Nurturing Emotional Intelligence with Internal Family Systems (IFS)
“IFS is a loving way of relating internally (to your parts) and externally (to the people in your life), so in that sense, IFS is a life practice, as well. It’s something you can do on a daily, moment-to-moment basis—at any time, by yourself or with others.” - Dr. Richard Schwartz, founder of IFS
If you’re a caregiver, you have probably thought about how to support your child’s emotional intelligence. This may look like asking your child to “use their words” to name how they are feeling, or maybe your child has a big meltdown when something they want doesn’t go as planned. Whatever the scenario, equipping children with the tools to understand their emotional world is essential for their well-being and ability to maneuver through life’s ups and downs.
Internal Family Systems (IFS), an evidence-based therapeutic approach with emotional awareness building techniques, has been gaining traction to support caregivers in nurturing their children's emotional growth. Internal Family Systems, pioneered by Dr. Richard Schwartz, proposes that we’re all made up of many different parts – parts that may worry excessively, parts that are playful and silly, parts that are scared of failing or not being perfect, or parts that carry deeply felt hurts. These parts can represent different aspects of our personality, each with its own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
According to IFS, when our different parts feel seen, heard, and understood, each of us – including our children – has access to inner harmony and greater emotional well-being. But as caregivers, where do we start with all of this? Adopting IFS techniques as a parent can seem overwhelming, but IFS principles can be simplified for caregivers when helping their children recognize and work with their internal parts, fostering a safe environment for emotional expression and exploration.
Introducing The Idea of Parts and Actively Listening
First, check in with your child and yourself. Are you and your child generally calm? Do you feel like you are in a safe space to explore emotional parts (potentially, a new topic for both of you) and not prone to distraction? Relaxed, safe environments could look like cuddling on the couch at home or throwing a ball together outside.
Once you feel ready to begin, start by explaining the idea of parts as different feelings or voices within oneself. Provide a few examples such as, “Are you like me and a scared voice comes up when you’re doing something new for the first time?” or “Do you remember that day you were worried about speaking in front of your class? Is there a part of you inside that sometimes worries about what your friends think?”
Listen and see what parts come up for your child naturally, whether it is parts that feel scared, worried, angry, hurt, joyful, or sad. Tell your child that all parts are welcome and there are no bad parts. During this conversation, stay curious about your child’s inner world. Practice active listening and try to hold back the urge to jump in, correct, or comment on their emotional experience. If you feel yourself getting triggered at any point, take a deep breath and get back to a place of calm presence.
Helping Your Child Identify and Name Their Parts
Once you and your child have a general grasp on what parts are, it is a good time to start identifying and naming parts. This can be done through storytelling, drawing, or role-playing activities. For instance, a parent might ask their child to draw pictures representing different emotions they experience, such as joy, anger, or sadness. Through these activities, children learn to recognize and label their feelings, laying the groundwork for emotional awareness. Over time, children will begin to more easily recognize the part of them that is worried or angry.
Whether the part is considered positive or negative, it’s important for caregivers to respond to their child’s experience with empathy and acceptance. By validating their experiences, caregivers help children feel heard and understood, strengthening the parent-child bond.
Sharing Stories About Parts and Their Needs
A caregiver’s ability to nurture emotional intelligence through IFS techniques happens when caregivers and their children connect through stories about parts and their needs. Sharing our parts and their needs with our kids is most powerful when we use simple language and relatable examples. It’s also useful when we can model how noticing our parts and the needs they have helps us feel understood as the safe adult in the room.
You could say:
“Hey, do you remember that day you were angry when we didn’t go to the store? Is there a part of you inside that feels angry when you don’t get something you want?
You know, I experience that too.
A part of me was angry last week when I didn’t get to go exercise. That part really wanted to move, jump, and stretch.
Just talking about my angry parts’ need to exercise with you makes me feel better already. I feel like you understand me.”
Every part has a specific emotional need. While there are no bad parts, there are wounded parts that have become overactive and may be lashing out in anger or building up excessive, internalized worry. If your child’s part is predominantly sad, offer to hug or comfort them. If they have an angry part, see if they can communicate what that angry part needs, whether it is space or to be heard.
You can always invite your child to share what their parts need if they are ready and able. Simply asking, “What does your angry part need?” can provide emotional support to your child and invite them to reveal a deeply held need with you, maybe for the first time.
If your child has an overactive part, you can relate to them by validating their feelings with statements like “I can understand why you might feel _______” or “I can only imagine how difficult this must be because ________.” By exploring our parts together and their needs, caregivers can gain important insights into their child’s inner world, all while supporting their child’s emotional development.
In summary, Internal Family Systems offers a valuable framework for caregivers seeking to nurture their children's emotional intelligence. These skills are especially important as kids face challenges or setbacks at school, at home, or with peers. By incorporating IFS principles into parenting practices, caregivers can support their child’s emotional awareness and self-discovery as their children grow. Over time and with continued practice, children can learn to nurture kindness and understanding towards themselves by befriending all of their internal parts and cultivating a sense of inner peace and resilience.
“...revisit each of these parts, inviting them to relax inside in open space just for a few minutes, and ask them to trust that it’s safe to let you more into your body.” - Dr. Richard Schwartz, founder of IFS
Interested in booking a session with Royal?
WRITTEN BY Royal Kelly, LMSW (She/Her/Hers)
As a therapeutic resource for your family, I am here to help you and your child feel seen, heard and supported through the ups and the downs. Whether you are coming to therapy for a child needing help regulating big emotions, a teen feeling anxious or depressed, or you – a caregiver – looking to build new skills to help navigate your relationship with your child, I offer a compassionate and welcoming space for exploration and growth.
