Finding a Good Therapist
A relationship with a therapist is unlike any relationship that you have with anyone else in your life.
Therapy is a place in which you, at regular intervals, go to be with an individual sworn to confidentiality in order to examine your struggles, your life, yourself in a way that is productive and actionable. You go to therapy to dig into the deepest, scariest parts of your mind! You confront trauma, fears, doubts, and thoughts that are holding you back; you dive into them, look around, think about them in a few dimensions, then you decide what you’re going to do about them.
So, who do you want to be there with you?
What you are about to read is my attempt at a framework you can use to discern who is a good therapeutic fit for your child, or even yourself. After a little research and a lot of thought, it really came down to only a few things, and I’ll get to those in a minute.
While writing this post, I considered the perspective I have as someone who has been both the client and the therapist. I thought about what I want in my therapist, and what I try to provide for my clients.
Personally, I look to my therapist for emotional support and validation along with accountability without harsh judgment. For the issues that I struggle with such as ADHD symptoms as well as people-pleasing to a fault, these are the things I know I need. But to say this is all anyone needs in a therapist is ridiculous. There are so many issues people grapple with and so many reasons why someone would seek a therapist.
Frankly, the only reason I know what I need is because I went to therapy and made progress when therapists provided that specific support to me.
When contemplating who may be a good therapeutic fit for you or your child, think about what you believe you or your child need in the context of therapy.
Now consider that you may be wrong.
I’ve talked to caregivers that have a somewhat rigid idea in their head about what their child’s therapist should be like, or what therapeutic modality they should use, only to find their expectations shattered as their child makes tremendous progress with someone they didn’t think would fit at all. This isn’t at all to posit that caregivers don’t know their children, or that you shouldn’t consider a therapist’s specialties or training when making this decision, but I do want to stress the importance of keeping an open mind as you navigate through the process of choosing your or your child’s therapist. After all, we don’t know what we don’t know, and therapy is a process of discovery.
Now that you may feel like you have even less of an idea of how to choose a therapist, let me get to the conclusion I came to.
What it all comes down to is the answer to this question: Can my child have a functioning, meaningful relationship with this person? Can my child open up to them? Can they build a rapport and a productive pattern of interaction?
Because if the answer is yes, the likelihood that progress can be made is extremely high.
This is why I stress the importance of having an open mind throughout this process. If you are too rigid when you think about what therapist you or your child needs, you risk missing out on a fantastic opportunity for growth. There are plenty of tips I could give you; look at credentials, consider years of experience, consider the demographics and populations the therapist works with, and ask someone you trust to see if they have a recommendation. These are all things you can try, but the therapist landscape is such that it may be hard to find that therapist that you consider perfect that is also taking new patients, has an office near you, and has availability right when you want it. Take comfort though, because that therapist (even if they do exist) may not be the perfect therapist at all.
All of this said you won’t know which therapist is right for you until you meet with them, and give them an honest try. This may be a disappointing (even scary) thing to read at the end of this post, but I have a bulleted list for you when it comes to setting your intentions when you or your child are starting therapy.
Extend some trust to the therapist
It could be, “I’m trusting them enough to show up to my appointment and not run out of the room screaming,” or it could be, “I’m going to be completely open and honest about all of my feelings and thoughts straight out of the gate,” but either way, if you or your child start out by being distrustful and closed off toward your therapist, I guarantee progress will be slow at best.
Ask for what you think you need
If you have a note for your therapist, or you have some ideas of what you or your child responds to, let your therapist know! Being able to broach those types of subjects with your therapist is part of having a strong working relationship with them and will help them determine what type of modality to use in their sessions with you or your child.
Ask what you can do
Nothing makes therapeutic progress easier than a willing client. Of course, the degree of motivation to take action on therapeutic insights varies wildly between clients, but any amount of willingness to support the work being done in the therapy room is very powerful in terms of what it can do for your therapeutic progress. Even if you try what your therapist asks you to try, and it doesn’t work, that’s still plenty of material for both of you to workshop next time you meet.
Communication is key
A pretty played-out bullet point to be sure, but it is true: the main vehicle of therapeutic progress is going to be your or your child’s relationship with your therapist; the more honest, respectful, and transparent your interactions are, the more trust, understanding, and rapport there will be between you.
As I said, this is only a framework. I’ll throw in the usual disclaimer; every family and situation is different. Every issue that brings a client to therapy is different than any other, in a myriad of ways. That’s why I can’t recommend one type of therapist to you, or give you a set of credentials any good therapist should have. What I hope I have given you is a way to frame your relationship with your or your child’s therapist to get the best chance of success. Take the plunge with both feet, you’ve got this!
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WRITTEN BY BEN KINSEY, LCSW (HE/HIM/HIS)
Ben has worked with children and families in many different contexts: Summer camps, schools, foster care and children's shelters, hospitals, medical clinics, and private therapy. He’s worked with teens, toddlers, and everyone in between. He can tell you one thing for certain: there is no handbook for the challenges and hardship you and your child are facing, both in and outside your relationship with one another. The goal in his room is to give your child the tools to cope with and navigate through any troubles they may be wrestling with, and with the family's support, empower them to use those same tools in the future.
