From Playroom to Parenthood: Reflections for New Caregivers
Some days I can so clearly recall the newborn phase, while other days it feels distant. As my son’s second birthday approaches, I’ve been reflecting on both the absolute joys of those early weeks of his life and also the growth these past two years — not just in him, but in me.
Some days I can so clearly recall the newborn phase, while other days it feels distant. As my son’s second birthday approaches, I’ve been reflecting on both the absolute joys of those early weeks of his life and also the growth these past two years — not just in him, but in me.
Let me begin with a story. As I neared some of my final OBGYN appointments, I discovered I was going to have to deliver through a cesarean section as it would be what's best for my son and for me. While this certainly changed my own ideas and plans, that wasn’t necessarily what I was most upset about.
The doctor gave us a date.
Now all of a sudden we had a date on the calendar when our world was going to change. Beforehand it was abstract. He should be coming in a few weeks, maybe earlier, maybe later. However, now I knew a date and something about the certainty overtook me with fear. I can vividly remember crying to my sister on the phone saying, “I’m not ready!”
As strange as it sounds, I wanted to keep him inside of me. I felt confident in how I could tend to him and care for him. There weren't outside influences, germs, or unknowns I wasn’t prepared for. I could keep him safe inside.
In those first weeks, I felt a love like no other, but also an immense doubt about my ability to handle the most important job I’d ever had. Despite my background in child development and play therapy, everything felt new, daunting, and incredibly important. On top of that, societal messages like “breast is best,” “put baby to sleep drowsy, not asleep,” “don’t create bad habits,” added to my anxiety. I wanted to give him everything.
Compounding this, my son had difficulty gaining weight, leading to frequent pediatrician visits his first few weeks of life. I even bought a scale so I could weigh him myself at home, which only increased the anxiety I already had at home to be everything he needed. The pediatricians became my biggest support system in those early weeks.
So why am I sharing this? What’s the point of me conveying this? Am I starting to have a vulnerability hangover from being so personable? Maybe a bit. And yet I hope you read this and feel less alone.
Whether you’re a new parent or caregiver and you’re navigating these new chapters or maybe your child is older, and while you may not be ‘new’ anymore all these milestones and chapters are ‘new’ to you. Parenthood is full of continual pivoting and learning at each chapter. When I find myself frustrated with my son, I try hard to remember not only is this new to him, but it's all new to me too. And while maybe this isn’t your first rodeo, you’re navigating the newness of each child.
Whatever it may be and wherever you may find yourself in this journey here’s what I hope you can take with you and remember as you move forward into whatever your next parenting chapter might be:
You are exactly who your child needs.
There is truly so much power in showing up
Take a glance at Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne’s book The Power of Showing Up if you want to understand some of the neuroscience that proves this.
Be gentle with yourself.
Find time for self care.
For me, it was as simple as taking a shower or letting someone else hold my son. Ben does a great job explaining true self-care.
Build a support system. Lean hard into family, friends, therapy, facebook groups, etc. Wherever it is you feel seen and supported.
Enjoy the moment.
Try to not always be focused on what’s next but practice being mindful and enjoying what is now.
Remember where your child is developmentally is not a sign of how good/bad of a parent you are.
Know that you can paint a new path.
You can work towards healing that will impact the generations to come. Perhaps you’ve experienced intergenerational trauma that’s impacted the generations before you or you have strained relationships with your own caregivers. If you’re ready to do the work check out Break the Cycle by Dr. Mariel Buqué
So as I continue my work supporting caregivers, I’ve gained a deeper appreciation for the challenges. Parenting is hard, and the drive to be our best for our children is immense.
Here are some parenting affirmations I’d like to share and hope they’ll provide some peace in those hard days:
Your child is not giving you a hard time, they’re having a hard time.
I can do hard things.
This won’t last forever.
You can’t teach someone who’s drowning to swim.
I am doing the best with the tools I have at the time.
All behavior is communicating a need.
We are in this together. This is new for both of us.
And although we may be experts on mental health, we know you’re the expert on your child. The play therapy, and therapy process in general, should be a collaborative one.
While we may teach and encourage support we know will be helpful, remember that we are human too and know these tasks aren't easy! As the perfectly imperfect humans that we are, we all bring our own past experiences and worldviews into our present relationships. However, how we navigate our relationships and how we show up is what matters most.
So I encourage you to think about what you need(ed) to hear as a new parent/caregiver. What’s that reminder you need today? Write it down, put it on your mirror, stick it in your car, say it over and over until it becomes second nature because you deserve to hear it.
Remember, you got this and we are here for you.
Interested in booking a session with Dakota?
WRITTEN BY Dakota Becker, LPC, RPT™, NCC, IPT-CST
Dakota is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™), National Certified Counselor (NCC) and Institute of Play Therapy Certified Sandtray Therapist (IPT-CST). She received her Master’s Degree in Counseling from the University of North Texas through their nationally known play therapy program as well as has her Bachelor’s Degree in Child Development.
