Supporting Your Child Through Divorce
Divorce can be one of the most stressful times in a person’s life, and adding in the stress of learning how to successfully co-parent can make the situation even more overwhelming.
However, understanding ways you can support your child, and knowing when your child might need professional help, can take away some of those worries.
How to Support Your Child
One way to support your child during a divorce or while co-parenting is to provide familiarity. Helping keep a sense of familiarity in your child’s life during this period of adjustment can have a positive impact on their mental health. This might mean keeping your child enrolled at the same school, keeping them involved in the same after school activities, continuing to hire the same babysitter, or continuing to play with the same friends. Providing stability can also promote well-being. This means that for the aspects of their lives that will change, to provide them with a new normal. This can be done by making sure your child knows their new schedule and ensuring they are able to establish roots in both homes.
Another way to help support your child is to explain the divorce to your child and help them understand what to expect. In our bibliotherapy guide, we have a section for books on separation and divorce. These books are a great way to introduce the topic or to clarify some of the questions your child might have. It’s a good idea to also be prepared to answer questions about future living arrangements. When talking to your child about the divorce, one of the most important things you can do is to assure them they are not to blame. From ages two to seven, “magical thinking” is prominent. Due to magical thinking, children believe their actions have a great effect on the world around them. For example, they might believe the divorce is happening because they got a bad report card or broke something in the house. You also want to emphasize the permanence of the divorce when talking to children about it.
Caregivers’ psychological health is also an important factor in positive adjustment.
“As parents become more aware and emotionally healthy, their children reap the rewards and move toward health as well. That means that integrating and cultivating your own brain is one of the most loving and generous gifts you can give your children.”
– Dr. Daniel Siegel
As parents and caregivers are some of the most influential people in a child’s life, your mental health can positively influence their emotional development. It can serve as a model for the future, promoting lifelong mental health for your child. In addition, being able to provide consistent guidance and warmth promotes well-being for your child.
Caregivers can also support positive adjustment to a new family structure. No matter what boundaries you set, make sure they are held. Not sticking to your boundaries models inconsistency. In addition, make sure that step-parents do not move into their role abruptly. Making the transition slower has a few benefits. First, it gives children time to adjust to new relationships. This is especially important if your child is not only meeting a step-parent, but step-siblings as well. Second, it helps to ease the transition to new expectations and rules. This is often helpful when you create a blended family with children from both sides.
During this time, building your child’s self-esteem can be beneficial. One way to do this in your day-to-day life is through active listening. Active listening means paying attention when your child speaks without interrupting, judging, or assuming you know what your child is going to say. When they are done speaking, it is important to ask clarifying questions and reflect back what they said so they know you were listening. If possible, it can be beneficial to name any feelings they expressed and to empathize with them. For more information on helping your child feel heard, check out this blog on reflecting feelings.
When is a Professional Needed?
Children show us they need help in different ways. These ways may vary depending on their age, specific situation, and the individual child, but below are some possible ways to identify your child might need extra support.
Lower scores in academic achievement. A significant change at home can have an impact on their school work. Supporting your child through the change happening at home can help your child continue to do their best at school.
More pronounced “challenging” behaviors. Oftentimes when children engage in behaviors that we deem as challenging, they are acting this way because they don’t know how else to handle the situation. That’s why one of our goals in therapy is often to help your child learn skills to handle the demands that are being placed upon them. You can also help your child work on this at home by ensuring that expectations are not something your child doesn't have the skills to achieve. When we’re wanting to teach them new skills, we can make sure that we’re taking it step by step so as to not overwhelm them.
Lower self-esteem. Active listening is a great way to build your child’s self-esteem which was discussed previously. A professional can also help your child work on self-esteem.
Higher levels of depression and anxiety. For many, emotional concerns are the reason they begin thinking about therapy in the first place, and it’s definitely something our team can help your child with.
When considering professional help, check out our blog on which professional can best help with your child’s needs.
At the end of the day, remember that just being there for your child can be one of the most important things you can do.
“The parent-child connection is the most powerful mental health intervention known to mankind.”
– Bessel van der Kolk
Most of the time, children have adjusted to divorce after about two years, and with the right support, your child can thrive. In fact, children with divorced parents/caregivers often show a greater sense of independence and are therefore more self-reliant than others.
References:
Divorce and Co-Parenting: A Support Guide for the Modern Family by Elissa P. Benedek, M.D. and Samantha A. Huettner, J.D.
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WRITTEN BY RACHEL ESPARZA, LPC ASSOCIATE (SHE/HER/HERS)
Rachel Esparza is a Licensed Professional Counselor Associate supervised by Jaclyn N. Sepp, MA, LPC-S, RPT-S™, NCC, RYT® 200. Rachel is also working towards her Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™) credential. At Texas State University, Rachel earned her Master’s degree in Professional Counseling (CACREP Accredited Program) and her Bachelor’s degree in Psychology. She has experience working with children, adolescents, young adults, and families in community counseling settings.
