Bids for Connection
We all need connection. In fact, Maslow states that love and belonging is a need that must be met in the hierarchy of needs for an individual to reach self-actualization.
Throughout the day we are presented with opportunities to connect with friends and loved ones, but we often miss the signs.
Why is that? Well, we are extremely busy! We’ve got to get the kids to school, we have work to finish, we have chores that need to be done, the list goes on and on.
But with surprisingly little effort, we can create small moments that make us feel more connected to our loved ones.
John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman call these moments “bids for connection.” Bids can vary from small things such as commenting on the weather to larger things like asking for a favor. Bids can be nonverbal as well. Nonverbal bids can include reaching for someone’s hand, smiling at them, or holding the door open.
There are three ways a partner can respond to a bid:
Turning towards
Turning away
Turning against
Turning towards involves giving an affirmation or positive response.
You are actively acknowledging their attempt at a connection.
Turning away consists of no response at all.
This can happen either from ignoring the bid or just not being aware a bid was made.
Turning against happens when you respond with anger or aggression.
When you turn against a bid for connection, you will shut down any attempt at connection.
Let’s look at a few examples.
Bid for Connection: Your partner states, “Umm, looks like it might rain.”
Turning towards: You could say, “Oh yes, it is getting cloudy out there.” You might even go stand next to your partner by the window as you say this.
Turning away: You continue to scroll on your phone and do not acknowledge that your partner has even said anything.
Turning against: You might respond with, “Can’t you see I am reading something!?”
As you reread these, think about how it feels in your body as you look over these responses. The latter two can really hurt and cause us to feel like our loved one does not care about us.
According to the Gottmans (2022), successful couples turn towards their partner’s bids 86% of the time versus couples that were not successful (aka divorced or split-up) only turned towards their partner’s bids 33% of the time. The Gottmans found that how we respond to bids is the biggest predictor of happiness in our relationships.
Bids for connections can be seen in all of our relationships. Our kids even make bids for connections with us. Let’s take a look.
Bid for Connection: Your second grader runs into the room excitedly waving a piece of art that he just created while saying, “Mom, look at my drawing.”
Turning towards: You respond with, “Wow, bud! You are really proud of your picture!”
Turning away: You continue cooking and do not look up.
Turning against: Your response is “Can’t you see I am busy! I am trying to cook dinner!”
As you read these, please do not beat yourself up if you have turned against a bid. At times, we can all feel overwhelmed and have a hard time focusing on anything other than the task at hand.
“Connection is not magic. Like any other skill, it can be learned, practiced, and mastered.”
- John Gottman
If you are extremely busy, you could still turn towards the bid and get some extra time by responding with, “You really want to show me your picture and I really want to give you my undivided attention. Could you please give me five more minutes to finish dinner and then I will give you my attention?” At this point, you have acknowledged the bid and when you circle back after you finish dinner, your child will know that you care and are interested in connecting.
Bid for Connection: Your teenager enters the room and sighs loudly.
Turning towards: You say, “Hey, you sound like something is going on. Want to talk?”
Turning away: You continue reading your book.
Turning against: You state, “Argh, what is wrong now?!”
When we turn towards these bids for connections we have the power to make someone feel heard, valued, and seen. These little things can have such a profound impact on our relationships.
If you would like to learn more about bids for connections or to read more from the Gottmans, you can check out their new book - The Love Prescription: 7 Days to More Intimacy, Connection, and Joy or listen to their interview on Brené Brown’s Podcast, Unlocking Us.
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WRITTEN BY LEAH GILBERT, MED, LPC-S, NCC, CLINICAL DIRECTOR (SHE/HER/HERS)
Leah Gilbert is a Licensed Professional Counselor Supervisor (LPC-S) and National Certified Counselor (NCC). She received her Master’s Degree in Counseling from the University of North Texas (CACREP Accredited Program) and a Bachelor’s Degree from the University of Texas at Arlington in Interdisciplinary Studies. Leah is currently working towards her Registered Play Therapist™ (RPT™) credential.
