all the skills that need practice, and a lot of it, before they really know it. They may look like angry and inflexible kids who are unwilling to try hard things when really they are scared to try at all because they might fail. They may look like kids who continue to have power struggles with their caregivers. Caregivers might be tempted to think this is because they are inflexible and manipulative but if we look at this with the lens of the lacking skills, maybe we can lend them a bit more empathy and offer support as they need it.
Stage 5: Identity vs. Role Confusion
The fifth and last stage of childhood is identity vs. role confusion. I think of this stage more of experimentation and “finding yourself” though part of that can certainly be your teen digging their heels into the identity they are trying on for a bit. Depending on what lesson was learned during each previous developmental task, themes of vying for power and control may continue to weave in and out of relationships with authority figures in an attempt to gain better mastery of them.
I hope identifying where your kid or kids are in these stages might help you to better understand what is underlying their challenging behaviors and give you more empathy to lend to your kiddo who is always trying to please you but also always working on developing into their own human self.
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WRITTEN BY COLLEEN TURNER, LCSW (SHE/HER/HERS)
Colleen Turner is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). Colleen received her Master of Science in Social Work degree from the University of Texas at Austin and her Bachelor of Science in Human Development and Family Studies from the University of Illinois at Urbana/Champaign. Colleen is currently working towards her Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™) credential. Colleen has clinical experience working with children ages zero through elementary school and their families and has worked extensively with children impacted by the child welfare system. Colleen is a Trust Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) Educator trained by the Karyn Purvis Institute of Child Development at Texas Christian University.
