Navigating Triggers: Using Patty Wipfler’s book Listen to Support Parents and Children
Parenting can be one of the most fulfilling yet challenging roles we undertake. There are moments of joy and connection, but there are also moments of frustration and stress, especially when a child’s behavior triggers a strong emotional reaction in us as the parent. Patty Wipfler's book, Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges, offers valuable insights and practical tools to help parents navigate these challenging moments.
As a parent myself, I’ve experienced those moments when my child is screaming in the grocery store, everyone’s eyes are on us and I can feel my feelings of frustration start to erupt. (Yes, even play therapists get triggered by their own children!) After reading Wipfler’s book earlier this year, I learned a new level of listening that can be used when my children’s emotions are at full throttle which has helped me be with them in those moments with greater ease and loving connection. While I highly encourage reading her book, here are the key takeaways for parents.
Understanding Triggers and Emotional Reactions
Before diving into the tools, it’s important that we first understand what happens when a child's behavior triggers a parent. Triggers are intense emotional reactions often rooted in past experiences or stress. When triggered, a parent might react with anger, frustration, or even withdrawal, which can escalate the situation rather than resolve it.
Let’s be honest. We’ve all been triggered at one point and experienced that feeling of guilt or shame afterward when we regret getting mad at someone, especially our child. Wipfler emphasizes that recognizing these triggers early and addressing them mindfully is crucial for connected and loving parent-child interactions.
The Five Listening Tools
Wipfler’s book outlines five key tools that can help parents manage their reactions and support their children effectively. These tools are Listening Partnerships, Staylistening, Setting Limits, Special Time, and Playlistening.
1. Listening Partnerships
Listening Partnerships involve two parents taking turns to listen to each other without interruption or judgment. This tool provides a safe space for parents to express their feelings, process their triggers, and gain perspective.
You may be thinking that a Listening Partner is your actual partner or co-parent, but it could also be a friend or family member who is a parent. Personally, I prefer doing Listening Partnerships with close friends who are parents and who have similarly aged children. I find I relate to them the most and the partnership creates a beautiful moment for us both to connect more deeply as friends while venting about our children.
How to Use Listening Partnerships:
Find another parent or a trusted friend willing to engage in a Listening Partnership.
Take turns sharing your feelings and experiences for a set amount of time.
Listen attentively without offering advice or solutions. (Remember this is just listening. You’re not meant to fix or offer solutions to anything your Listening Partner shares with you.)
By regularly engaging in Listening Partnerships, parents can offload stress and gain emotional clarity, which helps them respond more calmly to their children’s behavior.
2. Staylistening
Staylistening is about being present with your child during their emotional outbursts without trying to fix or stop their feelings. This approach helps children feel heard and understood, which can de-escalate their emotional intensity.
How to Practice Staylistening:
Stay close to your child and maintain a calm demeanor.
Listen empathetically and acknowledge their feelings with phrases like, "I see you're really upset."
Avoid trying to distract or soothe them prematurely; let them express their emotions fully.
Staylistening allows children to release pent-up emotions and fosters a sense of security and trust.
3. Setting Limits
Setting Limits involves clearly and calmly stating boundaries while remaining empathetic. This tool helps children understand what behaviors are acceptable and what are not, without feeling rejected or unloved.
Steps for Setting Limits:
Clearly state the limit: “It’s not okay to hit. We use gentle hands.”
Acknowledge the child’s feelings: “I see you’re angry because your toy was taken away.”
Offer an alternative: “Let’s find another way to express your anger.”
Setting Limits teaches children self-discipline and respect for boundaries while maintaining a strong emotional connection.
4. Special Time
Special Time is a dedicated period where parents focus solely on their child, engaging in activities the child chooses. This tool strengthens the parent-child bond and reassures the child of their importance and love.
How to Implement Special Time:
Set aside a specific amount of time each day or week for one-on-one interaction.
Let your child choose the activity and lead the play.
Give your full attention, free from distractions.
Special Time can significantly improve a child’s behavior by fulfilling their need for attention and connection.
5. Playlistening
Playlistening involves using humor and play to address challenging behaviors and fears. This approach can help children feel more comfortable expressing their feelings and reduce tension in difficult situations.
Examples of Playlistening:
Turn power struggles into playful games, like a “tickle monster” chase when it’s time to get dressed.
Use silly voices or exaggerated actions to diffuse anger or frustration.
Engage in role-reversal games where the child gets to be the “boss” or “parent.”
Playlistening helps children process their emotions in a lighthearted and safe manner, fostering resilience and emotional regulation.
Applying the Tools When Triggered
When a child’s behavior triggers a parent, applying Wipfler’s tools can be transformative. Here’s a step-by-step approach:
1. Recognize Your Trigger
Notice when you’re feeling overwhelmed or triggered by your child’s behavior. Acknowledge these feelings without judgment.
2. Pause and Breathe
Take a moment to breathe deeply and calm yourself before responding. This helps prevent reactive behavior.
3. Engage in Staylistening
If your child is having an outburst, practice Staylistening. Be present with their emotions and offer empathy.
4. Set Clear Limits
If the behavior needs to be addressed, set limits calmly and empathetically. Use clear language and offer alternatives.
5. Follow Up with Special Time or Playlistening
After the immediate situation is handled, make time to engage in Special Time or Playlistening to reinforce your bond and provide emotional support.
6. Utilize Listening Partnerships
Regularly debrief with your Listening Partner to process your experiences and gain insights.
Patty Wipfler’s book Listen offers parents a compassionate and effective approach to building awareness of their own triggers while supporting their children’s emotional needs. By incorporating the five listening tools — Listening Partnerships, Staylistening, Setting Limits, Special Time, and Playlistening — parents can create a nurturing environment that fosters emotional resilience and a strong connection for them and their child.
Remember, it’s okay to seek support and take time to care for your own emotional well-being, which is exactly what Listening Partnerships are all about. By doing so, you model healthy emotional regulation for your children and create a foundation of trust and understanding.
Interested in booking a session with Royal?
As a therapeutic resource for your family, I am here to help you and your child feel seen, heard and supported through the ups and the downs. Whether you are coming to therapy for a child needing help regulating big emotions, a teen feeling anxious or depressed, or you – a caregiver – looking to build new skills to help navigate your relationship with your child, I offer a compassionate and welcoming space for exploration and growth.
Royal is Currently under the clinical supervision of Katie Malinski, LCSW-S
