Using Play to Strengthen the Child-Caregiver Relationship
Playing with your child provides an opportunity to connect emotionally and co-regulate your nervous systems.
However, many adults don’t know how to play. Some of us didn’t learn when we were little because our caregivers didn’t play with us, or sometimes we grow up and forget what it’s like to be a child. We know how daunting of a task playing with your child can be when you have no experience and no idea where to start, so today we’ll go over some starting points.
Have Special Playtime
Carve out a special 5, 10, or 15 minutes a day to play with your child, preferably at the same time each day to add predictability to your child’s routine and to help them manage their expectations. During this time, give your child your complete attention. Turn your phone on silent and let your other child(ren) know they’ll have their special playtime at another time (note: give them a specific time, whether that be at 5pm today or 10am tomorrow).
Also, know that if you can’t carve out 10 minutes of your undivided attention to each child every day – THAT’S OKAY! If it feels like time is scarce, try the sudden burst of attention strategy. For this strategy, you’ll want to drop what you’re doing for 1-2 minutes and give your child your undivided attention when they’re asking for it. You may have to ask the person on the other end of the phone to give you a minute, but this strategy honors the child by demonstrating to them that you understand what they need at that moment.
If you’re able to, make a schedule for special playtime and let them know what the schedule is. You can also allow them to play alongside you at other times too. For example, give them age-appropriate cookware or cleaning tools when you’re working on these things at home. (The rest of these tips will focus on how to play with your child during this special playtime.)
Let Them Take the Lead
Allow your child to have control during the special playtime. During the rest of the day, whether they’re at home, school, or daycare, they’re usually told what to do and when to do it. Having a sense of control helps children grow, mature, and develop; they learn to utilize their own inner resources which facilitates the development of security to use in the future.
But how do you actually let them take the lead?
Start with letting the playtime be unstructured. Don’t guide them toward dress-up or building blocks. Allow them to pick what you play, whether that be one thing for the whole 15 minutes or 15 different things. If you have a room or place in your home where you keep their toys, walk with them to this space, and at the beginning of the set amount of time, tell them it’s special playtime and they can choose what they want to play with.
You can also imitate their behaviors. If they are acting like a spy, imitate their behavior to act like one too! If they’re pretending to bake a cake, stir the air in the bowl with them.
You can also use a “stage whisper” to help them take the lead. To use this technique, you want to imagine the play is a theater production and you’ve forgotten your next line. In a hushed voice, ask them what to do next.
Limit asking them questions. This guides the play to meet your needs rather than allowing them to lead the direction of the play.
Limit directions/criticisms except for when there are safety concerns. Allow them to figure out how to build the highest tower. Let them color a rainbow with the wrong colors. We want to try to intervene only when there is a safety concern.
What to Say When You Play
Besides asking them what to do, or imitating them, what else do you say?
State what they’re doing. It sounds simple, but it helps your child understand that you are in tune with them. When they’re pretending to be a spy, you can say, “We’re hiding from the villain.” When they’re stirring the air in the bowl, say, “You’re stirring the cake mix now.”
State how they’re feeling. This can be trickier, but if you guess the wrong feeling, they will correct you and it’s still an opportunity for connection. Learn more about this technique in Colleen’s blog on feeling reflections.
Use another theater technique: “Yes and…” In this technique, the “yes” refers to agreeing with what they’ve already said. The “and” refers to adding more to the situation. To do this, you can think logically about how the activity would play out in the real world. When they begin to pretend to bake, the “yes” might be saying “Oh it’s going to be so yummy!” The “and” might be asking them if they need some eggs from the fridge (pretend ones of course).
Use Open-Ended Toys
In Leah’s blog on open-ended toys, she says: “An open-ended toy is one that can be played with in a variety of ways without rules or limitations. For instance, a box can be a spaceship, a house, a car, or anything that a child can imagine. Some examples of open-ended toys include pretend food, costumes, dollhouses, and building blocks. While using open-ended toys, there is time to explore the toys and decide what it is without an agenda, which promotes imagination and creativity.” These types of toys help the child take the lead!
We know playing and engaging with your child in their world can feel like being in uncharted territory, but remember that the important piece is connecting with them and being there with them.
“Our kids don’t need us to be perfect. They just need us to show up with patience, kindness, and an intention to understand life from their perspective.”
— Debbie Zeichner
If you’re seeking more guidance in strengthening your relationship with your child through play, you can learn more about Child-Caregiver Relationship Training through the link here. In this group, you’ll learn play skills that will help to improve your child’s behavior problems, stress, communication, and confidence in your caregiving skills. You’ll also learn strategies to help you understand your child’s emotional needs, develop your child’s self-control and self-esteem, effectively discipline, and limit inappropriate behavior, communicate more effectively, and feel more in control.
Interested in booking a session with us?
WRITTEN BY RACHEL ESPARZA, LPC ASSOCIATE (SHE/HER/HERS)
Rachel Esparza is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate supervised by Jaclyn N. Sepp, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S™, NCC, RYT® 200. Rachel is also working towards her Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™) credential. At Texas State University, Rachel earned her Master’s degree in Professional Counseling (CACREP Accredited Program) and her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. She has experience working with children, adolescents, young adults, and families in community counseling settings.
